woodbloke
Established Member
Just in from SWIMBO, edited by me for more delicate dispositions 
-
JOINT FORCES PHSYCHIATRIC UNIT
HEADQUARTERS
BRITISH FORCES FALKLANDS ISLANDS
BFPO 655
Tel: 94130 1234
Fax: 94130 1200
POST FALKLANDS TOUR SYNDROME
Introduction
1. Your loved one will soon be coming to the end of their tour in the Falkland Islands. They may require a short period of adjustment back into ‘normal’ life (5-6 years should be sufficient).
2. There is a study on-going into the long term affects of this so-called Post Falklands Tour Syndrome. If the results are found to be conclusive then there is a good chance that your loved one could well receive f*@k all compensation.
3. This letter is designed to aid you in the task of integrating your loved one back into civilization.
Socialising
4. Your loved one must ON NO ACCOUNT be allowed to see the prices of either Beer, Spirits or Cigarettes, as this may come as such a shock that it could kill him/her instantly. Instead, ensure that any drinking or smoking is done at home and that you buy all the beer and cigarettes for them. Slowly increase the amount of money you take from them in order to acclimatize them back into reality.
5. Real sterling notes might also confuse them, since they have been using monopoly money for the past few months. If it doesn’t have a picture of a seal/penguin/duck on it they will scream at you that it is fake.
6. Whilst in the Falklands, your loved one may have inadvertently become addicted to a substance known as ‘vodka’. This is an extremely dangerous substance, which is often cut with cola. They may go into sweats, fits and sulks as their bodies get used to not having 10-15 shots of it every night.
7. Any drinks not served in cans, must be served in plastic glasses. DO NOT LET THEM HAVE GLASSES UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!
Entertainment
8. In order to bring your loved one back to the present day, gently wean them onto Newspapers and Magazines that are 7 days old. Reduce the out-of-dateness by 1 day a week until they can handle reading things that have happened recently.
9. The Falkland Islands has a strict 3-channel policy, and within that only a 6 hour viewing period which repeats 4 times a day. If you hear manic screams coming from the vicinity of any television sets, it is probably down to your loved one having found the Sky remote and becoming overwhelmed by the sheer volume of entertainment assailing their brain.
Food
10. Do not be surprised if, after eating a meal, your loved drops the plate, knife, fork, spoon and any drinking receptacles straight into the nearest bin, since he/she will not be used to such things as stainless steel, crockery or glassware. It may also help the transition if, when serving their meals you wear white clothing and look incredibly unhygienic.
11. Food should be served on red hot plates, but the food itself should be just above room temperature, unless it is a salad, which should be warmed and dried out for at least 3 hours. Cheese should be at least 2 days old and any dilute juice is not to be properly diluted, if diluted at all.
Transport
12. Whenever your loved ones plans to travel anywhere by vehicle, they will hand you a ‘bimble chit’ 24 hours in advance. This should be handed back to them on the morning they wish to travel otherwise they will moan very loudly about f@*king MT scumbags.
13. Under no circumstances will they drive anywhere if there is the slightest hint of wind, rain, snow or geese. If they do plan to drive somewhere that you don’t want them to go, simply say “the roads are restricted” and they will put down the car keys and start playing on the playstation or watching ****.
14. When you do go out in a vehicle, your loved one will get ready for the journey by doing a full 100% check of the vehicle (or at least walk round it with a clipboard for 15 minutes) and then pack into it enough food for 24 hours and a sleeping bag. Do not worry, this is almost normal.
15. Despite the speed limits, it is unlikely that your loved one will drive over 30 mph, even on motorways. It is in fact quite likely that they will scream hysterically at you to slow down should you ever reach 50 mph.
Miscellaneous
16. It may prove useful to install a set of speakers around the house which are linked to a microphone. Every time he/she tries to watch an interesting TV program, make a phone call or sleep you should shout loudly into it “standby for transmission, this is a test of the station crash alarm, no action is to be taken”, then set off any form of alarm clock for at least 3 minutes.
17. You should also plan dull and not at all useful jobs for your loved one to do every Saturday morning, just to ensure they do not get a full weekends rest at any time.
Summary
18. Following this guidance should swiftly lead to full rehabilitation of your loved one. Or it will make you as stir crazy as they are. Either way, please do not contact us with any gripes because quite frankly we don’t give a toss!!!
{original signed}
I M BARKIN-MADD
Lt Col
Chief Nutt
- JOINT FORCES PHSYCHIATRIC UNIT
HEADQUARTERS
BRITISH FORCES FALKLANDS ISLANDS
BFPO 655
Tel: 94130 1234
Fax: 94130 1200
POST FALKLANDS TOUR SYNDROME
Introduction
1. Your loved one will soon be coming to the end of their tour in the Falkland Islands. They may require a short period of adjustment back into ‘normal’ life (5-6 years should be sufficient).
2. There is a study on-going into the long term affects of this so-called Post Falklands Tour Syndrome. If the results are found to be conclusive then there is a good chance that your loved one could well receive f*@k all compensation.
3. This letter is designed to aid you in the task of integrating your loved one back into civilization.
Socialising
4. Your loved one must ON NO ACCOUNT be allowed to see the prices of either Beer, Spirits or Cigarettes, as this may come as such a shock that it could kill him/her instantly. Instead, ensure that any drinking or smoking is done at home and that you buy all the beer and cigarettes for them. Slowly increase the amount of money you take from them in order to acclimatize them back into reality.
5. Real sterling notes might also confuse them, since they have been using monopoly money for the past few months. If it doesn’t have a picture of a seal/penguin/duck on it they will scream at you that it is fake.
6. Whilst in the Falklands, your loved one may have inadvertently become addicted to a substance known as ‘vodka’. This is an extremely dangerous substance, which is often cut with cola. They may go into sweats, fits and sulks as their bodies get used to not having 10-15 shots of it every night.
7. Any drinks not served in cans, must be served in plastic glasses. DO NOT LET THEM HAVE GLASSES UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES!!!!
Entertainment
8. In order to bring your loved one back to the present day, gently wean them onto Newspapers and Magazines that are 7 days old. Reduce the out-of-dateness by 1 day a week until they can handle reading things that have happened recently.
9. The Falkland Islands has a strict 3-channel policy, and within that only a 6 hour viewing period which repeats 4 times a day. If you hear manic screams coming from the vicinity of any television sets, it is probably down to your loved one having found the Sky remote and becoming overwhelmed by the sheer volume of entertainment assailing their brain.
Food
10. Do not be surprised if, after eating a meal, your loved drops the plate, knife, fork, spoon and any drinking receptacles straight into the nearest bin, since he/she will not be used to such things as stainless steel, crockery or glassware. It may also help the transition if, when serving their meals you wear white clothing and look incredibly unhygienic.
11. Food should be served on red hot plates, but the food itself should be just above room temperature, unless it is a salad, which should be warmed and dried out for at least 3 hours. Cheese should be at least 2 days old and any dilute juice is not to be properly diluted, if diluted at all.
Transport
12. Whenever your loved ones plans to travel anywhere by vehicle, they will hand you a ‘bimble chit’ 24 hours in advance. This should be handed back to them on the morning they wish to travel otherwise they will moan very loudly about f@*king MT scumbags.
13. Under no circumstances will they drive anywhere if there is the slightest hint of wind, rain, snow or geese. If they do plan to drive somewhere that you don’t want them to go, simply say “the roads are restricted” and they will put down the car keys and start playing on the playstation or watching ****.
14. When you do go out in a vehicle, your loved one will get ready for the journey by doing a full 100% check of the vehicle (or at least walk round it with a clipboard for 15 minutes) and then pack into it enough food for 24 hours and a sleeping bag. Do not worry, this is almost normal.
15. Despite the speed limits, it is unlikely that your loved one will drive over 30 mph, even on motorways. It is in fact quite likely that they will scream hysterically at you to slow down should you ever reach 50 mph.
Miscellaneous
16. It may prove useful to install a set of speakers around the house which are linked to a microphone. Every time he/she tries to watch an interesting TV program, make a phone call or sleep you should shout loudly into it “standby for transmission, this is a test of the station crash alarm, no action is to be taken”, then set off any form of alarm clock for at least 3 minutes.
17. You should also plan dull and not at all useful jobs for your loved one to do every Saturday morning, just to ensure they do not get a full weekends rest at any time.
Summary
18. Following this guidance should swiftly lead to full rehabilitation of your loved one. Or it will make you as stir crazy as they are. Either way, please do not contact us with any gripes because quite frankly we don’t give a toss!!!
{original signed}
I M BARKIN-MADD
Lt Col
Chief Nutt
