we haven't had any jokes on here for a while !

[sawdust1]

So here's a few !

My grandad said," your generation relies to much on technology!"
I replied, "no, your generation relies to much on technology!"
Then i unplugged his life support!

What do electric trains and women breasts have in common ?
They where originally intended for children but its the men who
play with them the most.

Hurricanes are normally named after women ! Because when they come
they are wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car!

Why did Raggedy Ann get kicked out of the toy box ?
She sat on Pinocchio's face and said lie to me !

What do you do with 365 used condoms ?
Recycle them into a tyre and call it a good year !

Thats all folks !

 

[Jonzjob]

Well, yuou are continuing the trend of no jokes for a while then :twisted: :twisted:

Bloke walkes into a pub with his pet giraffe and orders a pint each. The barman is surprised but serves them.

They are in there all the evening and after several refills the giraffe colapses in a heap, dead drunk.

The bloke gets really annoyed and starts shouting abuse at the giraffe laid out on the floor. Finally he looses his rag and shouts at the poor animal lying there "That's it! I've had enough of you passing out on me" and he starts to make for the door.

The barman looks at this huge animal on the deck and says to the bloke "Hey, you can't leave that lyin there"

The bloke gives him a quisical look and says "That's not a lyon, it's a giraffe" and walks out...

8) 8) 8)

 

[AES]

Ohhhhhhh Jon!!!!!!!!!

(next you'll be telling us all the one about "My 'at he chewed? I thought it was your attitude")



AES

 

[Austinisgreat]

Bald bloke walks into a pub with a frog growing out of his head.

Landlord says "how did that happen?"

Frog says "started as a wart on my arse..."

 

[Jonzjob]

Then there's the dyslexic pimp who bought a wharehouse :?

 

[Beau]

A slight variation on the one I know but too lazy to type it out my way

A man walks into a bar with a duck and a biscuit tin.

He sets the duck on top of the biscuit box on the bar and the duck begins dancing. The barman finds this rather interesting as do the rest of the punters in the pub. They all come round the duck and watch it for ages, and while doing so, buy more and more drink. By the end of the night the bar is full of people watching this amazing duck, still dancing and giving the odd quack now and again. The barman realises that he hasn't had business this good in a long time. It is so good that he offers to buy the duck from the man to which the man agrees to sell for 500 pounds. The barman thinks it is a bit expensive but agrees to buy it anyhow. On selling the duck, the man goes home leaving a crowded pub watching his dancing duck. At the end of the night the barman is locking up and the duck is still dancing. The barman thinks oh well time for bed the duck will stop dancing when he wants and the barman goes to bed.
In the morning the barman comes down to open up to see the duck still dancing away on the biscuit tin. The barman thinks to himself, he must really like dancing I'll leave him be. People flock far and wide to look at this dancing duck and with that buying drinks. Throughout the day the barman has taken more money then he normally takes in a whole month. The barman is just locking up at the end of the night and the duck is still dancing away. The barman is concerned that his 'investment' might wear himself out as he's been dancing for the past 24 hours.
Later that night, the man gets a telephone call; it is the barman and he exclaims that the duck is a great success and that he has never taking so much money in the last 24 hours, but he says - "There is one thing... How do you get the duck to stop dancing?" to which the man replies -- "Oh simple - just take the lid of the biscuit box and blow out the candle."

 

[gregmcateer]

Well seeing as we are recycling the oldies;

A man walks into a bar....
Ouch! it was an iron bar.

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.

Sorry.
Hat, coat...

 

[gregmcateer]

This one is a bit better;

Redneck at the doctor: “Doc, I think I’m in trouble, I swallowed an ice cube 3 days ago and it ain’t come out yet.”

 

[Jonzjob]

Bloke walks into a bar with a huge water lizard on his shoulder. He puts the lizard on the bar and orders a pint for himself and one for Tiny, the lizard.

Theys up their pints and more orders of pints.

After several requests for "one for me and one for Tiny" the barman is getting more and more qurious and askes the question

"that lizard is bleedin huge! Why do you call him Tiny?"

The bloke sups more of his pint and smiles at the barman. After a couple more sups he tells the bloke "I call him Tiny because he's my newt".

I lioke 'bloke walks into a bar' jokes :twisted: :twisted:

 

[Jonzjob]

At the docs again!!

Bloke rushes into the doctors, smashes his way passed the amaized receptionist and into the surgery!

He yelled "dostor you have GOT to help me!"

The doctor, being totally professional and calm under this sort of stress says " now just sit down, relax and tell me what is wrong"?

The bloke is in a hell of a state and almost screems "doc, you have to help me! I have got Hermese!"

The doc asks again "you have what?"

"I have got Hermese doc!"

The doctor says to him "don't you mean that you have got Herpies?"

The bloke replied "no doc, you don't understand! I'm a carrier!"

Well, it used to be topical if you can possibly remember what the RN used to have? :lol: :lol:

 

[Robbo3]

An Ode to 'Fifty Shades of Grey' - A husband's point of view.
John Summers

The missus bought a Paperback
down Shepton, Saturday,
I had a look in her bag;
...T’was “Fifty Shades of Grey”.

Well I just left her to it,
...At ten I went to bed.
An hour later she appeared;
The sight filled me with dread…

In her left hand she held a rope;
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down on the floor,
And then began to strip.

Well fifty years or so ago;
I might have had a peek;
But Mabel hasn’t weathered well;
She’s eighty four next week.

Watching Mabel bump and grind;
Could not have been much grimmer.
Things then went from bad to worse;
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled up upon her feet;
A couple minutes later;
She put her teeth back in and said...
I must dominate her!!

Now if you knew our Mabel,
You’d see just why I spluttered,
I’d spent two months in traction
For the last complaint I’d muttered.

She stood there nude, naked like;
Bent forward just a bit ….
I thought oh well, what the hell,
and stood on her left ***!

Mabel screamed, her teeth shot out;
My god what had I done!?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out:
“Step on the other one!”

Well readers, I can’t tell no more;
About what occurred that day.
Suffice to say my jet black hair,
Turned fifty shades of Grey.

 

[Robbo3]

The following are regrettably phrased classified ads that have been placed in newspapers throughout the world.
- http://www.rinkworks.com/said/ads.shtml

"Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel."

"2 female Boston Terrier puppies, 7 wks old, perfect markings, 555-1234. Leave mess."

"Washing machine: free to good home."

"No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent."

"Great Dames for sale."

"Lost Cocktail."

"Free Yorkshire Terrier. 8 yeards old. Hateful little dog."

"German Shepherd 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German. Free."

"Free ducks. You catch."

"1 man, 7 woman hot tub -- $850/offer"

"Amana washer $100. Owned by clean bachelor who seldom washed."

"Snow blower for sale...only used on snowy days."

"2 wire mesh butchering gloves: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, pair: $15"

"For sale: Lee Majors (6 Million Dollar Man) - $50"

"Shakespeare's Pizza - Free Chopsticks"

"Hummels - largest selection ever. 'If it's in stock, we have it!'"

"Georgia peaches, California grown - 89 cents lb."

"Tired of working for only $9.75 per hour? We offer profit sharing and flexible hours. Starting pay: $7 - $9 per hour."

"Vacation Special: have your home exterminated."

"Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours."

"Carpal Tunnel Syndrome - Free Sample!"

"Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast."

"Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it."

"This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes and Gardens."

"Wanted. Hunting rifle, suitable for teenagers."

"Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop."

"Christmas tag sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person."

"Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential."

"Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty."

"Mother's helper -- peasant working conditions."

"Buy your new bedroom suite from us, and we will stand behind it for six months."

"A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms."

"Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00."

"Government employer looking for candidates. Criminal background required."

"His and hers bicycles, $25 each or both for $55."

"For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers."

"Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too."

"Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory."

"We'll move you worldwide throughout the country."

"We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand."

"Tattoos done while you wait."

"Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it."

"Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children."

"If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachaise Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fontain, and Chopin."

"Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else."

"Stock up and save. Limit: one."

"For Rent: 6-room hated apartment."

"Wanted to buy: fishing net, must have no holes."

"TO LET: 4 bedroom house close to town. No poets."

"This house has been fully insulted."

"Man, honest. Will take anything."

"Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!"

"Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink."

"3-year-old teacher need for pre-school. Experience preferred."

"Our experienced Mom will care of your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included."

"Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops."

"Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again."

"Illiterate? Write today for free help."

"Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary."

"Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating."

"Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale."

"And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience."

"We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00."

 

[Robbo3]

Jesus Knows

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said,
'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze.

When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard 'Jesus is watching you.'

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.

'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.

'Yep', the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he is watching you.'

The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you ?'

'Moses,' replied the bird.

'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus.'

----------
Schnauzer

My wife found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vet, who found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

------------
Two Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem.

I have two female parrots,

But they only know to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

'That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed,

Then he thought for a moment.....

'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible...

Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.

My parrots can teach your parrots to pray and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... That phrase... In no time.'

'Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.'

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house....

As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying...

Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them...

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison:

Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?'

There was stunned silence...

Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and says,

'Put the beads away, Frank, Our prayers have been answered!

------
Reformed Parrot

Recently I received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a mean attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, I was fed up and I yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. I shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. So, in desperation, I threw up my hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that I'd hurt the parrot, I quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto my outstretched arm and said,
"I believe Imay have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour."
I was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As I was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the turkey did?"

---------
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."

"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.

"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now, if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"

"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants
to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks...

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"

"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."

"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"

"At the circus," says the barman.

"The circus?" repeats the duck.

"That's right," replies the barman.

"The circus?" The duck asks again. With the big tent?"

"Yeah," the barman replies.

"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who
live in caravans?" says the duck.

Of course," the barman replies.

"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.

"That's right!" says the barman.

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .... .

"What the heck would they want with a plasterer?

--------
Long John Silver

A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."

 

[whiskywill]

Two Red Indians and a, very rare, dopey Welshman were walking through the woods. All of a sudden one of the Red Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.

'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' he called into the cave and listened closely until he heard an answering, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Welshman was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. 'Was the other Indian crazy or what?'

The Indian replied 'No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful squaw in there waiting for us.

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Immediately, there was the answer. 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Welshman wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, 'Wow, man! Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!'

He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' Like the others, he then heard an answering call, 'WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!' With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran. The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...............






NAKED WELSHMAN RUN OVER BY TRAIN!!!

 

[NazNomad]

Since we seem to have regressed to schoolchildren ...


Q - What's brown and sticky?

A - A stick.

 

[AES]

OR (if we've really descended SO low):

"What's yellow and always points North?"



"Magnetic banana".

AES

 

[Jonzjob]

Ahhh, but a stick isn't always brown, it could be green or even black if it's been burnt init :? :?

 

[novocaine]

a fish walks in to a bar
the barman points out that whilst it maybe a good opening line for a joke, fish have no legs and excluding a very rare species can not breath out of water, at which point the fish falls to the ground and dies.