Need to escape/reset

[Stigmorgan]

Anyone else ever feel the need to pack a bag and run?
I've not been happy at work or at home for a while now and the more scenic reels I see on Insta the more I want to just pack a bag go. Problem is that I might not come back.
I live with a hoarder that refuses to throw stuff out because of trauma in her teens, we have 3 bedrooms and they're all full to overflowing, the hallway is stacked so I have to walk sideways to get to the toilet, I sleep on the sofa because the living room, although also full of carp, is the clearest room we have. The kitchen is a constant game of tetris having to move stuff to get to the cooker, then again to get to the sink the fridge or the washing machine. The garage is so full I barely fit my workshop and motorcycle in there.
For those that don't know, I live on site at a primary school, which is part of a 10 school academy, where I work as Site Manager, we had a new CEO start in September and whilst we haven't had any interactions his behaviour towards H&S and putting people at risk completely disgusts me, we have a small office building on site that is falling apart, last april we had rainfall coming through the light fittings, I had a structural engineer and an electrician recomend we dont use the building and knock it down, the CEO at the time and the new CEO both continued using it, even holding interviews and meetings in there and not telling people how bad the building is. Living on site means I can never really shut off from work, the house is right at the front of school, everyone passes my door to get into school which means i often get deliveries for school knocking on my front door upsetting the dogs. Recently the academy have started trying to make changes to the way I work that I don't like but can't fight as my job description is very open and as a result I've felt like leaving but financially we can't afford to, I would only have a month to find a job a home and move out. Then to top it off I find the mold in the garage/workshop that not only made me sick as a dog for 2+ weeks, could wipe out 90% of my wood stock and all of the stock I've made for Easter sales at the shop.
That's all the immediate stuff, there's so much more that makes me want to be escape, generally I hate what the world/society has become, I dream of being able to live alone, miles from civilisation where I answer to and for nobody but myself, that's not likely to happen, closest I'll get to that would be a job as an island custodian and they're few and far between.
As I sit a type all of this I wonder if my problems are real or just me getting inside my own head and making it worse myself, am I just overreacting? Do I just need a break from everything? That would be nice but taking time off work means twice as much work when I get back so how do I switch off when I know that will be waiting for me, that's why I never take time off, something HR and I constantly battle over, last year I only took 2 of my 30 days holiday, this year I've used 1 day so have 29 plus 5 carried over from last year still to use before September, maybe I'm burnt out but I don't feel how I imagine that would feel, I just feel sad/miserable/angry with a longing to be out in nature/forests/mountains on my own completely off-grid and maybe that's what I need, pack a few clothes, get on my bike and head off into the great outdoors, let the soldier I used to be take over and reset my mindset, I've got plenty of places in Wales pinned to my must see list, I could probably get round quite a few of them in a week. Just need a few £K to put it back on the road and replace the mouse bitten clothing and helmet.
It's nice to dream but then how would swmbo cope on her own? She would constantly worry and panic the whole time. Someone would have to help with the dogs when she's at work? how would I fund this escape? Putting the bike back on the road and the clothing will be around £3000 Fuel would cost a fortune, then the cost of fuelling myself, somewhere to sleep won't be cheap either unless I were to rough it with a tarp and sleeping bag, wouldn't be the first time I've done that so it's not a problem, especially if I do let the soldier out, but then he's been locked away for 20 years and for good reason.

If you've got this far I'm sorry guys, I'm ranting, I don't have friends to meet up with and talk to, which I'm fine with so no need to pity me for it, I just don't have a personality that allows for long term friendships, especially if I don't have regular contact in person, unfortunately I get bored quickly and stop making the effort to contact, especially if I start thinking that effort isn't reciprocated.
Thanks for getting this far, I'm still clueless but it always helps to share, also, I don't expect replies to this so don't feel you have to, just wondered if anyone else ever feels the same.

 

[akirk]

don’t apologise, it is absolutely fine to share when things are tough as well as when they go well…

I think it is difficult for anyone else to fully emphasise but a couple of brief thoughts…
- mental health is important, it is better to get that sorted then let it pull you down…
- time off is important, take it even if you feel there will be more work on your return…
- if the academy has you where they want there is no incentive for them to help you, you need to make sure you protect yourself…
- keep focusing on what we have seen, that you have had a fantastic journey in your turning which we have watched- and be proud of what you have done…

 

[Jameshow]

Sorry to hear it,

Sounds like your going through a tough time.

I would suggest you firstly need a break. Take some time if for you and your misses to get away for a few days that relax talk and think things through.

Then I think you need to get some support to deal with the issues your facing. Counselling for you both re the hoarding and your feelings to escape.

Finally I think you can start to address your environment. The school working conditions, the house conditions and the hoarding etc.

But about all communicate with your misses, with your school leadership, quite possibly if they know what your feeling they will want to help.

Putting your head in the sand, Running away, isn't going to make things better just worse imho.

I feel for you and know what your going through.

 

[heimlaga]

Having a hoarder in my own extended family I suggest you bring p the issue with her in a friendly and non-agressive though brutally honest way. Remember that I come from a region renowned for brutal honesty within a country world famous for brutal honesty and yet theese are tough things to talk about. Though it must be done or someone's brain will boil over and explode one day.
Your right to have a functioning daily life is just as important as her right to have decent mental health. Shaping your lives around her hoarding habits just removes you both further and further from what you are entitled to. A tolerable life.
A non functioning home drains you both of energy. Which makes you both feel misserable and which she probably tries to cure by hoarding even more junk. Which makes your home even less functional. In an eternal downward spiral. Someone must stop it. If she is unwilling to deal with her problems it is her choice and you should not be forced to take the consequences.

You need a permanent change of course. Not just a break. Even the tiniest start on an improvement is better than continued misery.

 

[Blackswanwood]

I’d echo the point already made - don’t apologise. Most of us blokes don’t have the bottle to open up about how we feel.

Is there anyone you can talk to?

Your doctor may be a good start or even (and I’m not suggesting you are suicidal) the Samaritans. They’ll listen and point you to where you can get help. Your employer also owes you a duty of care - can you talk to someone in HR and perhaps consider that they may be right on the holidays point?

I’m really sorry that things feel as they do for you at the moment - keep the faith that there will be a way through it.

 

[Blister]

" Anyone else ever feel the need to pack a bag and run? "

That won't work unless it's permanent ?

You need to address the problems head on , Be honest with the wife who sounds like a fair part of the problem . Does the school management ever inspect the house ?

I would be like yourself and feel the same but going away will mean the problems remain when you return.

Hope you can sort this out soon .

 

[Cabinetman]

I have had problems over the years, admittedly not quite as bad or as seemingly intractable. Twice I have ended 20 year relationships having to start my life on my own again, the first time with nothing and start again from scratch.
So I understand completely your desire to "run away". I also know how that feeling can miraculously start to lift after even a little bit of help and proper conversations, the relief as it starts to lift is incredible.
I hope you’re swimbo is rational enough to be able to talk about her problem and get the help that you both need.
Good advice up to now, certainly the first priority is see your GP, it’s best not to try to do this all by yourself.
I feel really touched, emotional, and proud for you that you have reached out, we haven’t met you but we’re all sort of mates on here. Chin up mate you’re on the road and you’ve just taken a huge first step.
Well done and the best of luck. Ian

 

[Daniel2]

I can't really add anything to the above, but do echo it.
As said, we're all friends, as such, on here and do care.
Feel assured that you can come here and talk. As already
shown, there are always people here who will listen, and
can offer helpful advice.
Although your present situation does sound as if it needs
immediate attention, take some solace from knowing that
you are not unusual. Very few people actually sail through
life without any real issues to contend with.
You have already taken two very important steps :
Acknowledging that there is a problem.
Reaching out and opening up about it.
Those two steps already demonstrate courage and maturity.
You've got this. Now, it's a process to be gotten through,
which you can do. Keep on sharing your thoughts with us
here, and start the journey following the practical advice given.

 

[heimlaga]

One more thing.
Running into the woods to hide is the instinctive way of many a heathy man dealing with severe stress. The closer to the woods that is mans natural habitat you go the more widespread and well known the instinct is. In rural parts of densely wooded Finland it is the normal way of dealing with trouble.

However it is worth knowing that this instinct has it's roots in a hunter-gatherer society where severe stress often came from a shortage of game or an attac by a hostile tribe. In todays world it is worth looking around to identify the real cause of stress when you feel the urge to run for the woods.

Take care!.....and i mean it!

 

[XTiffy]

I had to clear a my brother's house and garden on his death ten years ago as his executor. At the hospital where he passed away, while I was enroute, they gave me his personal effects and house keys. When I reached his house I was overwhelmed by what I faced. The house was exactly as you describe your own situation. My brother was a very intelligent individual and would not have visiters " I am building a workshop and you can visit when it is finished". He too slept on a mattress in a bedroom doorway. It is clear that you both need help and a break. It is clear you need someone to talk with and unburden yourself.
Please seek help.

 

[Jester129]

Stig, you have done exactly the right thing and reached out. Now you need to reach that bit further and talk directly with someone. That person has to be your GP, even if it means telling the person on the phone what your problem is, they are trained to react in the right way and get that all-important doctors' appointment. Medication will help, but it will take a couple of weeks to kick in.
You then need to tell your partner why you are going to see the doctor, telling her she is PART of the reason to see a doctor. You are going to have to face this head on with her, but calmly and rationally. You WILL get through this, but you've got a bunch of mates on here to help with advice and an ear, There might even be someone on here near enough to offer an ear face to face (guys?) to listen. Unfortunately I'm too far away to be that person, but by all means PM me if you wish. We've all been through rough times at some point in our lives, believe me.
You're already 'on the road' to feeling different/better, well done for opening up, please get that appointment. HTH Jeff

 

[Padster]

Stig,
Seems like you are in a tough place, and reaching out if only to us here is the first step… I have a relation, also ex forces (you mention the soldier in you) who was very high up in the corporate world, family kids etc, but he was struggling….ended in a downward spiral that was almost fatal…..
He is now back from the precipice but not with much hardship…..
There is a lot more to this story but the point for me recounting it briefly is that he has eventually found a way back, but it went too far, I’d hate for you to get as desperate as him, he is now working again, funnily for the charity that helped him turn his life round as a councillor…..
If you don’t want to use the gp or that doesn’t work for you then as ex forces if my guess is correct please reach out to them….
Recognising the issue is the first step… getting the correct help is the next….

I wish you all the best….

Padster

 

[pidgeonpost]

'Between a rock and a hard place' is where you are, for sure. As others have said, you're unlikely to be able to resolve this on your own, so where might you get some help? If your wife is part of the problem, then she could be of the solution. Does she have a close friend that you could approach and who might talk to her and help her to see the problems that her behaviour is causing you both? A third party can sometimes instigate a start to finding a way through seemingly intractable problems where two partners are at an impasse.
Your work situation, and its proximity to a problematic home life are intolerable. There must be someone within your work environment that you can talk to and show them the difficulties you have to face in just doing your job. Health and Safety may be willing to act on an anonymous tip-off if a reasoned approach isn't accepted by your employer. Are you a Trade Union member? They can help.
As an ex-soldier you will be used to tidiness, order, and discipline so it's no wonder the situation is hard to bear. A few days away together may provide a space and opportunity to clear the air. The feeling that you just want to walk away is one that I and many others have experienced but few have done. We once had a neighbour who did just that; here today, gone tomorrow. We chanced to meet him a couple of years later and he deeply regretted his action. He said 'I thought a fresh start in a different area would solve all the problems. It didn't, I just swapped one set of problems for another'.
Good luck, but don't try and fix everything on your own.

 

[SammyQ]

Stig, as Ian said above:

"I feel really touched, emotional, and proud for you that you have reached out, we haven’t met you but we’re all sort of mates on here. Chin up Buddy, you’re on the road and you’ve just taken a huge first step. Well done and the best of luck. Ian"

That is the first thing, we're with you.

Sreocndly, YOU are expressing distress at the situation you find yourself in. That's absolutely normal and you are utterly entitled to your feelings. Again quoting from above: "Your right to have a functioning daily life is just as important as SWIMBO's right to have decent mental health. Shaping your lives around her hoarding habits just removes you both further and further from what you are entitled to."

This is the nub of the matter. Getting away from it might provide temporary respite, but in the end, her hoarding will have to be addressed. Your G.P. and his mental nurse would be the first port of call; by all means, reach out too to Samaritans and their ilk.

Marriage is a two-way street. One partner cannot impose a blanket kybosh of the other to address problems centred on, and originating from, THEIR experience.

Sorry if that reads as "Tough Love". Dealing with family problems was once part and parcel of my daily job and I found gentle, but firm, recognition that there IS a problem and that it must be addressed and mitigated is central to BOTH your wellbeings.

I hesitate to write more. Experience tells me that there is a welter of history and emotion behind this and getting a progression to where you are both happier is best achieved 'live and in person'. You need a mediator, one that is prepared to acknowledge issues, but equally, is prepared to work to resolve them and reduce their impact.

Good Luck and keep the faith my friend.

 

[Spectric]

Any local mens sheds you could get involved with ? I find the best way of keeping mostly sane is to keep occupied and have a range of hobbies / activities and interest that prevent the day dragging. Also this is not the easiest time of year as we have had the longer colder nights and there are not many places to visit but we are heading into spring and things should get better as we can all get out and about.

 

[Fred48]

Hi Stigmorgan
I'm really glad you have reached out to members of this forum. There is superb advice given in this thread.
With regards to the health and safety issues at work. I'm not sure if you are aware but you can contact and report H & S executive on line without providing your details.
I would hope you keep posting on this thread so that we can continue to support you.
Cheers Fred

 

[Andy's Shed]

Stig, I'm really sorry that you're going through a tough time at the moment. Life is full of ups and downs and I imagine that many of us have been there at some point or another. Please do talk to your GP, they will be able to help.

Things will get better, you've already made the first steps.

All the best.

 

[Spectric]

I had to clear a my brother's house and garden on his death ten years ago as his executor.

That would have sounded better had you included " of his will " !

 

[Spectric]

There must be someone on the UKW that is close enough to just meet up with for a coffee and chat, it would help you greatly and make you feel not in total isolation.

Another option, a much bigger shakeup would be to apply for that Tv show where they help hoarders overcome there issues but currently closed for applications.

https://www.starnow.com/casting/hoarders-wanted-for-channel-5-docuseries-1315054/

 

[Daniel2]

That would have sounded better had you included " of his will " !

Naughty - - but a good one