woodbloke
Established Member
...Nelson was starting to come under fire from the French - Rob
208 years ago, about now...
- Thread starter woodbloke
- Start date
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StevieB
Established Member
If Nelson’s navy had been subject to today’s regulatory environment, would the Battle of Trafalgar have proceeded more like this?
“Order the signal, Hardy.”
“Aye aye sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”
“Sorry sir?”
“England expects every person to do their duty – regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What sort of gobbledygook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
“In that case break open the rum rations. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
“That won’t be possible sir,”
”What?”
”Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness. And they say the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
”Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
”He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’castle Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently-abled.”
”Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to have the word mentioned. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
“Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
”Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there too sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
"I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny.”
”It’s not that sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
”Actually sir, we’re not.”
“We’re not?”
”No sir. The Frenchies and the Spaniards are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit for a claim for compensation.”
”But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
”Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s the rules.”
”Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy?”
“I believe it’s to be encouraged sir.”
“In that case, kiss me Hardy.”
“Order the signal, Hardy.”
“Aye aye sir.”
“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”
“Sorry sir?”
“England expects every person to do their duty – regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What sort of gobbledygook is this?”
“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”
“Gadzooks Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”
“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”
“In that case break open the rum rations. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”
“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”
“Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”
“I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”
“Damn it man! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”
“That won’t be possible sir,”
”What?”
”Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness. And they say the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”
”Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”
”He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’castle Admiral.”
“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”
“Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently-abled.”
”Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to have the word mentioned. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”
“Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”
”Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”
“A couple of problems there too sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”
"I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”
“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”
“What? This is mutiny.”
”It’s not that sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”
“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”
”Actually sir, we’re not.”
“We’re not?”
”No sir. The Frenchies and the Spaniards are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit for a claim for compensation.”
”But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”
“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”
“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”
”Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s the rules.”
”Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”
“As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”
“What about sodomy?”
“I believe it’s to be encouraged sir.”
“In that case, kiss me Hardy.”
Paul Chapman
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:lol: :lol:
woodbloke
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Excellent :lol: :lol: - Rob
Woodmagnet
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:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
BradNaylor
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Absolutely brilliant, Stevie!
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
Most impressively, you seem to have knocked that post up in 18 minutes max!
I'm in awe.
Cheers
Dan
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D>
Most impressively, you seem to have knocked that post up in 18 minutes max!
I'm in awe.
Cheers
Dan
Lincolnshirebodger
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woodbloke":1bznursz said:
And presumable fired back.
We should make it an annual event............
I would tell you all what I think of the French, but the forum text filter removes it all except the phrase 'surrender monkeys'.............
GrahamH
Established Member
Should we make it a public holiday so we can properly celebrate it properly?
I might be slightly biased as it's also my birthday
I might be slightly biased as it's also my birthday
woodbloke
Established Member
Lincolnshirebodger":2e035xrq said:
No. As the British fleet sailed directly towards the French line they came under fire for about 30-50 minutes and couldn't fire back. It' was only when the RN broke the French line and got in amongst them that the carnage began - Rob
Lincolnshirebodger
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woodbloke":1i10rj6o said:
Try googling 'French Military Victories'............
you''ll get
I mean, lets face it, 'French military victory' is an oxymoron.
Allow me to illustrate:
DEFEAT 295 B.C. Battle of Sentinum - 295 B.C.
The Gauls and Samniums under Egnatius are defeated by Decius Mus and Fabius Maximus Rullianus of the Roman Republic.
DEFEAT 224 B.C. Battle of Telamon - 224 B.C.
The out-numbered Gauls led by Concolitanus and Aneorestus are defeated by Atiliua Regulus and Aemilius Papus of the Roman Republic.
DEFEAT 1119 Battle of Bremule - 1119
Louis VI of France and his invasion force is defeated by Henry I of England.
DEFEAT 1198 Battle of Gisors - September 27, 1198
Richard I of England is victorious over Philip Augustus of France.
DEFEAT 1213 Battle of Damme - May 30-31, 1213
In a preemptive strike, King John of England sends William de Longespee to attack the harbor of Damme, finding only light resistance, whilst King Philip II of France and his army is away in Flanders.
DEFEAT 1217 Battle of Lincoln - May 20, 1217
Louis VIII of France is beaten by King Henry III of England.
DEFEAT 1340 Battle of Sluys - June 24, 1340
The English, led by Edward III of England, are victorious over the French, led by Hugues Quieret and Nicolas Behuchet.
DEFEAT 1345 Battle of Auberoche - October 21, 1345
The French led by Louis of Poiters are defeated by the English led by Henry, the Earl of Derby.
DEFEAT 1346 Battle of Saint-Pol-de-Leon - June 9, 1346
The House of Blois allied with France (Charles of Blois) are defeated by the House of Montfort allied with England (Sir Thomas Dagworth).
DEFEAT 1346 Battle of Caen - July 26, 1346
The French and Raoul II of Brienne lose Caen to the British and Edward III of England.
DEFEAT 1346 Battle of Blanchetaque - August 24, 1346
The French and Gudemar du Foy fail to stop the English river crossing of the Somme led by Edward III.
DEFEAT 1346 Battle of Crecy - August 26, 1346
Philip VI of France falls to Edward III of England.
DEFEAT 1347 The Siege of Calais - September 4, 1346 - August 3, 1347
The French and Jean de Fosseux surrender after nearly a year-long seige by Edward III and the English.
DEFEAT 1347 Battle of La Roche-Derrien - 1347
The French and Duke Charles of Blois are defeated by the English and Sir Thomas Dagworth.
DRAW 1349 Battle of Lunalonge - 1349
French forces force the withdrawal of the combined Anglo-Gascons.
DEFEAT 1352 Battle of Mauron - 1352
The French come up losers as a combined Anglo-Breton force earns the victory.
DEFEAT 1356 Battle of Poitiers - September 19, 1356
John II of France is thoroughly beaten by Edward, the Black Prince of England.
DEFEAT 1364 Battle of Auray - September 29, 1364
Charles of Blois falls to Sir John Chandos of England and John de Montfort of France.
DEFEAT 1367 Battle of Najera - April 3, 1367
Pedro the Cruel and his English allies are victorious over brother Henry of Trastamara and his French allies.
DEFEAT 1396 Battle of Nicopolis - September 25, 1396
The French Crusaders fall to the Ottoman Turks near Nicopolis.
DEFEAT 1415 Battle of Agincourt - October 25, 1415
Jean Le Maingre and Charles d'Albret fall to Henry V of England in what would become a massacre of their men-at-arms knights.
DEFEAT 1419 Siege of Rouen - July 1418-January 1419
The city of Rouen and Guy le Bouteiller fall to the English siege.
DEFEAT 1421 Siege of Meaux - March 21, 1421
The city of Meaux falls to the English.
DEFEAT 1423 Battle of Cravant - July 31, 1423
Comte de Vendome of France falls to Thomas Montacute of England in a renewel of English-Franco hostilities.
DEFEAT 1424 Battle of Verneuil - August 17, 1424
England and John, the Duke of Bedford, is victorious over a combined Franco-Scotish force led by Viscount Aumale.
DEFEAT 1444 Battle of St. Jakob an der Birs - August 26, 1444
French forces are forced to retreat at the hands of the determined Swiss Pikemen.
DEFEAT 1708 Battle of Oudenarde - July 11, 1708
The Duke of Burgundy and the Duc de Vendome fall to the coalition of nations between Britain, the Netherlands and the Holy Roman Empire.
DEFEAT 1743 Battle of Dettingen - June 16th, 1743
As the War of Austrian Succession, an alliance of British, Hanover and Hesse forces defeat the French Army.
DEFEAT 1759 Battle of the Plains of Abraham - September 12-13, 1759
French General Louis-Joseph, Marquis de Montcalm leads his New French militia to defeat at the hands of the British led by General James Wolfe outside of Quebec City in what is today Canada. Both generals are mortally wounded in the fray. The defeat signals the beginning for the end for French control in North America.
DEFEAT 1799 Battle of Trebia - June 19, 1799
French General Macdonald loses to the Russians led by General Suvorov.
DEFEAT 1799 Battle of Novi - August 15, 1799
General Barthelemy Catherine Joubert loses to the combined forces of Austria and Russia led by Fieldmarshal Alexander Suvorov.
DEFEAT 1803 Haitian Independence - November 1803
Napoleon Bonaparte's army, led by Charles LeClerc is defeated by the Haitian indigenous army, led by Dessalines.
DEFEAT 1805 Battle of Trafalgar - October 21, 1805
Pierre Charles Silvestre de Villeneuve and his combined Franco-Spanish fleet of 33 ships is defeated by Viscount Horatio Nelson and his smaller band of 27 British ships in this decisive naval battle of the Napoleonic Wars.
DRAW 1806 Battle of Pultusk - December 26, 1806
Marshal Lannes of France leads against General Bennigsen of Russia in this inconclusive engagement.
DRAW 1807 Battle of Eylau - February 7-8, 1807
The battle results are inconclusive as Napoleon of France combating the powers of Russia and Prussia led by Bennigsen.
DRAW 1809 Battle of Corunna - January 16, 1809
Nicolas Jean de Dieu Soult is unable to prevent the British evacuation of British troops from Spain led by englishman John Moore.
DEFEAT 1809 Battle of Aspern-Essling - May 22, 1809
In Napoleon's first major defeat, he loses out to the determined Austrians under Archduke Charles.
DEFEAT 1811 Battle of Albuera - May 16, 1811
France led by Nicolas Jean de Dieu Soult falls to the coalition of nations made up of Britain, Portugal and Spain.
DEFEAT 1812 Battle of Badajoz - March 16-April 6, 1812
Surrender and retreat by the French garrison to a force of Anglo-Portuguese is one of the bloodiest sieges of the Napoleonic Wars.
DEFEAT 1812 Battle of Salamanca - July 22, 1812
A major French defeat for Auguste Marmont against the Anglo-Portuguese-Spanish Alliance.
DRAW 1812 Battle of Maloyaroslavets - October 24, 1812
General Delzons of France claims a victory over the Russians led by Marshal Kutuzov. Russians claim a strategic victory. Napoleon's stepson Eugene de Beauharnais is involved in the battle.
DEFEAT 1813 Battle of Vitoria - June 21, 1813
France led by Jean-Baptiste Jourdan and Joseph Bonaparte lose out to the Anglo-Spanish coalition led by Arthur Wellesley
DEFEAT 1813 Battle of Klum - August 30, 1813
General Dominique Vandamme of France loses to the allied forces of Austria, Russia, and Prussian led by Field-Marshal Barclay de Tolly.
DEFEAT 1813 Battle of Leipzig - October 16-19, 1813
Napoleon I of France loses decisively to the coalition of Britain, Russia, Spain, Portugal, Prussia, Austria, Sweden and several German states.
DEFEAT 1815 Battle of Waterloo - June 18, 1815
In Napoleon's last battle, he loses out to a coalition consisting of England, Russia, Austria and Prussia.
DEFEAT 1862 Battle of Puebla - May 5, 1862
An outnumbered Mexican force led by Ignacio Zaragoza defeats Napoleon III's French forces - led by Charles de Lorencez - giving Mexico its "Cinco de Mayo".
DEFEAT 1870 Battle of Worth - August 6, 1870
Patrice MacMahon of France falls to Crown Prince Frederich Wilhelm.
DRAW 1870 Battle of Gravelotte - August 18, 1870
The battle results in a draw as Francois Achille Bazaine of France secures a tactical victory and Helmuth von Moltke of Prussia secures a strategic victory.
DEFEAT 1870 Battle of Sedan - September 1, 1870
Napoleon III, Patrice MacMahon and Auguste-Alexandre Ducrot of France fall to the Germans led by Wilhelm I and Helmuth von Moltke.
DEFEAT 1870 Siege of Metz - Sept.-Oct. 1870
Besieged by superior Prussian forces, General Bazaine surrenders his army and the fortress of Metz.
DEFEAT 1870 Siege of Paris - Oct.-Jan. 1870
Besieged by superior German forces, and after several unsuccessful sorties, the starving capital of France surrenders.
See what I mean...............
BradNaylor
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Rich":kpu2knpa said:
I thought the same, Rich.
Until I found this.
http://baboonpirates.blogspot.com/2005/ ... -navy.html
It just had to be a cut & paste job.
Busted, Stevie!!
:wink:
Dan
devonwoody
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Dare I mention that to be enobled these days it doesnt matter if you are a liar and a cheat!
StevieB
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Where did I claim it as mine? I lifted it straight from the internet and I am happy to admit it. Apologies if people thought I wrote that lot in such a short time frame - I merely remembered reading it some time ago so googled for it. Oh how I wish I was that able 
Steve.
Steve.
BradNaylor
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StevieB":2a2t019h said:Where did I claim it as mine? I lifted it straight from the internet and I am happy to admit it. Apologies if people thought I wrote that lot in such a short time frame - I merely remembered reading it some time ago so googled for it. Oh how I wish I was that able
Steve.
Fair enough, Steve.
It's still an excellent piece and thanks for bringing it to our attention.
Perhaps wiser to give a credit or add a link, though.
Cheers
Dan
Lincolnshirebodger
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devonwoody":1ee3qrix said:
Indeed, they knighted Peter Mandelson, who was thrown out of public office TWICE for lying through his back teeth and corruption, who then went t owork for the EU, and organisation SO CORRUPT they havent ben able to find an Auditors crooked enough to pass there fiddled accounts for 8 years.
None of this is libellous, because its all provably true. Therefore we must point fingers and call a spade a spade (well in this case, a crook)
BradNaylor
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Lincolnshirebodger":1rledlwc said:
No they didn't.
They enobled him.
Lincolnshirebodger
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Dan Tovey":dnsojqgx said:
Ok, hair duly split and noted
devonwoody":3rtoy5kz said:
I'm glad you did mention it DW, as one looks deeper into this, you have to ask yourself, how many MP's and Lords and Ladies are where they are by virtue of earning their place, okay the MP's are elected by you and I, but the house of lords is a "placement" if you like, at this present moment in time I hold the lot of them in lower esteem than estate agents and lawyers and you don't get more distrustful people than that, whatever they spout, I assume the opposite, which, basically makes them hypocrites, they have only themselves to blame as their ULTIMATE aim is to feather their nest at the expense of representing the folks they are paid by, and the EU is the worst example of this excess, quite obviously the likes of Mandy have no moral rectitude and even worse, no conscience.
Rich.
There was a lovely, and appropriate, cartoon in the press when Mandy was resurrected.
It showed two peers outside the House as Mandy walked past.
One said to the other, 'what did he do to get a peerage, I had to pay three million for mine!'
Many a true word etc.
Roy.
It showed two peers outside the House as Mandy walked past.
One said to the other, 'what did he do to get a peerage, I had to pay three million for mine!'
Many a true word etc.
Roy.
