Joke Thread II
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Doug B
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Doug B
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On the the first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow, "You will go into the fields with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun and provide food and drink for his family. In return I will give you a life span of 50 years." The cow objected, "What? You want me to live a life as hard as that for 50 years ? Let me have 20 years, and I'll give 30 years back to you." So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog and said to him "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anybody who comes near. You’ll have a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? 20 years sitting by the door and barking ? No way! I’ll do it for 10 and give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "You’re here to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you a 20 year life span." The monkey objected. " 20 years of making them laugh and doing monkey faces and tricks? Let me do it for 10 years and take the other 10 years back." So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "You will eat, sleep, and play, and have a great life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing, and I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life, eating, sleeping, playing, and doing nothing? And I only get 20 years? Why don't we make a deal? The cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, and the monkey gave you back 10 years, why not give them to me and make my life span 70 years?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long to feed our family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in a chair and bark at people.
On the second day, God created the dog and said to him "What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anybody who comes near. You’ll have a life span of 20 years." The dog objected, "What? 20 years sitting by the door and barking ? No way! I’ll do it for 10 and give you back my other 10 years of life!" So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, "You’re here to entertain people. You've got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. I'll give you a 20 year life span." The monkey objected. " 20 years of making them laugh and doing monkey faces and tricks? Let me do it for 10 years and take the other 10 years back." So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, "You will eat, sleep, and play, and have a great life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing, and I'll give you a 20 year life span." The man objected. "What? Such a good life, eating, sleeping, playing, and doing nothing? And I only get 20 years? Why don't we make a deal? The cow gave you back 30 years, the dog gave you back 10 years, and the monkey gave you back 10 years, why not give them to me and make my life span 70 years?" So God agreed.
AND THAT'S WHY.... In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long to feed our family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in a chair and bark at people.
Serendipity Gunge
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From sharpening thread.
There are ten types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
There are ten types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
niemeyjt
Established Member
Isn't that - There are 10 types of people in the world. Those that understand binary, and those who don't.
stuart little
Established Member
Thanks for the translation - apart from tea & hot chocolate & being a blackcoffee drinker - I always wondered what them thar others were!
& one for luck= 
Ha!Ha!flying haggis
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treeturner123
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In my industry, Surveying, there are 3 types of Quantity Surveyors, those that can count and those that can't
Phil
RobinBHM
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the 1922 committee have announced their rules for choosing a new leader
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
user 38384
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Punchline obscured so it's not seen by accident.
2 AM. The telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Joe? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house in Palm Desert.”
“Yes Ernesto, I know who you are, what the hell are you doing calling me at this time? It’s 2AM here.”
“Yes, I’m sorry señor, I’m calling to tell you that your parrot, he is dead.”
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
"Si, señor, that's the one.”
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?”
"From eating the rotten meat, señor.”
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
"Nobody, señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
"Dead horse? What dead horse?”
"Your horse, Señor Joe.”
"My horse is dead? How did he die?”
"Yes, Señor Joe , we think he died from exhaustion from all that work pulling the water cart.”
"Pulling a water cart? He was a thoroughbred Arab stallion and you had him pull a water cart? Are you insane? What water cart?”
"The one we needed to put out the fire, señor.”
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
"The one at your house, señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
"Si, señor.”
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
"For the funeral, señor.”
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
"Your wife's, Señor Joe, Señora Johanna.
"My wife is dead ? How did she die? Did you have her jumping fences?"
"She came home very late one night and I thought she was a burglar, so I hit her with a golf club. Your new Honma Beres driver had just arrived, and it was on the hall table, so I picked it up and hit her with it. I’m sorry, señor.
SILENCE………..
LONG SILENCE………
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
2 AM. The telephone rings,
"Hello, Señor Joe? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house in Palm Desert.”
“Yes Ernesto, I know who you are, what the hell are you doing calling me at this time? It’s 2AM here.”
“Yes, I’m sorry señor, I’m calling to tell you that your parrot, he is dead.”
"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
"Si, señor, that's the one.”
"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird.
What did he die from?”
"From eating the rotten meat, señor.”
"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
"Nobody, señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
"Dead horse? What dead horse?”
"Your horse, Señor Joe.”
"My horse is dead? How did he die?”
"Yes, Señor Joe , we think he died from exhaustion from all that work pulling the water cart.”
"Pulling a water cart? He was a thoroughbred Arab stallion and you had him pull a water cart? Are you insane? What water cart?”
"The one we needed to put out the fire, señor.”
"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
"The one at your house, señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?”
"Si, señor.”
"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?”
"For the funeral, señor.”
"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!”
"Your wife's, Señor Joe, Señora Johanna.
"My wife is dead ? How did she die? Did you have her jumping fences?"
"She came home very late one night and I thought she was a burglar, so I hit her with a golf club. Your new Honma Beres driver had just arrived, and it was on the hall table, so I picked it up and hit her with it. I’m sorry, señor.
SILENCE………..
LONG SILENCE………
VERY LONG SILENCE…………
"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep s***
NEWS JUST IN.
Moscow state University still have a number of degree course places for the Autumn term for students to train as Army Generals if anyone is interested.
Overseas students now being considered for interview.
END OF NEWS BULLETIN.
Moscow state University still have a number of degree course places for the Autumn term for students to train as Army Generals if anyone is interested.
Overseas students now being considered for interview.
END OF NEWS BULLETIN.
Yorkieguy
Established Member
Yorkieguy
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Serendipity Gunge
Member
Try and make that distinction when you tell them down the pub!
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