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How can you tell if a politician is lying? His/her lips are moving.

They have! I have witnessed it in court more times than I can recall. Instant arming is one thing. Carrying a weapon in case of some potential future event is a completely different legal thing.

Remember: A puppy isn't just for Christmas Day. There should be enough left over for Boxing Day too.

Have a chat with your local police station. If the card is stolen the number will be on record. The whole thing smells rotten.

Wow. Good job your circuit breakers did their thing...

Little Jimmy, aged 3, looked at his heavily pregnant mum one day and said, "mum, what's that?" pointing to the bump. "That's a baby", replied mum. "Where did you get it?" he asked innocently. "Er, dad gave it to me". Jimmy was quite happy with this explanation and went off to play. Later that...

Lol. Reminds me of these I saw a little while ago.... Obviously the worker didn't use the 6 p's - planning and preparation prevents p*** poor performance. Compact, or what.....?

@Ithica above English is just French pronounced badly. - Georges Clemenceau

While on the above subject -- Two old ladies were sitting in deck chairs on the beach when a streaker ran past. One had a stroke ... .....the other couldn't reach.

> ET goes into a pub and walks up to the bar. ET: Half a lager and a packet of crisps please. Barman: Sorry sir we don't serve aliens here. ET: Huh ( walks out in disgust ). > Further down the road is another pub, so he decides to give it a try. He goes up to the bar. ET: (politely)...

Roses are red, violets are blue. So goes the age-old rhyme. But I know Rose's are blue and Violet's are red - I've seen them hanging on the line.

Mary had a metal cow. She milked it with a spanner. The milk came out in shilling tins and little ones for a tanner.

A man was thrown into a Soviet era prison cell, only to find there was another man already in there. The two men eyeballed each other warily in silence, as it was known that the authorities sometimes planted stooges to trick prisoners. After a couple of days, the new guy plucked up courage to...

What goes "ding dong.......ding dong", in a mournful wailing tone of voice? A dying Avon Lady.

Good job they weren't Firestone.

Thought for the day for squaddies: Friendly fire....isn't.

What is brown and sticky? A stick!

Scene: a courtroom in a country market town in 1890's England. Old Will, a poacher, stands in the dock. A pompous magistrate presides. Magistrate: I have no doubt that you, Will, are a fecund liar. However, on this occasion I will have to let you go for lack of evidence. Will: Arrrrrh...

Advert for a hair salon seen on a noticeboard at work, contained the sentence: "If we can't make you look good, you ugly!"

One day a bobby was patrolling on his town centre beat when a young man walked past him, reeking of cannabis. The officer detained him for a search, and sure enough found a significant quantity of weed. Young Man: But officer, it's not mine! It's this jacket. Every time I flush this weed down...