understanding engineers

[Johnboy]

Understanding Engineers - Take One


Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get
such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful
woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you
want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you
anyway."




Understanding Engineers - Take Two



To the optimist, the glass is half full.
To the pessimist, the glass is half empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.







Understanding Engineers - Take Three


A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him". He said, "Hello, George!
what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our
clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything
he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"





Understanding Engineers - Take Four


What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?

Mechanical engineers build weapons and civil engineers build targets.




Understanding Engineers - Take Five


The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"







Understanding Engineers - Take Six


An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll
turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay
with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a Princess, I'll stay with you for one week
and do ANYTHING you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, and that I'll stay
with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's
different.".

 

[Colin C]

=D>

 

[Taffy Turner]

Johnboy,

Spot on mate - apart from the last one! I know quite a few Engineers (all Mechanical), and not one of them would pass up the chance on offer there!!!

Of course, Civils and Electricals are a law unto themselves, and I couldn't possibly comment on their behalf......

Regards

Gary
(Chartered Mechanical Engineer).

 

[chiba]

Of course, Civils and Electricals are a law unto themselves, and I couldn't possibly comment on their behalf......

Regards

Gary
(Chartered Mechanical Engineer).

Ah, Civil Engineering...

How do you spot the Civil Engineer on the oil rig? He's the one trying to feed the helicopters.

And the difference between Civil Engineers and Mechanical ones? Mechanical Engineers make weapons. Civil Engineers make targets...

 

[andrewm]

Ah, Civil Engineering...

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said: "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints". Another said: No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said: "Actually it was a Civil Engineer. Who else would run toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

[andrewm]

Or, of some relevence to woodworking...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the workshop and get some work done."

 

[Taffy Turner]

Or, of some relevence to woodworking...

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."
"Both?"
Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the workshop and get some work done."

ROTFL

 

[Anonymous]

Sadly it all to close to the truth :lol:


Cheers

Tony
(Chartered Engineer and Lecturer in Mechanical Engineering department)

 

[Taffy Turner]

This is just too close to the truth to be funny!!!!

(Just remember - all you woodworking enthusiasts are Engineers too - you just haven't admitted it to yourself yet!!!)

ENGINEER IDENTIFICATION TEST:
You walk into a room and notice that a picture is hanging crooked. Do you:
A. Straighten it.
B. Ignore it.
C. Buy a CAD system and spend the next six months designing a solar-powered,self-adjusting picture frame while often stating aloud your belief that the inventor of the nail was a total moron.

The correct answer is "C" but partial credit can be given to anybody who writes "It depends" in the margin of the test or simply blames the whole stupid thing on "Marketing".

SOCIAL SKILLS:
Engineers have different objectives when it comes to social interaction.
"Normal" people expect to accomplish several unrealistic things from social interaction:
* Stimulating and thought-provoking conversation
* Important social contacts
* A feeling of connectedness with other humans
In contrast to "normal" people, engineers have rational objectives for social interactions:
* Get it over with as soon as possible.
* Avoid getting invited to something unpleasant.
* Demonstrate mental superiority and mastery of all subjects.

FASCINATION WITH GADGETS:
To the engineer, all matter in the universe can be placed into one of two categories:
(1) things that need to be fixed; and
(2) things that will need to be fixed after you've had a few minutes to play with them.
Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems available within the immediate vicinity, engineers will create their own problems. Normal people don't understand this concept; they believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
No engineer looks at a television remote control without wondering what it would take to turn it into a stun gun. No engineer can take a shower without wondering if some sort of Teflon coating would make showering unnecessary.To the engineer, the world is a toy box full of sub-optimised and feature-poor toys.

FASHION AND APPEARANCE:
Clothes are the lowest priority for an engineer, assuming the basic thresholds for temperature and decency have been satisfied. If no appendages are freezing or sticking together, and if no genitalia or mammary glands are swinging around in plain view, then the objective of clothing has been met.Anything else is a waste.

LOVE OF "STAR TREK":
Engineers love all of the "Star Trek" television shows and movies. It's a small wonder, since the engineers on the Starship Enterprise are portrayed as heroes, occasionally even having sex with aliens. This is much more glamorous than the real life of an engineer, which consists of hiding from the universe and having sex without the participation of other life forms.

DATING AND SOCIAL LIFE:
Dating is never easy for engineers. A normal person will employ various indirect and duplicitous methods to create a false impression of attractiveness. Engineers are incapable of placing appearance above function. Fortunately, engineers have an ace in the hole. They are widely recognised as superior marriage material: intelligent, dependable, employed, honest,and handy around the house. While it's true that many normal people would prefer not to date an engineer, most normal people harbour an intense desire to mate with them, thus producing engineer-like children who will have high-paying jobs long before losing their virginity.
Male engineers reach their peak of sexual attractiveness later than normal men, becoming irresistible erotic dynamos in their mid-thirties to late forties. Just look at these examples of sexually irresistible men in technical professions:
* Bill Gates.

HONESTY:
Engineers are always honest in matters of technology and human relationships. That's why it's a good idea to keep engineers away from customers, romantic interests, and other people who can't handle the truth.
Engineers sometimes bend the truth to avoid work. They say things that sound like lies but technically are not because nobody could be expected to believe them. The complete list of engineer lies is listed below:
"I won't change anything without asking you first."
"I'll return your hard-to-find cable tomorrow."
"I have to have new equipment to do my job."
"I'm not jealous of your new computer."

FRUGALITY:
Engineers are notoriously frugal. This is not because of cheapness or mean spirit; it is simply because every spending situation is simply a problem in optimisation, i.e., "How can I escape this situation while retaining the greatest amount of cash?"

POWERS OF CONCENTRATION:
If there is one trait that best defines an engineer, it is the ability to concentrate on one subject to the complete exclusion of everything else in the environment. This sometimes causes engineers to be pronounced dead prematurely. Some funeral homes in high-tech areas have started checking qualifications before processing the bodies. Anybody with a degree in electrical engineering or experience in computer programming is propped up in the lounge for a few days just to see if he or she snaps out of it.

RISK:
Engineers hate risk. They try to eliminate it whenever they can. This is understandable, given that when an engineer makes one little mistake, the media will treat it like it's a big deal or something. Examples of bad press for Engineers:
* Hindenberg.
* Space Shuttle Challenger.
* Hubble space telescope.
* Apollo 13.
* Titanic.
* Ford Pinto.
The risk/reward calculation for engineers looks something like this:
RISK: Public humiliation and the death of thousands of innocent people.
REWARD: A certificate of appreciation in a handsome plastic frame.
Being practical people, engineers evaluate this balance of risks and rewards and decide that risk is not a good thing. The best way to avoid risk is by advising that any activity is technically impossible for reasons that are far too complicated to explain.
If that approach is not sufficient to halt a project, then the engineer will fall back to a second line of defence: "It's technically possible but it will cost too much."

EGO:
Ego-wise, two things are important to engineers:
* How smart they are.
* How many cool devices they own.
The fastest way to get an engineer to solve a problem is to declare that the problem is unsolvable. No engineer can walk away from an unsolvable problem until it's solved. No illness or distraction is sufficient to get the engineer off the case. These types of challenges quickly become personal - a battle between the engineer and the laws of nature. Engineers will go without food and hygiene for days to solve a problem. (Other times just because they forgot.) And when they succeed in solving the problem, they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.
Nothing is more threatening to the engineer than the suggestion that somebody has more technical skill. Normal people sometimes use that knowledge as a lever to extract more work from the engineer. When an engineer says that something can't be done (a code phrase that means it's not fun to do), some clever normal people have learned to glance at the engineer with a look of compassion and pity and say something along these lines: "I'll ask Bob to figure it out. He knows how to solve difficult technical problems."
At that point, it is a good idea for the normal person to not stand between the engineer and the problem. The engineer will set upon the problem like a starved Chihuahua on a pork chop.

 

[Chris Knight]

Gary,
I like your comprehensive decompilation of engineers. The only real problem I have with it is the frugality thing. In my experience you have cheap engineers and you have expensive engineers and sadly many of us woodworkers fall in the latter category ( "I need a cast iron table saw to make decent firewood"; "Only a Holtey will plane wood flat" etc.) - mind you that's how many of us get a few kicks and I am not knocking it (proud tee shirt owner).

 

[Scrit]

Taffy

Help! I think I might be an engineer!......... :lol:

Scrit

 

[PowerTool]

I can relate to possibly too many of the above :lol:

Andrew (Institute of Road Transport Engineers, and Agricultural Engineer)

P.S. - this is my favourite :-

And when they succeed in solving the problem, they will experience an ego rush that is better than sex - and I'm including the kind of sex where other people are involved.

 

[Taffy Turner]

Taffy

Help! I think I might be an engineer!......... :lol:

Scrit

Scrit,

Welcome to the dark side.............

See - I told you most woodworkers were engineers at heart!

Gary

 

[Taffy Turner]

Gary,
I like your comprehensive decompilation of engineers. The only real problem I have with it is the frugality thing. In my experience you have cheap engineers and you have expensive engineers and sadly many of us woodworkers fall in the latter category ( "I need a cast iron table saw to make decent firewood"; "Only a Holtey will plane wood flat" etc.) - mind you that's how many of us get a few kicks and I am not knocking it (proud tee shirt owner).

Chris,

I have to admit that it wasn't my work - I copied it from another website, but it does seem scarily accurate!

Obviously the frugality issue doesn't apply where tools are concerned! Every engineer I have ever met has been a total tool junkie, and in many cases, the higher the cost, the more irresistable the tool - see comment about gadgets and features!

Gary

 

[DomValente]

My eldest son is an engineer, it's always a pleasure when he comes into my workshop and tells me that a two foot by eight foot board I've just lovingly jointed and planed is probably a mill. out, so happy so very happy.

 

[engineer one]

i am at a loss, :?

was it not the engineers who got apollo 13 back from the moon
with sealing wax and string??

is it not engineers who figure out how to make tools that you
woodworker spend all your time re-tuning to make them work
like engineers tools?

what is more worrying these days though is all the people in white
coats who claim they are engineers.

we have rodent removal engineers, and heating engineers,
and many similar, including human resources engineers (whatever the
hell they are) and according to the paper today, every one is
middle class and in management, so even the engineers have
given in to the easy world, how sad :twisted:

when i was younger nobody wanted to be an engineer because they
got dirty. now they do not know how to get dirty. :twisted: :lol:

paul :wink:

 

[Scrit]

Was it not the engineers who got apollo 13 back from the moon with sealing wax and string??

...... having first got it to the state it was in by dint of engineering prowess?

Is it not engineers who figure out how to make tools that you woodworker spend all your time re-tuning to make them work like engineers tools?

So you mean to say that engineers are deliberately under-engineering their products in order to either:

(i) shorten the life of the product so that the purchaser will be forced into buying a replacement before he would need to have had the product not been under-engineered in the first place, thus keeping more engineers in work designing similarly but slightly less disfunctional tools

or

(ii) generate work for more engineers to modify/update/make-fit the original under-engineered product

What is more worrying these days though is all the people in white coats who claim they are engineers......

You missed software engineers :shock: And as for "social engineering" (which we used to use as a joke back in the 1970s)....... :roll:

Only kidding, Paul, honest :wink:

Scrit
ex-propellor head.....

 

[engineer one]

hey scrit,
no problems.

you are right about most of it but for one really big point.

as the astronauts say, "remember that we are about to be blasted
off this earth in something that was built by the lowest bidder." :twisted:

so i always blame the accountants who want you to shave the pennies
off.

perfection is easy, how perfect can you afford? :lol:

the real problem is making something that will sell at a price that
people will pay for it. here we have discussions about why by LN/LV or
even clifton because they are so much more than a record or stanley out
of the box.

there will always be two possible courses, make it cheap enough to sell,
or make the best you can. however have you seen the latest rolls royce??
much rather have a bentley :lol:

years ago the guys at pressed steel who made leyland car bodies as well
as chrysler and rolls royce said look they can all be like rolls, but can you
then afford the car???

see i don't take it too seriously either, all i know is you need engineers
to make things from wood, and get them to market, where the accountants
and marketeers (not salesmen) can stuff it up :lol: :lol: :lol: :roll:

paul :wink:

 

[Scrit]

...so I always blame the accountants......

So do I, so do I ......... :lol: You've got to blame someone.

Scrit

 

[andrewm]

hey scrit,
as the astronauts say, "remember that we are about to be blasted
off this earth in something that was built by the lowest bidder." :twisted:

Although I don't think that is entirely true.

From memory the Challenger disaster was caused by faulty O rings. The O rings were only there to join the sections of the solid booster rocket together. The rocket only had to be joined because it had to be shipped by rail from Utah. It had to be shipped from Utah because the contract had been given to Morton Tiokol in Utah. And it had been given to Morton Tiokol because it would secure jobs in Utah and secure the vote of the Utah Senator (or maybe congressman) in the vote on NASA funding appropriation.

The Presidential Commission into the disaster blamed management for not listening to the engineers who warned of failure at low temperatures but as far as I am aware did not consider that if the rocket had been built nearer to the launch site it could have been built in one piece.

So, blame the politicians as well. Isn't hindsight wonderful..

Andrew