Jokes

[woodshavings]

From www.woodworkforums.ubeaut.com.au

An Australian guy decides to travel around the Greek Islands. He
walks into a bar and Jill (the Australian Barmaid) takes his order,
Fosters, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get to know each other quite well. At the end of Jill's shift he asks her if she wants to come back to his place and have *** with him.

Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to
pay her $200 for ***. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short
of funds she agrees.

The next night the guy turns up again, orders Fosters and after
showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will
sleep with him again for $200. Jill remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night the guy comes in,
orders Fosters and sits in the corner.

Jill thinks that may be she should pay him more attention and maybe she can shake some more cash out of him again. So she goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he's from in Australia and he tells her Melbourne.

"So am I... What suburb in Melbourne?"
"Glen Iris" he replies
"That's amazing..." she says, "...so am I - what Street?"
"Cameo Street" he replies.
"This is unbelievable..." she says,"...what number?"
He says "Number 20" and she is totally astonished.
"You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 22 and
my parents still live there!"
"I know..." he says, "...your Father gave me $1,000 to give to
you"

...THINKS AUSTRALIAN

 

[thomaskennedy]

How do you turn your dishwasher into a snowplough???















Give Her a Shovel! :lol: :lol:


Ta

Tom

 

[Adam]

Prison Carpenter
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After 3 years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community, and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, ''Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place.''

 

[Steve Maskery]

A man woke up to a loud knocking on his front door. Upon opening it he finds a man standing in his porch.
"Will you give me a push?", asks the man.
"What? No! It's 3 o'clock in the morning! Go away!" I paraphrase.
"Who was that darling?", asks his wife, as he crawls back into bed.
"Some bloke wanting a push at 3 o'clock in the morning. I told him to get lost"
"Oh you are so hard-hearted! Don't you remember when you broke down, you were glad of a push. Go and help him."
So, muttering and grumbling under his breath, he puts on his shoes and coat and open the front door. All is dark outside and he can't see anything.
"Hello!", he calls out.
"Hello!" comes a faint reply.
"Are you still there?"
"Yes".
"Do you still want a push?"
"Yes please"
"OK, Where are you?"
"Over here, on the swing!"

Ho, ho, ho.

 

[Drew]

God had just about finished creating man, but he had two things left over in
his bag and he couldn't quite decide how to split them between Adam and
Eve, so he thought he would just ask them.
He told them one of the things that he had left was a thing that would allow
the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them, "and I was wondering if either
one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down, pleaded and begged for it.
"Oh, please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like
just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to
me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy. Eve just smiled and
told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it.
So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee while standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started peeing all over the place.
First on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, then he
tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away, all the time - laughing
with delight. All the time, God and Eve watched him with amusement and
then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing
I have left.
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains", said God

 

[Anonymous]

OK, certainly not very PC, and very old, but it made me laugh when I was about 12!

Did you hear about the Biafran who fell into a pool of crocodiles?

He ate three before they could pull him out!

 

[Adam]

**************************

A RECENT survey of Premiership footballers asked if they would sleep with Jordan.

Eighty-six per cent replied: “Never again.”

**************************

JORDAN phones the doctor late one night. “Doctor,” she says in a panic, “you’ve got to come over. Peter’s just swallowed a condom.”
The doctor rushes to get his things together when the phone rings again. It’s Jordan again.

“Don’t worry, Doc, there’s no need to come round,” she says. “We’ve found another one.”

**************************

A POLICEMAN pulls over a flash car for speeding. The girl driving has huge, pouting lips and massive breasts.

“Can I see your driving licence please?” he asks.

“Certainly officer,” says the girl, seductively.

The policeman walks to his car and passes the info to his control room.

“Look, mate,” comes a voice over the radio, “that’s Jordan. She’s thick as two short planks. What you should do is go over to her and drop your trousers.”

“What?” asks the policeman, shocked.

“Trust me,” says the voice.

So the policeman goes back to the car and drops his trousers.

“Oh no,” says Jordan, groaning. “Not another breathalyser test!”

**************************


“PETER, Peter,” cries Jordan.

“I’ve finished my jigsaw, it only took me three weeks!” “Why are you so excited?” he says.

Jordan replies: “The box says two to four years.”

**************************

DAVID BECKHAM is chatting to his best friend Gary Neville about the merits or otherwise of Jordan. “Come on,” says Gary.

“Take away the huge breasts, the fantastic figure, the gorgeous, pouting lips and those flirtatious eyes and what have you got?”

David looks a bit wistful. “My wife,” he replies.

**************************

JORDAN enters a swimming gala. Lining up for the breaststroke she eyes up her competitors and feels confident she will give them a run for their money.

The starting gun sounds. Twenty seconds later the winner emerges from the pool, followed swiftly by the girls in second and third.

Poor Jordan takes 20 minutes to complete the race. As the judge hands her the wooden spoon, she whispers: “I don’t want to be a bad loser or anything — but I’m sure those other girls used their arms.”

**************************

WHAT'S the first thing Jordan does in the morning?

Introduces herself.

**************************

WHAT does Jordan do when her bank account stops working?

She ditches him.

**************************

A MAN goes to confession. “Father,” he says, “I’m happily married with three children. Last night, I made love to Jordan — not once, not twice but three times.

“She dressed up as a nurse, a traffic warden and a schoolgirl and fulfilled every sordid fantasy of mine.”

“I see,” says the priest. “And when did you last come to confession?”

“Come to confession? I’ve never come to confession before. I’m not Catholic.”

“Not Catholic?” retorts the priest. “Then why are you telling me this?”

“I’m telling everyone.” says the bloke.

WHY does Jordan take the Pill?

So that she can keep track of what day of the week it is.

**************************

JORDAN is sitting on a plane next to a nun. The air hostess offers the busty model a drink and she gratefully accepts a glass of champagne.

The air hostess turns to the nun and says: “Would you like a drink?”

“Certainly not,” replies the nun.

“I would rather be ravaged by a heathen than let alcohol pass my lips.”

Jordan hands her drink back to the air hostess and says: “Sorry, I didn’t realise there was a choice.”


**************************

WHAT do Jordan and prawns have in common?

Their heads are full of crap — but the pink bits are nice.

**************************

WHY does Jordan drive a convertible?

More leg room.

**************************

WHY did Jordan spend so much time staring at her glass of orange juice?
It said “concentrate” on the carton.

 

[blurk99]

Passengers on a small commuter service are waiting for the flight to leave.
The entrance opens and two men walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots'uniforms--both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide-dog, and the other is tapping his way up the aisle with a cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves and taxis down the runway. People at the windows begin to realize that they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport tarmac. As it begins to look as though the plane will never take off, that it will plow into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.....but at that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon they have all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and says,
"You know Bob..... one of these days, they're gonna scream too late, and we're all gonna die. . .."

 

[frank]

betty says to joe you havent said a word to me all week ,joe replies well i thought it was bad manners to interupt

a couple have been married for over 40 years and every year he buys her something special ,so he thinks i will buy her a little plot of land in the local church yard ,she was over the moon with her present .the next year she gets nothing so she asked him why havent you got me anything for my birthday ,he replies well you didn't use the present i got you last year .

 

[Steve Maskery]

A man walks into a pub. He has his head bandaged, arm in a sling, tubes coming out of his neck and is walking around connected to a drip trolley.
"I'll have a double scotch please", says the man.
"Are you sure?", asks the surprised barman.
"Yes".
And he knocks it back in one.
"Ooh that was good, I'll have another".
The barman raises an eyebrow, but serves him, and again he knocks it back in one.
"Same again, please".
The barman serves him, and after downing it like the first two, the man says, "You know, I really shouldn't be drinking whisky with what I've got".
"Really?", asks the barman, not the least bit surprised. "And what have you got?"
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
v
"Thirty seven pence".

Boom, boom.

 

[frank]

three pregnant women talking the first one says we done it missonary style and i'm having a girl ,the second one say i was on top and i'm having a boy ,the third one says oh dear i must be having pups .

 

[Anonymous]

OLD CHRISTMAS JOKE:
A woman goes into a record shop and says to the bloke behind the counter 'have you got jingle bells on seven inch?'

'Nope', he says, 'but i do have dangling balls on a twelve incher'

'Thats not a record!' she replies.

'Well' he answered, ' it's not far short!'


eh? come on, be fair, you don't get gems like this in a cracker!

 

[Taffy Turner]

Puts hand over eyes and ducks under desk before Alf sees the previous post...... :shock: :shock: :shock:

 

[Alf]

Puts hand over eyes and ducks under desk before Alf sees the previous post...... :shock: :shock: :shock:

If I started worrying about what gets posted in this thread I'd never get anything else done.

However, just to show I'm paying attention:

<sigh>

Cheers, Alf

 

[frank]

whats the difference between a man spending a £1 on a lottery ticket and a man having an argument with his wife .

the man with the lottery ticket has more chance of winning . boom boom

 

[Jaco]

An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally they
> > decided it might be time for marriage. But before tying the knot,
> > they went out for a heart to heart talk over dinner about whether
> > it would really work out.
> >
> > They discussed finances, living arrangements, snoring, and so on.
> > Finally, the gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of
> > their physical relationship.
> >
> > "How do you feel about ***?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well,"
> > she said, responding very carefully,
> >
> > "I'd have to say that I would like it infrequently."
> >
> > The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then looking over his
> > glasses, he casually asked, "Was that one word or two?"

 

[Jaco]

The Bank wishes to inform all its clients that we are installing new "Drive-thru" ATM machines, where you will be able to withdraw money without leaving your vehicle. Please follow the instructions that apply to you:


For our MALE customers:
1. Drive up to the ATM machine
2. Open your car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive off

For our FEMALE customers:

1. Drive up to ATM machine
2. Reverse the required amount to align car window with machine
3. Restart stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card .
6.Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM machine, due to its excessive distance from car
9. Insert card
10. After "Invalid card" is displayed, remove the Edgars credit card and insert correct ATM card
11. Remove ATM card
12. Re-insert card right way up
13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page
14. Enter PIN
15. Press "cancel" and re-enter correct PIN
16. Enter amount of cash required
17. Check make-up in rearview mirror
18. Retrieve card
19. Empty handbag again to locate card holder and place card inside
20. Place receipt in back of cheque book
21. Re-check make-up
22. Drive forward 2 metres
23. Reverse back to ATM machine
24. Retrieve cash
25. Re-empty handbag, locate purse and place cash inside
26. Restart stalled engine and pull off
27. Drive for 2 to 3 kilometres
28. Release handbrake

 

[Jaco]

1 st Shade:

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning.
The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the telephone, listened a moment,
and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up.

The husband said, "Who was that?"

The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear'."



2nd Shade:

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the pavement and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar."

She hands it to the second blonde.

The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"



3rd Shade:

A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door, she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry.

She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.

The boyfriend yells, "No, honey, don't do it!"

The blonde replies, "Shut up, you're next!"



4th Shade:

A blonde brags about her knowledge of American state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead; ask me, I know all of them."

A friend says, "OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?"

The blonde replies, "Oh that's easy -- 'W'."



5th Shade:

What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?

"Is it mine?"



6th Shade:

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch. "Wow!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was trampled on by an elephant! Are you OK, ma'am?"

"Why, yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road, when from out of nowhere this tree popped up in front of me, so I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was another tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was...."

"Uh, madam," the officer said, cutting her off as he looked inside the car, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles, that was your air-freshener swinging back and forth."


7th Shade:

Returning home from work, a blonde was astonished to see that she had been robbed. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at

the sight of the cop and his dog, and then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!"

 

[Jaco]

> A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
> show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts
> going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th
> row stands on her chair and starts shouting:
>
> "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you
> can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair
> have to do with her worth as a human being?
>
> It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work
> and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person.
> Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against
> not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!"
>
> The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells,
>
> "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little sh*t on your
knee."

 

[Guest]

An old lady takes her even older husband to the doctors.The doctor gives him a thorough examination but can't pin down the problem so he say's"
I'll need samples of your urine,semen and faeces for testing". "What did he say?"the old fellow asks his wife."Just leave a pair of underpants with reception" she snapped at him