Another Joke

[Cordy]

Bob, I'm sorry and riddled with guilt and have to confess.

I have been helping myself to your wife when you are not around - probably more than you.

I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again


Feeling outraged and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun; goes into the bedroom and without a word shoots his wife.

Moments later gets a second text.

'Really should use spell check..... That should read WiFi'

 

[Jonzjob]

Good luck with the boss NEVER seeing this !!

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I have a friend whose son in law has the same surname - my friend's brother is married to his son in law's sister. Imagine the fun deciding what relation anyone is to whom there. :? (and my friend, his father, and his son have the same forename.)

 

[Robbo3]

Judy got married and had 13 children. Her first husband Ted died of cancer.

She married again, and with Bob she had 7 more children. Bob was killed in a car accident 12 years later.

Judy again remarried,.... and this time she and John had 5 more children. Judy finally died, after having 25 children.

Standing before her coffin the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret: "Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied:...."I think he means her legs, Ethel..."

 

[Cordy]

The managing director of Dulux paints has died of hypothermia while trecking across the Antartic.

Paramedics say he could have done with another coat.

 

[Bm101]

 

[Robbo3]

Only in North America

Only in North America...
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in North America...
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in North America...
do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in North America...
do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in North America...
do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...

Only in North America...
do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in North America...
do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

Only in North America...
do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well:
"Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"...

 

[Robbo3]

Schnauzer

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

 

[finneyb]

Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS........
BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.

 

[AES]

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, that HURT!

But I still laughed. Sad aren't I?

 

[Bm101]

You know. We all like a joke but sometimes it's important to remember that what is funny for us might offend someone else and so I take this small opportunity to remind us all to be wary of offending others with a joke.
I'm all for a joke generally but learnt to my cost today day how a little sensitivity could help.
I don't want to put a downer on anyone. So, apologies for bringing the mood down but maybe it needs saying in case anyones feelings get hurt and thought I should share.

I was out with some friends this afternoon having a drink. Their other friends were there who I met for the first time. Trying to break the ice I started to tell a joke or two. Most went well and when people laughed maybe I got carried away and let my guard down?
Either way I slipped a joke in that maybe I should have avoided. My fault I got carried away.
The joke was 'What do you do if you see an epileptic having a fit in the bath?'

'Throw your washing in.'

Well God, anyway this one fella pretty much roars and outright attacks me! I manage to hold him off thank goodness and when everything calms down I get the chance to talk to this guy and I say why so angry?! Jesus! I apologise I'm SO sorry I offended you!

It turns out his younger brother who tragically died was epileptic and tragically died while fitting in the bath.
I had no idea what to say to be honest.
What can you really say? It's heartbreaking!
'I'm so sorry' I say.
'Did he drown?'
'No. He chocked on a sock.'

 

[finneyb]

Who said men can only do one thing at a time !!!

 

[DTR]

You know. We all like a joke but........

Pipper's sake Chris, you got me hook line and sinker :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Robbo3]

Jesus Knows

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

 

[whiskywill]

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours."
The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy leaves.

The barber who is intrigued by this time, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"

Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house!"

 

[Robbo3]

Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

 

[Phil Pascoe]

There was a report a few weeks ago of a parrot that had gone awol- after a few days it perched on someone's roof long enough for a fireman to get to it, whereupon it told the fireman to f*** off and flew away.

 

[Bm101]

Reformed Parrot

"May I ask what the turkey did?"

=D>

 

[flying haggis]

Man goes to the Doctors as he cant “perform in the bedroom”

Doctor says “ I have this new drug, but it only works three times”

Man says “I will try it”

Doctor gives him the injection and says to the man,” to make it work say Whoo Hoo” so the man does and up it pops! Doc then says “to get it back down say Schh Schh”

Man says Schh Schh and down it flops!

“That it great Doc, Thanks” and the man heads home.

He walks past the station just as a train leaves sounding its horn “Whoo Hoo”

“Oh Hell “ says the man “Schh Schh” and back to normal.

When he gets home he goes straight to the bedroom and strips off. When his wife comes into the room, He says Are you ready for this? Whoo Hoo” and again up it pops!

Wife looks at him and says “schh Schh, you will wake the children!”…………………..

 

[Robbo3]

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met the animal at the Pearly Gates and said, “You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking.”
The cat thought for a moment and then said, “All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard, wooden floors… I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on.” God said, “Say no more.” Instantly, the cat had a HUGE fluffy pillow.

A few days later, 12 mice were simultaneously killed in an accident and they all went up to Heaven together. God met the mice at the Gates of Heaven, with the exact same offer that He made to the cat.
The mice said, “Well, we have had to run all of our lives… from cats, dogs, and even from people with brooms. If we could just have some little roller-skates, we would never have to run again.” God answered, “It is done.” All the mice had beautiful little roller-skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat… He found her sound asleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, “Is everything okay? How have you been doing? Are you happy?”

The cat replied, “Oh, everything is just WONDERFUL… I’ve never been so happy in my life! My pillow is always fluffy and those little “Meals-on-Wheels” that You have been sending over are delicious!!