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NEW RULING BY DVLA
In order to assist other motorists in identifying potentially dangerous
drivers, it's now compulsory for anyone with a lower than average IQ and
driving ability to display a warning flag.
The flag (comprising of a red cross on a white background) will be attached
to the top of at least one door of their vehicle.
For drivers of exceptionally low ability, additional flags are required.
 
A man starts work at a zoo. The first day he's given three tasks. The first one is to clean out the fish pond. He starts cleaning away all the weed with a rake when all of a sudden two big fish jump out of the water at him. He swings round and hits them both with the rake killing them . Oh hell he thinks, that'll be the end of this job, killing their prize specimens but then he has a brilliant idea. He picks them up and carts them down to the lion's den and throws them in. Next job is to clean out the chimps cage. Happily working away with his spade when two chimps jump on him and start biting and scratching, he swings around with his spade and kills them both. Another trip down to the lion's cage. Last task of a busy day collecting honey from bee hives. Collecting merrily away when a swarm of bees attack him. Getting used to it by now lays about with spade and kills dozens of them. Another trip to the lion's cage and off home he goes. Next day a new lion comes into the cage has a little wander round and says to one of the old lions "whats the food like in here? the old lion replies " Brilliant Yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees! :D :D :D
 
Subject: Bloody Donkey!


One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well. The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.

He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well.
At first, the donkey realized what was happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down.

A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing.
He would shake it off and take a step up

As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!

Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up!
Shake it off and take a step up.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:

1. Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.

2. Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.

3. Live simply and appreciate what you have.

4. Give more.

5. Expect less


 NOW --------

Enough of that crap .

The donkey later came back and bit the **** out of the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected, and the farmer eventually died in agony from septic shock.

MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON:

When you do something wrong and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
 
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.

After explaining the commandment to "honor" thy Father and thy Mother, she asked, "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat one little boy (the oldest of a family) answered, "Thou shall not kill."



A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."

"Yes," the class said.

"Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?"

A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."




The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic Primary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note: "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."


Not bad for old ones :lol:
 
ok ok, one from me, quite old but funney nevertheless!!

There was a Nun and a Mother Superior walking down the street and there was a large group of youths pointing and laughing at them.

The Nun turned to the Mother Superior and said, "Those children are mocking me, whatever shall i do"

The Mother superior replied "Show them your cross my dear"

So the nun shouted "F*** off you little B*****ds"

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: ohh, you cant beat them :p

Tom
 
A novice nun is sent to the local village for some supplies.On the way back she has a dalliance with a farm boy.Realising she may be found out she rushes to tell the Mother Superior that she has been raped.
"What should I do? "she pleads of the Mother."Go down to the kitchen an get a lemon,cut it in two and suck each half dry"Will I then be absolved?"
asked the novice. "No"snapped the Mother "But it will wipe that smile off your face.
 
This isn't a joke, it happened to some friends of ours
The friends took their children to see a panto at the local village hall.The panto was Peter Pan.At one point Captain hook caught one of the "Lost boys" and turned to the audience to ask what he should do with the brat.
Quick as a flash the four year old son of our friends called out "Cut his willy off. The cast had difficulty saying their lines after that.
 
A group of Co-workers is standing around the
office of their lawfirm. The main discussion
was Bill.

Bill was an upbeat guy, always replying to any
situation "It could of been worse". They came
up with a brillant idea. They were to make up a
situation so bad even Bill can't find the better
side of it.

The next day Bill was approached by his
co-workers. One of them started describing the
plot.

It started out with "Hey Bill, did you hear about
Frank".

Bill, not knowing what was going on replied no.
Another worker continued. "When he got home last
night he caught his wife in bed with another man.
He went to his closet, grabbed his shotgun, shot
his wife, shot the man, then turned the gun on
himself, now they're all dead.

Bill smiled and replied "It could have been
worse".

One of the workers piped up "How could it be
worse"?

Bill said "Two nights earlier and I'd be dead!"



John
 
A lady doing laundry discovered that the dryer
stopped getting hot. "Hey honey" she called to
her husband. "The dryer's broke.. can you fix
it?" "Who do I look like, the Kenmore repairman?"

A few days later the dishwasher broke. "Honey,
the dishwasher broke. Can you fix it?" "Who do I
look like, the Maytag man?" grumbled her husband.

A few days later the oven broke. "Hey honey...I
can't fix dinner... the oven broke. Can you fix
it?" "Who do I look like... an oven repair man?"

A few weeks later the husband said to his wife,
"Hey honey. I noticed you got all that stuff
around the house fixed. How much did it cost?"

"Well" the wife replied, "You know Mick next
door. Well, he agreed to do all the repairs for
free if I'd sleep with him or bake him a cake."

"What kind of cake did you make him?"
"Who do I look like, Betty Crocker?"



John
 
A farmer wanted to have his hens serviced, so he
went to the market looking for a rooster. He was
hoping he could get a special rooster - one that
could service all of his many hens and when he
told this to the market vendor, the vendor
replied: "I have just the rooster for you".
Randy here is the horniest rooster you will ever
see!"

So the farmer took Randy back to the farm. Before
setting him loose in the henhouse though, he gave
Randy a little pep talk. "Randy", he said,"I'm
counting on you to do your stuff". And without a
word, he strutted into the henhouse.

Randy was as fast as he was furious, mounting each
hen like a thunderbolt. There was much squawking
and many feathers flying, till Randy had finished
having his way with each hen.

But Randy didn't stop there, he went in to the
barn and mounted all the horses, one by one and
still at the same frantic pace.

Then he went to the pighouse, where he did the
same. The farmer, watching all of this with
disbelief, cried out "Stop, Randy, you'll kill
yourself". But Randy continued, seeking out each
farm animal in the same manner.

Well the next morning, the farmer looked out and
saw Randy lying there on his lawn. His legs were
up in the air, his eyes rolled back, and his long
tongue hanging out. A buzzard was already circling
above Randy.

The farmer walked up to Randy saying "Oh you poor
thing, look what you did, you've gone and killed
yourself. I warned you my little buddy". "Shhhhh"
Randy whispered, "The buzzard's getting closer"


John
 
Firstly a bash at men, further down a bash at women :lol:

Classes for men at a local learning centre for adults

Note: Due to the complexity and difficulty level of their contents, each course will accept a maximum of 8 participants each.

Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays.
Step by step, with slide presentation.

Topic 2: The Toilet Roll: Do they grow on the holders?
Round table discussion.

Topic 3: Is It Possible To Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floor/Walls and Nearby Bathtub?
Group Practice.

Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor.
Pictures and explanatory graphics.

Topic 5: The After Dinner Dishes and Silverware. Can they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink? Examples on video.

Topic 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other.
Helpline Support and Support Groups.

Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with: Looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming.
Open Forum

Topic 8: Health Watch - Bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health.
Graphics and Audio tape.

Topic 9: Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost.
Real life testimonials.

Topic 10: Is It Genetically Impossible To Sit Quietly As She Parallel Parks?
Driving simulation.

Topic 11: Learning To Live - Basic differences between mother and wife.
Online class and role-playing.

Topic 12: How To Be the Ideal Shopping Companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates, also includes: Calling When You're Going To Be Late.
Group discussion.

And now for the bash at women...

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never
be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to
the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts her sentence with "A man once told me . . ."

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men fart more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months:
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%.
It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3 ring circus: Engagement Ring, Wedding Ring, Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault: My wife asked me "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and
rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said,
"I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I
wish I had your willpower."

Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man
doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every
country, son."

A man inserted an advertisement in the classified: "Wife Wanted." The next
day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can
have mine."

The most effective way to remember your wife's
birthday is to forget it, once.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a
bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.


Ah, equality :wink:
 
Equality?! I make that 21 women "bashes" as against 13 male. Sheesh, I thought men were supposed to be better at numbers...? :roll: :p

Cheers, Alf
 
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS

Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC

Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH

A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.

A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.


PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.



HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
 
American Joke so can't be centigrade:

+40 DEGREES
-- Californians shiver uncontrollably.
-- People in Scotland sunbathe.

+35 DEGREES
-- Italian cars won't start.
-- People in Scotland drive with the windows down.

+20 DEGREES
-- Floridians wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
-- People in Scotland throw on a T-shirt.

+15 DEGREES
-- Californians begin to evacuate the state.
-- People in Scotland go swimming in the sea.

0 DEGREES
-- New York landlords turn the heat on.
-- People in Scotland have a last barby before it gets cold.

MINUS 10 DEGREES
-- People in Miami are extinct.
-- People in Scotland lick flagpoles.

MINUS 20 DEGREES
-- Californians all now live in Mexico.
-- People in Scotland throw on a light jacket.

MINUS 80 DEGREES
-- Polar bears begin to evacuate the Arctic.
-- Scottish Boy Scouts postpone winter survival exercise until it gets cold
enough.

MINUS 100 DEGREES
-- Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
-- People in Scotland wear a vest and pull down their ear flaps.

MINUS 173 DEGREES
-- Ethyl alcohol freezes.
-- People in Scotland are angry 'cos they can't thaw their whiskey kegs.

MINUS 297 DEGREES
-- Microbial life starts to grind to a halt.
-- Scottish cows complain of farmers with cold hands.

MINUS 460 DEGREES
-- ALL atomic motion stops.
-- People in Scotland start saying " A bit chilly...eh?"

MINUS 500 DEGREES
-- Hell freezes over.
-- Scottish people support England in the European Championship.
 
A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two retired and fell asleep quickly...he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.
"Good," she replies. "Get your own f...ing blanket.
After a moment of silence, he farted.
 
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum, sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American who, nevertheless, started up a conversation.
The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, "Do you Australian folks eat the whole loaf? " The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, "yeah, of course".
The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia. "
The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence. The American persisted, "D'ya eat jam with the bread?
"Sighing, the Australian replied "yes. " Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "we don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam, and sell it to Australia.
The Australian then asked, "do you have sex in the States? "
The American smiled and said "yeah, of course we do. "
The Australian leant closer to him and asked, "what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"
"We throw them away of course" replied the American.
Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.
"We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to The United States, that's why its called Wrigley's
 
I did some research...............


A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the
child
reaches
2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a
full
moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the
line
would
never end because of the rate of reproduction.


If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend
an
average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver,
or
purple.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
ears
never
stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand
and
“lollipop” with your right.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of
diesel
that
it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube
and
a
chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses
every
letter of the alphabet.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they
are
read
left to right or right to left (palindromes).


There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in
“dous”:
tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous


There are two words in the English language that have all five
vowels in
order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only
on
one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks;
otherwise
it will digest itself.

....................Now you know everything!

:D :D :D
 
Manure:

In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by
ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizer’s invention, so
large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because
in dry
form
it
weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it
not
only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of
which a by product is methane gas.



As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what
could
(and
did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first
time
someone came below at night with a lantern, KABOOOOM! Several ships
were
destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was
happening.



After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term
“Ship High In Transport” on them which meant for the sailors to stow
it
high
enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold
would
not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.



Thus evolved the term “S.H.I.T “ (Ship High In Transport), which has
come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.



-You probably did not know the true history of this word.-
:D :D
 
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