Another Joke

[Cordy]

Ring ring --Ring ring

"Hello, Jeremy Corbyn"

"Jeremy, it's me, Diane Abbott -- I'm in Scotland -- Where is Loch Down ?"

 

[Droogs]

A priest, a rabbit and an imam walk into a blood bank. The rabbit turns round and says " I think I'm a typo"

 

[gwaithcoed]

Bought my wife the latest face mask. told her she had to wear it throughout the lock down as ordered by HMG. She said "I'm not wearing that it looks like a gag" Damm I didn't think she'd notice.

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Robbo3]

I said to the wife, "Pass me the newspaper please."
"Don't be silly," she said. "Here, use my iPad."
That spider never knew what hit it.

 

[woodhutt]

Two Aussies decide to break lock-down and go for a walk. They haven't gone a couple of k's when one of them collapses and his mate rings the emergency services.
Dispatcher: "Where are you, sir?"
Aussie: "We're in Eucalyptus Street."
D: "Sorry sir, this is a bad line. Could you spell that for me, please?"
A: "Crikey! Hang on a mo..."
Dispatcher hears lots of puffing and panting then finally...
Aussie: "You there? Sorry about that. I've just dragged him round the corner into Oak Street."

 

[woodhutt]

Scene: The billiard room in the Officer's Mess of a remote African station in the days of Empire. The Colonel is playing billiards with his aide-de-camp.

ADC: "Have you heard about young Farquaharson?"

Col. (eyeing up a pot) "Farquaharson? Farquaharson? Ah! You mean young Freddie Farquaharson of the Fighting Forty Fourth?"

ADC: "That's the chap."

Col. "What about him?"

ADC: "Apparently he's gorn native."

Col. "Young Farquaharson! Gorn native! What do you mean?"

ADC: "Rumour has it he's living in the jungle, naked up a tree with a gorilla."

Col. "Good grief! Young Farquaharson naked up a tree with a gorilla! Is it... is it a male or a female gorilla."

ADC: "Oh female. There's nothing odd about young Farquaharson."

Pete :shock:

 

[lurker]

A lorry crashed on the motorway carrying a load of Vicks vaporub.
Apparently there was no congestion for eight hours

 

[woodhutt]

A bloke walks into a pub and orders a pint and a chicken sandwich.
The barman, who is dressed in a pristine white coat, pulls on a pair of rubber gloves, takes a sparkling glass off the rack and pours the pint. Then he goes to the sandwich servery and unwraps a new plate from a cellophane wrapper and picking up a pair of st. steel tongs, places the sandwich on the plate and puts it on the counter before removing the gloves.
The bloke is amazed. "I'm amazed!" he said (See? I told you he was amazed).
The barman explains that the manager is a hygiene fanatic.
"That must make it difficult for you, "says the customer. "You know - if you need to take a leak for instance."
"Not at all," says the barman and points to a piece of string hanging out of his top pocket. "See this string? It's attached to my fly zip. All I do is tug on this and down goes the zip. A quick wriggle of the hips and out he pops. No need to touch him."
"Hang on," says the customer. "How do you get him back in?"
"Well," says the barman. "See these st. steel tongs...?"
Pete

 

[Bm101]

I suffered a horrific attack by vampire the other night. And. To make things worse he was French.
In the end I resorted to defending myself by grabbing a stale baguette from the counter and managed to pierce his heart.
It sounds easy enough but was actually painstaking.

 

[AES]

Owwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! (Lovely one)

 

[Cordy]

If you're planning to split up with your missus....

make sure her bags are packed and the taxi is booked for 8pm on a Thursday

so it looks like the whole street is glad to see the back of her!

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Trainee neophyte]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[gwaithcoed]

Or maybe the day after. Love it
Alan

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Droogs]

That is the funniest thing I've read in a very long time. Thinking of my visit to the Ufizi will never be the same

 

[flying haggis]