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Digit

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Though trained as an engineer, over the years I have worn a number of different hats, but now, as I approach my three score and ten I have been asked to face the most difficult task of my life.
I have been approached by a local prostate cancer charity with a view to acting as a councillor for men at the stage of early diagnosis.
Obviously one task would be to help boost their confidence, but what else would you look for in a councillor?

Roy.
 
sometimes a personal view of 'what to expect', empathy with feelings of mortality.
Sometimes the 'i've been there before you' can really help, other times it can seem like you're being judged so impartiality is vital.
Mostly hope - that there is an end to the tunnel, and the light will be there

jim
 
Mostly hope - that there is an end to the tunnel, and the light will be there

Which presumably is why I have been asked. My problem is that I'm scared stiff of screwing up!

Roy.
 
blurk99":2lrb4qu4 said:
sometimes a personal view of 'what to expect', empathy with feelings of mortality.

Mostly hope - that there is an end to the tunnel, and the light will be there

jim

a good sense of humour is important when dealing with men, take Blurk99 with you-and his 'mag-lite' :D
 
Going by the laughs at the last charity meeting there's nothing wrong with my sense of humour! :lol:
Hopefully.

Roy.
 
Digit":x78ph4s7 said:
Mostly hope - that there is an end to the tunnel, and the light will be there

Which presumably is why I have been asked. My problem is that I'm scared stiff of screwing up!

Roy.


Digit, being anxious is a good place to start...its makes you aware and sensitive to whatever is coming your way. Consider the full word impact of being MINDFULL.

These things might have been covered already but I suggest you consider the following:-

1) Empathy. Both for the effects of the disease and for the ways in which humans react
2) Integrity. Whatever they tell you you can not under any circumstances tell anyone else.
3) Humility. The discussions you will be having will be from the heart and very difficult for the coachee. It would be a great honour to be so involved
4) Trust. Both ways. Absolutely
5) Distance. Enough to stay "professional" but still help and enough so that you become involved in "carrying" the load for the coachee
6) Foresight. Where will the coachee be in a few months, 6m,12m, 5 yrs and how will they feel, how will they envision there changed position re the disease
7) Ethical.

There I've goner and got involved, again, damn it.

best regards
Alan
 
sense of humour about illness can be tricky, but as sessions go along you'll get to know the character sat with you and you'll know where the limits are. Nervousness though can transmit, and many nervous people try to diffuse the situation with humour...

does the charity offer you some kind of counsellors training? how about checking out that before you give them a 'yes' or 'no' - try calling your local hospital and seeing if you can have a half hour chat with one of the specialist nurses?

most importantly address you concerns with the organiser - they may have come across this in the past

jim
 
A careing nature/heart, a sense of humour, and never ever be a doom and f-ing gloom merchant.

Sorry for that last bit but although I did not have prostate cancer (stomach which spread to the spine) the councillor that came to see me was an arsehole who was preparing me for death. All right he never said so in so many words, but talking about making a will, what my wife can and cannot claim if the worst happened was not the sort of rubbish I wanted to hear.

If I was coming to see you Roy, whether it's realistic or not I would want you to have the answer to all my questions. Again maybe unrealistic and it certainly depends on your home life, but there were times when I was so scared that I needed to speak to someone who had been through the same as me and had had the strength to fight it and come out the other side, so do they have a out of hours line.

Not really very helpful to you, but your question just brought back memories. I am sure that there will be others with more sensible answers. :oops:

Good Luck

Mike
 
It would be a great honour to be so involved
I certainly feel that.
No Jim! I would be the Guinea Pig, having said that I have friends amongst MacMillan nurses and the local Community Nurses so obviously I will be tapping them for advise.

Roy.
 
Sorry for that last bit but although I did not have prostate cancer (stomach which spread to the spine) the councillor that came to see me was an pineapple who was preparing me for death. All right he never said so in so many words, but talking about making a will, what my wife can and cannot claim if the worst happened was not the sort of rubbish I wanted to hear.

Bloody hell! How did they get the job?
Unfortunately my knowledge of prostate cancer is now considerable, one thing I'm determined on, if the NHS does take the charity up on this, and they have been positive thus far, is that I will will pass my E-mail address over. The small hours of the morning can be difficult as you will know.
I was counselled by a MacMillan nurse who was a wonderful help, but they are limited in numbers, and being female may not be as welcome as a male who has had the disease. This is the feeling of the charity at least and thus is only recruiting men who have been through it.

Roy.
 
Digit":3raazhdk said:
Sorry for that last bit but although I did not have prostate cancer (stomach which spread to the spine) the councillor that came to see me was an pineapple who was preparing me for death. All right he never said so in so many words, but talking about making a will, what my wife can and cannot claim if the worst happened was not the sort of rubbish I wanted to hear.

Bloody hell! How did they get the job?
Unfortunately my knowledge of prostate cancer is now considerable, one thing I'm determined on, if the NHS does take the charity up on this, and they have been positive thus far, is that I will will pass my E-mail address over. The small hours of the morning can be difficult as you will know.
I was counselled by a MacMillan nurse who was a wonderful help, but they are limited in numbers, and being female may not be as welcome as a male who has had the disease. This is the feeling of the charity at least and thus is only recruiting men who have been through it.

Roy.
My P.A had cancer of the breast last year and its unfotunately true that some councillors are worse than bloody useless - she too encountered the "your doomed i say doomed" aproach to councilling and told them where it would best fit !

Meanwhile in the office I (and the rest of my team) gave her as much support as we could (including a new councilor via our ocupational health) and never (publicly) entertained anything other than a positive outcome - she has just been given the all clear.

That said there isnt a one size fits all methodology , for example if someone is terminal, the never say die approach probably isnt the best fit , so I agree that the charity should provide you with training - and also with emotional support for you as dealing with other sufferers, not all of whom will have a postive outcome is going to involve a degree of stress for you.

(i'd also suggest that you set up a new email address just for this , and be careful with the personally identifiable information - while you need to be close enough to help you do also need to maintain some distance and you may encounter people who you might not wish to know your info. )
 
Digit":rdb4dnb4 said:
No Jim! I would be the Guinea Pig

well, the best you can do is say 'yes' and then if the training / support is not sufficient let them know. It's a very valuable role, unfortunately these sorts of developments in healthcare all require funding from an ever diminishing pot of money, understandably the charities feel the need to step in and provide what is lacking from the PCT's.
Best of luck, and just bear in mind what you would have wanted from a counsellor - did you want a 'friend'? an 'expert'?, an 'impartial observer'? - in your counselling you will meet people who want all of these, you'll have to play many different roles which will help each individual patient in their own way.

jim
 
Digit":vuosggnh said:
Sorry for that last bit but although I did not have prostate cancer (stomach which spread to the spine) the councillor that came to see me was an pineapple who was preparing me for death. All right he never said so in so many words, but talking about making a will, what my wife can and cannot claim if the worst happened was not the sort of rubbish I wanted to hear.

Bloody hell! How did they get the job?
Unfortunately my knowledge of prostate cancer is now considerable, one thing I'm determined on, if the NHS does take the charity up on this, and they have been positive thus far, is that I will will pass my E-mail address over. The small hours of the morning can be difficult as you will know.
I was counselled by a MacMillan nurse who was a wonderful help, but they are limited in numbers, and being female may not be as welcome as a male who has had the disease. This is the feeling of the charity at least and thus is only recruiting men who have been through it.

Roy.

Roy having been through the same yourself, I am sure you will do fine, and seeing as where the prostate is I am equally as sure that anyone with this problem would prefer to speak to a man.

As for how did he get the job I have no idea but I told him that I did not want to see him again. They then sent a lovely woman to see me who had lost her husband to the same illness a few years before. She was the grandmother type and she was just as much help to my wife as me.
She was also there for us when the tumour returned to my spine on all but the last occasion because she had died only a few months before. What a wonderful woman she was.

You will do fine Roy, simply because you seem a caring person, and most of all you know what the man is going through. Sadly although many men have died from this terrible illness, most men do not know very much about it at all. Unlike breast cancer, men's illnesses have only recently been publicised and men made aware of what to watch out for.
Would you believe that there are still men out there that do not know what or where a prostrate is? :shock: Worst still there are also men who think that only women can get breast cancer.

With this in mind we need more men like you to council in all the different types of men's illness's =D>

Good luck

Mike
 
BSM, that all sounds like good advise, many thanks. With luck the charity will find a way of getting me some training, one thing this thread has shown is that there are some pretty useless councellors out there!
Mike, yes the wife/partner needs to be involved, that I know for certain. One point I stressed in an address I made to a group is that there is never just one victim, the family goes through hell!
I will never forget my wife's response when the consultant told us that my tumour had not spread, she punched the air and shouted 'yeeess!' The consultant looked astonished!
The lack of public awareness Mike is shocking, most of the charity's money has been used to publicise what men should know.
Recent figures have shown a 13 percent rise in survival rates, mostly due to men visiting their GPs in time.

Roy.
 
Digit":1dsj6f65 said:
BSM, that all sounds like good advise, many thanks. With luck the charity will find a way of getting me some training, one thing this thread has shown is that there are some pretty useless counsellors out there!
Mike, yes the wife/partner needs to be involved, that I know for certain. One point I stressed in an address I made to a group is that there is never just one victim, the family goes through hell!
I will never forget my wife's response when the consultant told us that my tumour had not spread, she punched the air and shouted 'yeeess!' The consultant looked astonished!
The lack of public awareness Mike is shocking, most of the charity's money has been used to publicise what men should know.
Recent figures have shown a 13 percent rise in survival rates, mostly due to men visiting their GPs in time.

Roy.

I see no reason why he should be astonished. Just think back to the night/day/week before your appointment. How many times did you or your wife say words to the effect "Finger crossed you/I will get the all clear" or "What the hell are we going to do if it has spread?" You know as well as I do the stress you are both/all under until you get the news. It's like the inside of a pressure cooker and when you get good news all that pent up feelings are released and punching the air is one way of letting it go. I'm embarrassed to say that I was so relieved the first time that I cried my eyes out there and then. I was so relieved that the flood gates just opened :oops:

Cheers

Mike
 
I think everybody reacts differently Mike, but one thing I think we all have in common is a change in attitude to how we live, how we judge the important things.
Till I received a good prognosis my unhappiest thoughts were that i would never live to see my, then, few month old grandson crawl, take his first steps. You'll know what I mean.

Roy.
 
Digit":2u6v9h9o said:
I think everybody reacts differently Mike, but one thing I think we all have in common is a change in attitude to how we live, how we judge the important things.
Till I received a good prognosis my unhappiest thoughts were that i would never live to see my, then, few month old grandson crawl, take his first steps. You'll know what I mean.

Roy.

I certainly do know what you mean, and now hopefully when he is old enough you will be able to show him around the workshop and get him intrested in the art of woodworking :D

Although I think I am taking you off topic here :roll:

Cheers

Mike
 
Not really Mike, the insights are all useful, as regards my grandson he's a flaming nuisance!
As soon as he sees me heading for the workshop or with tools in hand it's, 'What you doing grandad?' :lol:

Roy.
 
Digit":3ehdyaph said:
Not really Mike, the insights are all useful, as regards my grandson he's a flaming nuisance!
As soon as he sees me heading for the workshop or with tools in hand it's, 'What you doing grandad?' :lol:

Roy.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: You know you love it, and what would life be like without him now :lol:

Cheers

Mike
 

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