Jokes!!

[The Shark]

2 farmers were rounding up sheep when one of the ewes ran wild, and ran into a fence getting her head stuck.
The 2 farmers looked at each other and paused.
One says "This is too good an opportunity to miss", unzips his flies and rides the ewe for 10 minutes.
When he has finished, he asks his buddy if he fancies some of that?
"You are dead right I do", he says, so he frantically pulls down his trousers and sticks his head in the fence!

 

[loftyhermes]

A husband walks into Victoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price -- the more
sheer, the higher the price. Naturally,he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500,
and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on,
and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she' s no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that
it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked,
return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose. The husband says,
'Good Grief! You'd think for £500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

 

[smithrdn]

wow great collection of jokes, hopefully very soon there would be one of mine

 

[loftyhermes]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh

'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional nurse. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Fred said and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'man thingy' the nurse had ever seen. Length and width, it couldn't have been bigger than an AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse started giggling then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later she was able to struggle to her feet and regain her composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the nurse. 'I don't know what came over me. On my honour as a nurse and a lady, I promise it won't happen again. Now, tell me,what seems to be the problem?'


'...It's swollen,' Fred replied.

 

[big soft moose]

A man walks
into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their
orders.



The
man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to
the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll
have the same,' says the ostrich.

A
short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That
will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket
and pulls out the exact change for
payment.

The next day, the man and the
ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries
and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the
same.'

Again the man reaches into his
pocket and pays with exact change.

This
becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?'
asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night,
so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says
the man.

'Same,' says the
ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the
order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once
again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and
places it on the table.

The waitress
cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me,
sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact
change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,'
says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic
and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared
and offered me two wishes. My first wish was
that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put
my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always
be there.'



'That's brilliant!'
says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million
dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you
want for as long as you live!'

'That's
right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the
exact money is always there,' says the
man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the
ostrich?'


The
man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a
tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with
everything I say.'

 

[andycktm]

Man sitting at home looking at his marriage certificate.
Wife asks "what are you looking for?"
Man replies"the ******* expiry date"

 

[maltrout512]

A Farmer buys a new bull puts it in the field with the cows and all it did was eat grass and sh.t. This went on for a week. Still nothing happens. Market day in town, he's having a chat with another farmer. Tells him the story of his new bull.
The other farmer said that he had had that problem last year with a new bull he had bought, but he had solved the problem.

What you do is go up behind a cow and wipe your hand over her back end. Then go up to the bull and rub it onto his nose.

Did it work

Within minutes my bull couldn't stop doing what he was bought for.

So the farmer goes home and goes into the field up behind a cow wipes his hand over her backend. Then he goes up to the bull and smears his hand over the bulls nose. Well yep within minutes the bull started doing what he was bought for.

Late that night in bed he was thinking of how he solved the problem of his bull. I wonder. Moving his hand across to his wife, he has a little rummage, then wipes his hand over his nose. Well within seconds he has the biggest stiff he's ever hand.

Not wanting to waste the moment he started to shake his wife to wake her. Groaning she turned the light on and sat up and looked at him and said, It's 3 in the morning and you just woke me up to tell me you have a nose bleed....

 

[llangatwgnedd]

Ugh, disgusting.

Keep them coming.

 

[Pip]

The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This
announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the
British government's **/Work for the Dole/** scheme and employ some
Liverpudlian youngsters.*

*The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on
how unemployed youths from Liverpool were able to remove a set of wheels
in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's
existing crew could only do it in eight seconds with millions of pound's
worth of high tech equipment.*

*It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management
team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an
advantage over every other team.*

*However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for. At the crew's first
practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all
four wheels in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had
re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for eight
cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Coulthard's bird in
the shower!** *

 

[SketchUp Guru]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend, Walter and his wife, Ann, listened as the instructor declared, 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He then addressed the men, 'For instance, can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'

Walter leaned over, touched Ann's arm gently, and whispered,

'Homepride Self-Raising, isn't it?'

And thus began Walter's life of celibacy.

 

[Steve Maskery]

Dave, that doesn't translate!

"Homepride Self-Raising" and we'd all be falling about laughing!


S

 

[CNC Paul]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet & have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out & make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time & the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms & sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time & all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house & meets his girlfriend at the door.. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside & is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace & bows his head. A minute passes & the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass & still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over & whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns & whispers back, 'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'



Paul

 

[CNC Paul]

What's the difference between a dead armadillo and a dead lawyer on the side of the road?

The skid marks in front of the armadillo...
……………………………………………………………………………
What's the difference between a porcupine and a lawyer in a BMW?

The porcupine has the prick on the outside!
………………………………………………………………………………
What do you have when you have 30 lawyers buried neck deep in concrete?

A concrete shortage!

………………………………………………………………………………..
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
…………………………………………………………………………..
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

 

[Davon]

At a recent international medical conference on transplants, an Israeli doctor claimed, 'Transplant surgery in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks'.


A German doctor said, 'That's nothing! In Germany , we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks'.

A Russian doctor said, 'In my country medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks'.

The English doctor, not to be outdone, said 'Hah!. We can take two pineapples out of Scotland , put them in 10 & 11 Downing Street and have half the country looking for work within twenty-four hours'. :lol:

 

[SketchUp Guru]

Dave, that doesn't translate!

"Homepride Self-Raising" and we'd all be falling about laughing!


S

Sorry about that. I'll change it.

 

[big soft moose]

What's the difference between a dead armadillo and a dead lawyer on the side of the road?

The skid marks in front of the armadillo...
……………………………………………………………………………
What's the difference between a porcupine and a lawyer in a BMW?

The porcupine has the prick on the outside!
………………………………………………………………………………
What do you have when you have 30 lawyers buried neck deep in concrete?

A concrete shortage!

………………………………………………………………………………..
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
The tick stops draining you and drops off after you're dead.
…………………………………………………………………………..
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

whats the difference between a lawyer and a catfish ?

one is an unappealing , scum sucking, bottom dwelling, shark .... but a catfish is quite harmless really.

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Its the day of creation and a snake and a rabbit are talking - "so what am i ?" asks the rabbit "what do i look like" - The snake describes the big floppy ears , the cute twitchy nose, and the fluffy tale "cool" says the rabbit " I'm a bunny wabbit"

"well" says the snake "what am I"

he rabbit says " well you're cold blooded, slimy, have no appreciable ears and a forked poisonous tongue "

"oh my god" says the snake " I'm a lawyer"

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God and the devil are having something of a dispute because the fence between heaven and **** has fallen down - the deeds clearly show that its the devils responsibility to fix it but he isnt having any of it.

" look" god splutters " we need that fence to keep your sinners and imps away from my sweet innocent angels , if you dont fix it you'll be hearing from my solicitor"

in response the devil just gives god the finger and sneers " yeah right beardy boy ... and just where do YOU think you are going to find a solicitor "

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we probably ought to mention that this is totally sterotyped and we know that it doesnt fit every lawyer , some are very nice people - we know this because both of them are members of this forum

 

[devonwoody]

have you heard this one?

Maria had just gotten married, and being a traditional Italian she was still a virgin. On her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was very nervous.

Her mother reassured her;

'Don't worry, Maria, Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you.

Meanwhile, I'll be making pasta.'

So, up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest.'

'Don't worry, Maria,' says the mother, 'all good men have hairy chests.
Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. 'Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!'

'Don't worry! All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you.'

So, up she went again. When she got there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. 'Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!'

Her Mama said, 'Stay here and stir the pasta.'

 

[Chippyjoe]

Hi at the risk of getting a red card please enjoy the following joke and apologies if it has been posted before.

A mother was working in the kitchen,listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of you b*****ds who want off,get the f**k off the train now,cause we're in a hurry! And all of you b*****ds who are getting on,get the f**k on,cause we're going down the tracks".

The horrified mother went in and told her son,"We dont use that kind of language in this house.Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out,you may play with your train,but I want you to use nice language".

Two hours later,the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say"All the passengers who are disembarking the train,please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.

She hears the little boy continue,

"For those of you boarding,we ask you to stow all your hand luggage under your seat.Remember,there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

As the mother began to smile,the child added.................

"For those of you who are pineappled off about the TWO HOUR delay,please see the fat puppy in the kitchen"

I will get my coat

 

[big soft moose]

and one last lawyer joke

whats the difference between a lawyer and a rooster

a rooster clucks defiance

and i'll leave you to work out what a lawyer does to the clients yourselves

 

[thejhw]

and one last lawyer joke

You know why nobody tells lawyer jokes anymore, don't you?

Because the lawyers don't find them funny and the rest of us don't know that they're jokes.

Jim