I think you have to go back and read the posts from the 2 women who posted in this thread (and interestingly had chosen to post very little before). One of them said that the jokes didn't bother her but the banter about "the missus" did. My experience is that women find the jokes pretty dull and contribute to a locker room atmosphere that makes them feel excluded. I guess if people are happy for them to feel diminished and excluded, they should use whatever language you want.
I found one. I didn't find the other. When people talk about grief with the missus or being pleased not to have one, I've never seen that as offensive. Half of the mothers on my dr's softball team are divorced, and they do talk freely about how happy they are to be away from their husbands. I don't assume that's offensive - I assume they're happy to be away from their husbands. It's none of my business to see if I can get enough information from them to justify their statement.
At some point, people have to make a decision about things like that to think about whether the person saying them actually intended to offend them. When someone makes race-based comments, they are being offensive and they know it. When they say they're happy to not have a missus, it's probably because they had a bad experience and it's a generalized comment.
True story - we are old school here. Usually have a "part of the neighborhood" party each summer where my short street gets together and talks to people they may not even like that much - we still do, so that we don't forget about each other. It turns out, it helps us know each other better and we like each other better. One of the neighbors down the street cared for her elderly aunt (99 at the time, now deceased, but she did get to 100). I constantly heard, "when did your husband pass", and she'd say "WHAT!?" (she was hard of hearing, too, but I think that was part of her joke that follows). I thought it was kind of rude to assume she had a husband because what if she didn't...
..and she didn't. Which was always followed with "oh, that's terrible...why didn't you ever get married? you're such a nice person." Every single time, she would say "why wasn't I ever married? Just lucky I guess!!" and crack a big smile. It was never younger people asking her if she was married, because we don't care. That's her business and not mine, but folks from the generation between mine and hers thought that everyone had to follow the rules and do the same thing, and she didn't. I wouldn't say it was offensive to tell her what a shame it was, just that it was rude.
Same as the follow ups "oh, so you never had kids? Such a shame, I couldn't imagine going through life without my kids".
Well, why don't you just tell the person that you think they were a failure. Maybe she didn't like men, and maybe if that's the case, we shouldn't ask. Why not ask her what she did for a living instead? Jeez.
Life is a bit easier in terms of being offended or upset about someone else's comments if you consider all of the reasons that they could make them and then assume they have good intentions.
