Robbo3
Established Member
Marriage Jokes 30+. Some are a bit near the mark but not as bad as others that I have held back - so if you are easily offended probably best if you give them a miss
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Flowers
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:
"Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
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Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams."
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Wedding Anniversary
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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Ann Summers
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
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Unfaithful
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.
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Selective Hearing
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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Trading Places
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So please allow her body to switch with mine for a day."
God, in his infinite wisdom granted the man's wish. The next morning sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose and cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Next he went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and though his daily chores weren't finished he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!"
The Lord in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months. You got pregnant last night"
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One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
--
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
--
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
--
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
--
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
--
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
--
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
--
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
--
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
--
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
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Catching Up
Two female friends are catching up: - So, how was your evening last night? - A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"... So, how was your evening last night? - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You? - A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ******* candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about **** knows what!
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My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
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Attention
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
"C'mon, Honey. Really, Honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually he'll say,
"What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? I'm listening!"
Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with the car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove a tool and hide it somewhere special. Within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be prepared though, He will be cranky.
More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.
Tim Allen
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Shopping Mall
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband, "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."
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This is what marriage is really all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH"
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
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A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Logic
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
The husband replied, "They had eggs."
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Deaf Wife
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea bout her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph,... for the f**kin' FIFTH time,... CHICKEN!"
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A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I am sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother.
''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''
His mother smiling said to him,
''Do not worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You are not his son.
-----------------------------
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other ******* using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another *******?"
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A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor.
After a few visits and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
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Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE BL**DY PRICE"
------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
--------------------------------
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
" It's okay" he says "'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own fares."
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A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.
But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then
reminds gain that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish...
"Id like to give birth to twins".
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Flowers
I'm not the easiest guy in the world to get along with. So when our anniversary rolled around, I wanted my wife to know how much I appreciated her tolerating me for the past 20 years. I ordered flowers and told the florist to enclose a card that read, 'Thanks for putting up with me so long.'
When my wife got the delivery, she called me at work.
"Just where do you think you going?" she asked.
"What do you mean?" I said.
She read the card aloud as the florist had written it:
"Thanks for putting up with me. So long."
------
Dreams
After she woke up, a woman told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?"
"You'll know tonight." he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled, "The meaning of dreams."
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Wedding Anniversary
At St. Peter's Catholic Church in Toronto , they have weekly husband's marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who said he was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.
Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'
The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!
Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?
'
Giuseppe proudly replied, " I gonna go pick her up."
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Ann Summers
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.
He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - I'll do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow, get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says; 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
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Unfaithful
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the "other man".
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90's and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be sophisticated and business-like manner.
He sent the following e-mail to his wife's lover:
Sir,
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The "other man" was highly amused by the husband's formal manner and sent off the following reply at once:
Dear Sir,
I have received a copy of your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your Office's auditorium.
-----------------
Selective Hearing
What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon, you and I need to clean up, Your stuff is lying on the floor and you'll have no clothes to wear, if we don't do laundry right now!"
What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW
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Trading Places
A man was sick and tired of going to work every day while his wife stayed home. He wanted her to see what he went through so he prayed: "Dear Lord: I go to work every day and put in 8 hours while my wife merely stays at home. I want her to know what I go through. So please allow her body to switch with mine for a day."
God, in his infinite wisdom granted the man's wish. The next morning sure enough, the man awoke as a woman.
He arose and cooked breakfast for his mate, awakened the kids, set out their school clothes, fed them breakfast, packed their lunches, drove them to school, came home and picked up the dry cleaning, took it to the cleaners and stopped at the bank to make a deposit, Next he went grocery shopping, then drove home to put away the groceries, paid the bills and balanced the check book.
He cleaned the cat's litter box and bathed the dog. By then it was already 1 P.M. and he hurried to make the beds, do the laundry, vacuum, dust and sweep and mop the kitchen floor. He ran to the school to pick up the kids and got into an argument with them on the way home. He set out milk and cookies and got the kids organized to do their homework, then set up the ironing board and watched TV while he did the ironing.
At 4:30 he began peeling potatoes and washing vegetables for salad, breaded the pork chops and snapped fresh beans for supper. After supper he cleaned the kitchen, ran the dishwasher, folded laundry, bathed the kids, and put them to bed.
At 9 P.M. He was exhausted and though his daily chores weren't finished he went to bed where he was expected to make love, which he managed to get through without complaint.
The next morning he awoke and immediately knelt by the bed and said: "Lord, I don't know what I was thinking. I was so wrong to envy my wife's being able to stay home all day. Please, Oh! Please, let us trade back.. Amen!"
The Lord in his infinite wisdom, replied: "My son, I feel you have learned your lesson and I will be happy to change things back to the way they were. But you'll have to wait nine months. You got pregnant last night"
-----------
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
--
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have ***?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
--
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
--
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer... Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
--
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
--
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
--
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a set of bathroom scales.
--
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's Licence to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
--
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
--
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
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Catching Up
Two female friends are catching up: - So, how was your evening last night? - A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later. And you?
Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful...
Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"... So, how was your evening last night? - Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.
You? - A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf.
When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out. The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fuse-box, so when my better half arrived, I took her out. It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earful... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home. Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these ******* candles to avoid knocking everything down. I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get a hard on, and another one to come. In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about **** knows what!
---------------
My wife told me to go to the doctors and get some of those tablets that 'help' you get an erection.
You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!
I'm still looking for a place to live.
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Attention
To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.
"C'mon, Honey. Really, Honey. Honey!" A real man will just sit there and wait for you to step aside. If you don't, eventually he'll say,
"What? All right, what? I'm sitting here, okay? I'm listening!"
Another way to get his attention is to fool around with his stereo equipment. Or mess around with the car. Adjusting the timing chain is a good one. If he has a tool pegboard, remove a tool and hide it somewhere special. Within a day he'll notice that it's gone and come right to you. Be prepared though, He will be cranky.
More attention getters: scratch the paint on his car, throw out his favorite sweatshirt, or punch him in the stomach when he's not looking. His expression alone will be priceless.
Tim Allen
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Shopping Mall
A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewelry shop where you saw the diamond necklace and totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one day'?"
Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes I remember that, my love."
Husband, "Well, I'm in the pub next to that shop."
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This is what marriage is really all about
He ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.
He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine - They were used to sharing everything.
The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.
Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."
As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked "What is it you are waiting for?"
She answered "THE TEETH"
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Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the
other is a husband.
-------------------
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
"Careful," he said,
"CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are
we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them!
Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"
The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you?
You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"
The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
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Logic
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy
a carton of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6."
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why on Earth did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
The husband replied, "They had eggs."
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Deaf Wife
A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea bout her hearing loss.
Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking ask her a question and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.."
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?"
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph,... for the f**kin' FIFTH time,... CHICKEN!"
---------------------------
A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married.
His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood.
With a sad face the old man said to his son, ''I am sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother.''
The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.
So he decides to go to his mother.
''Mom I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you.''
His mother smiling said to him,
''Do not worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You are not his son.
-----------------------------
As I serviced an alarm system at a jewelry store recently, the saleswoman let me know that the store was having a 20 percent off sale.
"I bet your girlfriend would love it if you bought her something." she suggested.
"I don't have a girlfriend," I answered.
"No girlfriend? Why not?"
"My wife won't let me."
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The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning. I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."
"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.
"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other ******* using my stuff."
She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another *******?"
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A couple was having some trouble, so they did the right thing and went to a marriage counselor.
After a few visits and a lot of questioning and listening, the counselor said that he had discovered the main problem. He stood up, went over to the woman, asked her to stand, and gave her a hug. He looked at the man and said, "This is what your wife needs at least once a day!"
The man frowned, thought for a moment, then said, "Ok, what time do you want me to bring her back tomorrow?"
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Husband and wife are shopping in Tesco's when the man picks up a crate of Stella and sticks them into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife "They're on offer, only £10 for 24 cans", he says
"Put them back. We can't afford it," says the wife and they carry on shopping...
A few aisles later the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it into the trolley
"What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
The man replies... "SO DOES 24 CANS OF STELLA AND IT'S HALF THE BL**DY PRICE"
------------------------------
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said,
"Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him; it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs. Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.
--------------------------------
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is long enough."
"Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her."
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like hell they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this."
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.
" It's okay" he says "'they're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own fares."
----------------------------------------
A recently divorced woman is walking along the beach contemplating how badly screwed she got over the divorce settlement, when she spies a magic lamp washing up onshore.
She rubs the lamp, and out pops a magical genie!!
The genie notices her anger and lets her vent her troubles to him. As a consolation, the genie informs that he will give her three wishes.
But, he cautions her that because he does not believe in divorce, he will give herex-husband ten times the amount of whatever she wishes.
The woman is steaming mad, thinking that this is hardly fair, but she makes her first wish. The first wish was for a billion dollars. The genie grants her wish and she finds herself sitting in pile of one
billion one-dollar bills. The genie then reminds her that her husband is now the recipient of 10 billion dollars.
The woman can barely contain her anger when she makes her second wish.
The second wish was for a beautiful mansion on the shore of her own private beach. In an instant it was granted, but the genie then
reminds gain that her ex-husband now owns ten of what she wished for, and points own the beach to a small development of ten such mansions.
Upon hearing this, the woman takes her time to contemplate her last wish. Just as the genie was about to give up on her, the woman informs the genie that she wants to make the last wish. But, before she can do this, thegenie again warns her that her ex-husband will get ten times what she wishes for.
No problem, said the woman as she grinned in ecstasy. For my last wish...
"Id like to give birth to twins".
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