Joke Thread III

[woodhutt]

^^^Thank God I prefer Costa's!!

What a shame! You missed all the action. I'll see if I can dig out the photos.

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke kicks open the door to the pub and walks in waving a handgun.
The place falls silent as he glares around the room and says, 'This is a Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!'
The place was silent, then a small voice at the back called out. 'You're going to need more ammunition.'

 

[Doug B]

 

[Amateur]

Mrs O'Reilly went to see her doctor and asked him if he could do anything for her husband who no longer had a sex drive.
'Have you tried Viagra?' the Doctor asked.
'He won't swallow pills, Doctor,' she said.
'Well, you're in luck,' says the Doctor. 'They've just developed Viagra in liquid form. Here's a bottle, stick a dose his coffee and he won't even know it's there.'
She goes off but returns in a few days. Her neck is covered in love bites and she's looking very distressed. 'I can't use this again, Doctor,' she said handing back the Viagra.
'Didn't it work?' asks the Doc.
'Oh yes,' she said. 'I put it in his coffee like you said and within seconds he became a raging bull. He ripped me clothes off, threw me on the table and ravished me for two hours.'
'You didn't like it?' asks the Doc.
'Oh yes. it was the best sex we've had in 25 years but I'll never be able to hold me head up in Starbucks again.'

Just Like.....
The wife telling friends we had sex over the freezer and that she was embarrassed.
Why? They asked.
We were in Iceland at the time.

Im considering taking you to court for plagiarism like
Edd Sheeran.

 

[Amateur]

^^^Thank God I prefer Costa's!!

Agree.
This time of year they are far warmer than sitting in a deck chair on Blackpool front.

 

[Doug B]

 

[Ozi]

View attachment 158008

ever seen a Kiwi egg

 

[Cozzer]

I tried shoplifting for the first time the other day but I'm rubbish at it.
I lifted a pack of spaghetti but the female security guard spotted me.
She blocked my escape route and made me put the spaghetti back.





I just couldn't get pasta.

 

[Robbo3]

Real Men adverts

 

[bushwhaker]

 

[John Brown]

View attachment 157990

Where in the world would that happen? Unless you'd walked into a vegan restaurant, in which case it'd be totally your fault.
I'm a fully paid up carnivore, BTW.

 

[Pedronicus]

 

[kinverkid]

 

[Concizat]

Where in the world would that happen? Unless you'd walked into a vegan restaurant, in which case it'd be totally your fault.
I'm a fully paid up carnivore, BTW.

I consider myself to be nearly vegan. I only eat animals that eat grass. Won't touch a tiger or a lion.

 

[Tris]

Day one of the current job and a bloke walked up, first thing he said was 'you're not a ruddy vegan are you?'
'some of my favourite foods are vegetarian' was the reply.

 

[treeturner123]

I consider myself to be nearly vegan. I only eat animals that eat grass. Won't touch a tiger or a lion.

So no Pork either then as they eat anything!!

 

[Stan]

So no Pork either then as they eat anything!!

Or goat! About the only things they don't eat are rocks and metal.

 

[dzj]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Cozzer]

I bought a deep fat frier off Ebay last week.
The description stated, 'Brand new deep fat frier, unwanted gift, never used'
I had to send it back.


It had a chip in it.