Jokes!!
- Thread starter MikeG.
- Start date
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A man gets home, runs into his house, slams the door and shouts,
"Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
"Honey, I just won the lottery! Pack your bags!"
The wife says, "Great! What should I pack for? The ocean or the mountains?"
He says, "I don't care! Just be out by the end of the week!"
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.
(sorry about the American spelling...)
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, push,' and 'Breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.
I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.
When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.
Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.
She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'
'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'
She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.
'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'
(Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)
'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)
'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!'
(This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)
'Then the middle wife starts saying 'Push, push,' and 'Breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, (placenta) so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there.'
Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest.. Ever since then, when it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.
WOMAN'S DIARY - 27 June 2009 Saturday
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him,
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued
and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All
through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of
silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around
him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit
cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 June
We lost the rugby. Gutted. Got laid though.
Saw him in the evening and he was acting really strangely. I'd been
shopping in the afternoon with the girls and was a bit late meeting him,
thought it might be that. The bar was really crowded and loud, so I
suggested we go somewhere quieter to talk. He was still very subdued
and distracted so I suggested we went somewhere nice to eat. All
through dinner he just didn't seem himself - he hardly laughed and
didn't seem to be paying any attention to me or to what I was saying, I
just knew that something was wrong.
He dropped me back home and I wondered if he was going to come in, He
hesitated but followed. I asked him what was wrong, but he just half
shook his head and turned the television on. After about ten minutes of
silence I said that I was going upstairs to bed, I put my arms around
him and told him that I loved him deeply, he just gave a sigh and a sad
sort of smile. He didn't follow me up immediately but came up later and,
to my surprise, we made love - but he still seemed distant and a bit
cold.
I cried myself to sleep - I think he's planning to leave me - maybe he's
found someone else.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
MAN'S DIARY - Saturday 27 June
We lost the rugby. Gutted. Got laid though.
Why didn't I think of this?
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $8).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Er ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Er ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by
the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had
been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at approximately £400 (about
$640) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($5.8 million)!
And no one even knows his name.
Outside the Bristol Zoo, in England, there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 coaches, or buses.
It was manned by a very pleasant attendant with a ticket machine charging cars £1 (about $1.40) and coaches £5 (about $8).
This parking attendant worked there solid for all of 25 years. Then, one day, he just didn't turn up for work.
"Oh well", said Bristol Zoo Management - "we'd better phone up the City
Council and get them to send a new parking attendant..."
"Er ... no", said the Council, "that parking lot is your responsibility."
"Er ... no", said Bristol Zoo Management, "the attendant was employed by
the City Council, wasn't he?"
"Err ... NO!" insisted the Council.
Sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, is a bloke who had
been taking the parking lot fees, estimated at approximately £400 (about
$640) per day at Bristol Zoo for the last 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over £3.6 million ($5.8 million)!
And no one even knows his name.
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed : 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! ..... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed : 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! ..... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river.'
Poof! ..... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man
prayed : 'God, please give me the strength to cross the river.'
Poof! ..... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to
swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed : 'God, please give me
strength and the tools to cross the river.'
Poof! ..... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and
he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed: 'God,
please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river.'
Poof! ..... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.
It's schoolboy howler time again!
1. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
2. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
3. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
4. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
6. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
7. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
8. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .
9 Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
10. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
11. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
12. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
13. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
14. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
1. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli, and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.
2. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
3. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
4. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
5. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.
6. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
7. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
8. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River .
9 Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.
10. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.
11. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.
12. The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
13. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.
14. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up
plymouth pirate
Established Member
Three friends were discussing the totally blitzed state they'd gotten into the night previously.
"I was so pineappled" the first said "that when I got home I blew Chunks".
"That's nothing", the second said "I was so pineappled that when I got home I entered the wrong house and tried to get into bed with my neighbours".
The third said, "Even worse, when I got home I tried to cook a bacon butty and set the house on fire, total loss".
"No, No", said the first guy. "You don't understand, ......Chunks is my wifes pet poodle".
"I was so pineappled" the first said "that when I got home I blew Chunks".
"That's nothing", the second said "I was so pineappled that when I got home I entered the wrong house and tried to get into bed with my neighbours".
The third said, "Even worse, when I got home I tried to cook a bacon butty and set the house on fire, total loss".
"No, No", said the first guy. "You don't understand, ......Chunks is my wifes pet poodle".
