Jokes

[Gill]

A little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?"

She, in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, "I don't think my pet python weally gives a thit."

 

[Chris Knight]

A Great one Gill! :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Adam]

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Osama is still alive", Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H. Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA And the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain's MI6 for help. They cabled the White House: "Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down

 

[Bean]

Ho Ho Ho Ho Nice one Adam


Bean

 

[Chris Knight]

 

[Aragorn]

LOL
What a find!

 

[Gill]

Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator.

Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call the RAC until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will open the bonnet and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.

Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.

Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

Because I'm a guy, when one of our household appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going?

Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either *** or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't.

Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mum, too?

Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my mates and I have to go find another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my mates call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front garden. What's the connection?

Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.

Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

 

[Noel]

You are so right on the last one Gill-

Cath - you still in the bath?..What do you think of this?
Noel - looks fine.
Cath - You sure? You're just not saying that?
Noel - Looks good, great.
Cath - I'm not sure about the top. What do you think?
Noel - No, I like it.
2 minute later and I've still not finished the page I'm trying to read...
Cath - There, what about this top?
Noel - Great, looks really good.
Cath - So you didn't like the other top.
Noel - No, I just like that one better.
Cath - I'm not sure about it.
Noel - Ok, whatever.
Cath - I'm so fed up not having any clothes
Noel - Hmmm
Cath - Look at the time, get out the bath, we'll be late.
Noel - Plenty of time, calm down
Cath - don't tell me to calm down, I am calm.
So, what about this top?
Noel - Looks well.
Cath - You aren't even looking
Noel - I am. Best top I've seen you in. New is it?
Cath - Was, 5 years ago.
Noel - Right, very nice.
Bit more hot water and a final soak
Cath - What do you think of these boots Do they go with this top?
Noel - Looks fine to me.
Cath - You didn't like these boots when I bought them. Tell me the truth, you just tell me I look good to get rid of me. And what the hell does "fine" and "nice" mean any way? Why can't you just compliment me that I look well instead of having to ask all the time?
Noel gets out of the bath, locks the bathroom door and gets back into the bath.

I'll not go on, you get the picture, which just might be familiar once or twice a month......

Noel, who always has had something urgent to do when clothes shopping is mentioned.....

 

[Anonymous]

Universal Truths

1. Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2. At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3. One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4. You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5. Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6. Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7. Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8. You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10. Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11. You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12. Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13. Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14. Rummaging in an overgrow garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15. You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16. Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17. The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18. The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19. Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20. Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee, flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21. Old women with mobile phones look wrong.

22. Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23. Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24. You never ever run out of salt.

25. Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26. You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27. There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28. No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29. Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30. The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31. People who don't drive slam car doors too hard.

32. You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33. Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34. Bricks are horrible to carry.

35. In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

36. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

 

[Bean]

Noel, Hermes so true so true except it was a pig in our school.


Bean

 

[Gill]

Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into he deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the Director of Nursing became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged; since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of another patient, I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with the belt of his robe right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"







A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas, walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, “You know, a mug goes flat; after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”

The cowgirl replies, ”Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself.”

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.

The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way.
She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”

The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

“Oh, no, everybody's just fine”, she explains. “It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though.”

 

[dedee]

There was an architect on our street who had his house made backwards so that he could watch television.

Andy

 

[Anonymous]

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Bozeman, Montana, awaiting their flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer.
Another is a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show
and the third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly
arrived at Montana State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face. The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around, and the old windsock is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks, At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few."

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, "Once my people were few," he sneers, "and now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?"

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a drawl, .

"That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do believe it's a-comin'."

 

[mudman]

An ice cream vendor has been found dead, covered in strawberry sauce....


Police believe he topped himself.


I'll get me coat.

 

[Noel]

A ship carrying red paint crashed into a ship carrying blue paint. All the crew were marooned......

Think I'll keep the day job..........

Noel, father of a 10 year old comedian

 

[norman]

WARNING

This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men.

What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield.

While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car.

They are very good at this.



They got me 7 times last Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn't able to find them on Sunday.


found on web
norman

 

[RogerS]

My wife dresses to kill. She also cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I asked her , "Where's the car?" She replied,"In the lake."

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to Interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I now have two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it since the thief was spending much less than his wife did.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" The father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."

Young Son: Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a Man doesn't know his wife until he marries her? Dad: That happens in every country, son.

Then there was a man who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married; then it was too late.

A man placed an ad in the classifieds: "Wife wanted." The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same : "You can have mine."

A woman was telling her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire." "And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend. "A billionaire." she replied.

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Losing a wife can be very hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.

Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can ask for whatever he wants, but his mother-in-law gets double of what he gets. The man thinks for a moment and says,"Okay, give me a million dollars and beat me till I'm half dead."

Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

First guy (proudly): "My wife's an angel!" Second guy: "You're lucky, mine's still alive.

 

[Jaco]

Dear Dr Paul

I need some advice.

I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been having an affair. The usual signs. Phone rings, I answer, someone hangs up. She started going out 'with the girls' a lot recently although when I ask which girls it is always "Just some friends from work, you don't know them". I always look out for her taxi coming home but she always walks down the drive although I can hear a car setting off. As if she has got out of the car round the corner. Why? Is it not a taxi? I once picked her mobile up just to see what time it was and she went berserk and screamed that I should never touch her phone again and why was I checking up on her. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife, but last night she went out again and I decided to check on her.

I decided I was going to hide behind my car which would give me a view of the whole street so I could see which car she gets out of. It was whilst crouched behind my car that I noticed rust around my rear wheel arch.

Should I take it into a body repair shop or should I buy some stuff from Mica and try to repair it myself?

Help please,

Martin.

 

[Jaco]

A Tribute To Mothers



This is for all the mothers who NEVER won "Mother of the Year," and all those to busy being a mother to care.

This is for all the mothers who freeze their you know what on metal bleachers instead of watching from cars, so that when their kids ask, "Did you see my goal?" they can say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world."

This is for every mother who ever sat up all night with a sick toddler in her arms, wiping the child at both ends, while saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."

This is for all the mothers of the victims of our nation's school shootings, and the mothers of the murderers. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

It's for all the mothers who run carpools and bake cookies and sew Halloween costumes. AND, it's for all the mothers who DON'T.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse, cook dinner and sew on a button all at the same time? Or is it heart? Is it the ache you feel when you watch your child disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the first time? Is it the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child when you hear news of a school-shooting, a fire, a car accident, a baby dying? I think so.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the mothers who wanted to but just couldn't.

This is for reading "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then reading it again. "Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who mess up. Those who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair and stomp their feet like tired three-year-olds who want ice cream before dinner.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

It's for all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed-- when their 14 year-olds dye their hair green, pierce body parts and ask for contraceptives.



This is for all the mothers who lock themselves in the bathroom when babies keep crying and won't stop.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purses.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump-shot.

This is for all mothers whose heads turn automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are not with them.

This is for mothers who put pinwheels and teddy bears on their children's graves.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, and who can't find the words to reach them.

This is for mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation. And mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.




THANK YOU MOTHERS, wherever you may be. This is for you all.

 

[DaveL]

See how many you can do!


1. Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in peoples' trolley when they aren't looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks in houseware to go off at 5 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor to the toilet.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "Code 10 at Pharmacy" ... and see what happens.

5. Go to the Service Desk and ask to put a bag of M&M's on hold.

6. Move a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.

7. Set up a tent in the houseware and tell other shoppers you'll only invite them in if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

8. When an assistant asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"

9. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

10. While handling knives in the kitchen ware department ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.

11. Dart around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the theme from Mission Impossible.

12. In the car accessory department practice your Madonna look using different size funnels.

13. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through shout, "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!"

14. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker assume the foetal position and scream, "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

15. Go into a fitting room and yell real loudly...."Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"