Jokes

[CHJ]

A college class was told they had to write a short story in as few
words as possible. It had to contain the following three things:


1) Religion 2) Sexuality 3) Mystery.

There was only one A+ paper in the entire class.


Below is the A+ short story:








Good God, I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it.

 

[Gill]

West Virginia's worst air disaster occurred when a small two-seater Cessna 150 plane, piloted by two West Virginia University students, crashed into a cemetery earlier today in Morgantown.

Mountaineer search and rescue workers have recovered 300 bodies so far and expect the number to climb as digging continues into the evening.

The pilot and copilot survived and are helping in the recovery efforts.

 

[dedee]

That short story reminds me of an even shorter essay written on the subject of "The Future for Coal".

The essaist penned just one word............Smoke






Andy

 

[trevtheturner]

.... and the after dinner speaker was introduced to his audience to speak about ***. He stood and began, "It gives me great pleasure...." then sat down again.

Cheers,

Trev.

 

[Jaco]

Man speaking to his daughter upon her graduation from college:

He: "You shore have growed!"

She: "Grown, papa."

He: "Whut?"

She: "Grown, papa!"

He, looking puzzled: "Ooooooooooaaaahhhh!"

 

[CHJ]

Food for thought:

1. Save the whales. Collect the whole set.

2 A day without sunshine is like, night.

3. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

4. I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.

5. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

6. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

7. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

8. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

9. Remember, half the people you know are below average.

10. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

12. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

13. I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

14. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.

15. Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.

16. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

17. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

18. Get a new car for your spouse. It'll be a great trade!

19. Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

20. Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!

21. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.

22. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.

23. OK, so what's the speed of dark?

24. How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

25. If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

26. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

27. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

28. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.

29. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

30. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?

31. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

32. What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

33. I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

34. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

35. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

36. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering ‘what happened?

37. Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.

38. Light travels faster than sound, which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

 

[LyNx]

nice on CHJ

 

[Jaco]

A young blonde woman is asked out on a date and accepts. The boy picks
her up and they go to a nearby carnival in town. They ride a few rides,
play a few games, and seem to be generally hitting it off well. During a
sort of romantic lull, however, the boy says, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want a weigh," she says.

Well, OK, thinks the boy. They walk over to the fortune scales, and weigh
her. They play a few more games and stop for foods.

"What do you want to do now?" asks the boy again.

"I want a weigh," she says.

Hmmm, a little odd but I'll put up with it, thinks the boy. Again they
get her weight and fortune.

After yet another few games and an exquisite fireworks show, the boy
repeats, "What do you want to do now?"

"I want a weigh," she says.

Damn, thinks the boy, she's just too weird for me. They get her weight
and fortune, and the boy drives her home.

As she walks into the house, her sister asks, "How'd your date go?"

"Wousy," says the girl.

 

[Jaco]

What retired people do

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their
days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went to a shop in High
street.
I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a cop
writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on mate, how about giving a senior citizen
a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a Nazi
*******.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tyres.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog ****.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first.
Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes.
The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a ****. I came into town by bus.
I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at
my age.

 

[frank]

a little old irish chap goes to the doctors and tells him that he cant go to the toilet as he is bunged up .
the doctors tells him to drop his pants and to bend over the couch
the doctors puts on a pair of gloves and gets his forceps and starts poking about for a bit and pulls out a tenner ,he pokes about some more and starts pulling out 20s and 50s .the irish chap says dont stop doc keep going
after a while he cant find anymore so he starts to count it
he tells the chap it comes to £1995.
the little irish guy says i thought i wasn't feeling to grand .

frank

 

[Sawdust]

An old guy goes to see his doctor.

He says, "doctor, there's something seriously wrong with me and it's worrying me sick, can you help me."

The doctor asks him to explain the problem.

The old guy says. "Well it's like this, I'm married to a 28 year old nymphomaniac, when we wake up in the morning she wants to make love, when I come home for lunch, we make love before and after and then at night we have to make love three times before we go to sleep."

The doctor is speechless, he looks at the old guy and says, you seem to have the perfect life, every man's dreams, what can possibly be wrong with you?"

The old guy looks worriedly at the doctor and says "The thing is doctor, every time I have a w*nk, I black out"

 

[Jaco]

The Zoo



A man goes to the zoo.When he gets there, there was only a dog.......


It was a shitzu.

 

[Taffy Turner]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving George W Bush his daily briefing and tells him
that three Brazilian soldiers have been killed in Iraq.

George says "that's absolutely terrible", and is lost for words, and
holds his head in his hands for several minutes.

His staff are amazed at the response, and the whole room stays silent.

Finally George lifts his head from the table and says:

"Exactly how many is a brazillion????

 

[Jaco]

How it happened


The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom
making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady!

"You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you
do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm
leaving this house, I want a divorce!"

The husband replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least
listen to what happened"

"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from
you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . . "While driving home this
young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead
and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well
dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3
days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up
the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat
because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically
devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower.

While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of
holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave
her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can
no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the
blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I
don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you
for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I
also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that
you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same
pair."

The husband continues his story . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door.


When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of
her eyes, she asks me:

"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use.........

 

[Freetochat]

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.

Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous.

She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit.

So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.

She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device.. a vibrator!

Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one.

She went completely ballistic.

"You impotent *******," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me all of these years?

You better explain yourself!"

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly:

"I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the kids."

 

[RogerS]

An old guy is roadtesting his sports car and blasting down the motorway and decides to give the car a bit more wellie. As he's hurtling down the motorway well in excess of the speed limit he drives past a policecar that immediately starts to give chase.

So there's the old guy thinking I can soon lose him and accelerates even faster. The police car, lights flashing, keeps pace with him. Sanity takes over and the old guy says to himself 'I'm getting too old for this' and so pulls over to the side of the road.

The policecar pulls in behind him and the policeman gets out and says to the old guy "I'm going offduty in 10 minutes, sir. If you can come up with an excuse that I've not heard before then I'll let you go".

So the old guy says to the policeman "Well, officer. My wife left me two weeks ago to shack up with one of you lot and I thought that you were trying to bring her back".

The policeman replied "Have a good night, sir"

 

[Jaco]

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT LIFE THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED

1. Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2. There is always a lot to be thankful for if you take the time to look for it. For example, I am sitting here thinking how nice it is that wrinkles don’t hurt.
3. One reason to smile is that every seven minutes of every day, someone in an aerobics class pulls a hamstring.
4. The best way to keep kids at home is to make the home a pleasant atmosphere and let the air out of their tyres.
5. Car sickness is the feeling you get when the monthly car payment is due.
6. Families are like fudge, mostly sweet with a few nuts.
7. Laughing helps. It’s like jogging on the inside.
8. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
9. If you can remain calm, you just don’t have all the facts.
10. You know you are getting old when you stoop to tie your shoes and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

 

[Jaco]

Why men are so cool

Everything on our face stays the same colour.
We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Tree pairs of shoes are more than enough.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We can quietly watch a ball game with a buddy for hours without ever thinking, “He must be mad at me”.
Same work ….. More pay.
We can drop by a friend without having to bring a little gift.
If another guy shows up at a party in the same outfit, we might just become lifelong friends.
Our friends can be trusted to never trap us with “So, do you notice anything different?”
We are unable to see wrinkles in our clothes.

Why woman are so cool

We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
If we marry someone 30 years younger, we’re aware we look like an *****.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We’ll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person by just looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren’t listening anyway.

 

[Gill]

They're not having any Christmas decorations in Vietnam this year - instead, they're just hanging glitter.

 

[tim]

Two terrorists in a camping shop trying on rucksacks.

One turns to the other and asks:"Does my bomb look big in this?"

Cheers

Tim