Jokes

[Anonymous]

News flash.
==========
A major earthquake, measuring 9.1 on the Richter scale has hit
Nigeria this morning.

350,000 Nigerians have died and over a million have been reported
injured.

The country is totally ruined and the government doesn't know where
to start with providing help.

The rest of the world is in shock, Canada is sending troops to assist
the country, Europe is sending food and money, and South Africa is
sending 350,000 replacement Nigerians .

 

[bobthejoiner]

British TV & Radio Double Entendres.
1. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-cambridge boat race 1977-"Ah isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew"
2. Ted Walsh- Horse Racing Commentator- "This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother"
3. New Zealand Rugby Commentator- " Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside him"
4. Ken Brown commenting on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddy Fanny Sunneson lining up shots at the Scottish -Open- " Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny, other weeks he prefers to do it by himself"
5. Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on Sky Sports -"Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets"
6.
Jack Burnicle was talking about Colin Edward's tyre choice on World Superbike-racing-" Colin had a hard on in practice earlier and I bet he wished he had a hard on now"
7 .Chris Tarrant discussing the first Millionaire winner Judith Keppel on This Morning-" She was practising fastest finger first by herself in bed last night".
8.Clair frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on Look North said - "There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night"
9. James Allen interviewing Ralph Schumacher at a Grand Prix asked- "What does it feel like being rammed up the backside by Barrichello"
10. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters- "Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69"
11 The new stand at Doncaster race course took Brough Scott's breath away-" MY word" he said "Look at that magnificent erection
12.Willie Carson was telling Clair balding how jockey's prepare for a big race when he said-" they usually have four or five dreams a night about coming from different positions"
13 Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on Time Team said-" you'd eat beaver if you could get it".
14 A femalenews anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't turned to the weatherman and asked,-" So Bob where's that eight inches you promised me last night?" Not only did he have to leave the set, but half the crew did to, because they were laughing so much.
15 US PGA Commentator-" One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that before each tee shot, his wife takes his balls out and kisses them.... Oh my god!!!!! What have I just said?!!!!!"
16. Metro Radio- "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field"
17. Pat Glenn Weightlifting commentator-" And this Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing"
18. David Colman's comment on the Cuban 400 metre runner at the Olyimpics-"Juantorena only has to open his legs to show us his class"
19. Brian Johnstone's classic--" Welcome back to Edgbaston after the tea interval, listeners, for the Test match between England and the West Indies, with the west indies batting. The batsman's Holding; the blowler's Willey"

 

[Anonymous]

Two Irishmen were in a life boat, following a dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.

To the amazement of the castaways, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much thought to the matter the man blurted out, "Make the entire ocean into beer!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the men considered their circumstances.

One man looked disgustedly at the other, whose wish had been granted.

After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going *****! Now we're going to have to piss in the boat!"

 

[Jaco]

Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D.
Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.

This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye—they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning.
I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t laugh your day is coming!

 

[Jaco]

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked,

"If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the bum said.

"Will you use it to gamble?"

"I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?"

"Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

The man said, "Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars.

Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The bum was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's OK!

I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf

 

[Jaco]

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when
> dealing with women. Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to
> understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance, one
> single rule applies: Make the woman happy.
>
> Do something she likes, and you get points.
> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
> You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
> Sorry, but that's the way the game is played.
>
> Here is a guide to the point system:
>
> SIMPLE DUTIES
> You make the bed.....+1
> You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.....0
> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets....-1
> You leave the toilet seat up.....-5
> You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty......0
> When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex.....-1
> When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom.....-2
> You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings.....+5
> In the snow .....+8
> But return with beer.....-5
> And no liners.....-25
> You check out a suspicious noise at night.....0
> You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing.....0
> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.....+5
> You pummel it with a six iron.....+10
> It's her cat.....-40
>
> AT THE PARTY
> You stay by her side the entire party.....0
> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with college drinking
> buddy.....-2
> Named Tiffany.....-4
> Tiffany is a dancer.....-10
> With breast implants.....-18
>
> HER BIRTHDAY
> You remember her birthday.....0
> You buy a card and flowers.....0
> You take her out to dinner.....0
> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.....+1
> Okay, it is a sports bar.....-2
> And it's all-you-can-eat night.....-3
> It's a sports bar, its all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the
> colors of your favorite team.....-10
>
> A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS
> Go with a pal.....0
> The pal is happily married.....+1
> The pal is single.....-7
> He drives a Ferrari.....-10
> With a personalized license plate (GR8NBED)...-15
>
> A NIGHT OUT WITH HER
> You take her to a movie.....+2
> You take her to a movie she likes.....+4
> You take her to a movie you hate.....+6
> You take her to a movie you like.....-2
> It's called Death Cop III.....-3
> Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.....-9
> You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans.....-15
>
> YOUR PHYSIQUE
> You develop a noticeable pot belly.....-15
> You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it.....+10
> You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
> Hawaiian shirts.....-30
> You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".....-800
>
> THE BIG QUESTION
> She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
> You hesitate in responding.....-10
> You reply, "Where?".....-35
> You reply, "No, I think it's your ***".....-100
> Any other response.....-20
>
> COMMUNICATION
> When she wants to talk about a problem:
> You listen, displaying a concerned expression.....0
> You listen, for over 30 minutes.....+5
> You relate to her problem and share a similar experience.....+50
> Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "Well, what
> do you think I should do?".....-100
> You have fallen asleep.....-200
>
> IT'S THAT TIME OF THE MONTH
> You talk.....-100
> You don't talk.....-150
> You spend time with her......-200
> You don't spend time with her.....-500
> You seem to be enjoying yourself.....-1000
>
> GAME OVER - YOU LOSE!!

 

[Anonymous]

Hubby Shopping

A Husband Shopping Center has opened where a woman can go to choose a
husband from among many men. It is laid out in five floors, and the men
increase in positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights.

There is, however, a catch. As you open the door to any floor you may
choose a man from that floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go
back down, except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door says:

Floor 1: These men have jobs and love kids.

The woman reads the sign and says: "Well that's better than not having
jobs, or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?"

So up she goes.

The second floor sign says:

Floor 2: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely
good looking.

"Hmmm, better." says the woman. "But, I wonder what's further up?"

The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, and help with the housework.

"Wow," says the woman, "very tempting. BUT, there's must be more
further up!"

And, again, she goes up.

On the fourth floor the sign reads:

Floor 4: These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely
good looking, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.

"Oh, mercy me! But just think...what must be awaiting me further on?

So up to the fifth floor she goes.

The sign on that door says:

Floor 5: This floor is just to prove that women are impossible to
please. Thank you for shopping and have a nice day.

 

[Anonymous]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which


conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft
during
> the

flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct
the
>

problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form
what

remedial action was taken and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets
before
> the
>

next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers
lack a

sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints
and

problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by

maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline
that

has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)

(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)


P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.

S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.

S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


P: Something loose in cockpit.

S: Something tightened in cockpit


P: Dead bugs on windshield.

S: Live bugs on back-order.


P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute
> descent.
>

S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.

S: Evidence removed.


P: DME volume unbelievably loud.

S: DME volume set to more believable level.


P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.

S: That's what they're there for.


P: IFF inoperative.

S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


P: Suspected crack in windshield.

S: Suspect you're right.


P: Number 3 engine missing.

S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


P: Aircraft handles funny.

S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.



P: Target radar hums.

S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


P: Mouse in cockpit.

S: Cat installed.

 

[Jaco]

These questions about South Africa were posted on a South African
Tourism Website and were answered by the website owner.

Q: Does it ever get windy in South Africa? I have never seen it rain on
TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them
die.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the
railroadtracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in South Africa? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in South Africa? Can you send me
a list of them in JHB, Cape Town, Knysna and Jeffrey's Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South
Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific.
A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe
which does not... oh what the hell... Sure, the Koala Bear racing is
everyTuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is north in South Africa? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here
and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into South Africa? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which
is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday
night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Do you have perfume in South Africa? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can
you tell me where I can sell it in South Africa? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in South Africa where the female
population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in South Africa? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: Are there killer bees in South Africa? (Germany)
A: Not yet, but for you, we'll import them.

Q: Are there supermarkets in Cape Town and is milk available all year
round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter-gatherers. Milk is
illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense
rattlesnake serum. USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All
South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and
make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I
dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speek English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

:lol:

 

[Anonymous]

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, Cuddles has passed away.
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.
As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat.
The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "!", she cried, " just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been much less, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it went up considerably

 

[Dog]

The burglar and the parrot
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight
around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out, and
froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his
flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.

"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot Moses?"

The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would name a Rotweiller "Jesus"! :wink:

 

[Anonymous]

It was opening night at the theatre and people came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff.
As the hypnotist took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage
hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a
trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as he withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special
watch. Its been in my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...." The crowd became
mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its
polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the
floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"****" said the hypnotist.

It took three weeks to clean up the theater.

 

[Jaco]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven." The first man

fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on.

"It represents a candle" he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" . Saint Peter said you may pass

through the pearly gates.

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's knickers. St. Peter looked at the man with a

raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The man replied............



WAIT FOR IT.................

"They're Carols".

 

[Guest]

A man was driving down a lane in Ireland when he spotted a leprachaun asleep on a wall. He slammwd on his brakes, jumped out and grabbed hold of the little man. "I claim my three wishes" the man shouted, "I know you have to grant them."Ah," replied the leprachaun,"but did you know that whatever you wish for your worst enemy will get double."
"Thats ok." agreed the man." For my first wish I want 10 million quid"
There was a puff of smoke and a bank book appeared in the man's hand, 10 million pounds showing in black."Don't forget,"said the leprachaun"your worst enemy has 20 million now" "What's your second wish?"
After much consideration the man said"I want a 100 room mansion with a luscious girl waiting for me in every room"
Aother puff of smoke and there on the hill was his mansion, girls waving from every room.
"Don't forget" "Yeah,yeah " the man interupted, "My worst enemy blah blah!"
"Last wish then" said the leprachaun getting a bit fed up with his captor.
After scratching his head and pondering for a long time he said"Can I ask a question?"
"Ok" said the leprachaun, wanting to get home for his tea now"What's your question?"
"Does it hurt to have one ball off?"

 

[Guest]

A young woodworker thinks up a new mousetrap.He beavers away in his garxxx.wokshop and dashes off with the result of his labours to the Patent Office.
He places his mousetrap on the table. It consists of a short ramp with a razor blade fixed across the top edge. On the other side of the razor blade is a lump of cheese.
"How does it work?" asks the Patent Officer.
"Well, the mouse runs up the ramp and reaches for the cheese and so cuts it's throat" states the woody proudly.
"But it won't work"explains the Officer"You have to have a sawing motion or the mouse will just take it's head away."
Disolusioned, the chippy goes home but just a week later he is back with his modified mousetrap.
The Patent officer looks puzzled."The only difference I can see is there's no cheese. How's that going to help?"
"Now," the chippy explains"when the mouse goes up the ramp,helooks from side to side saying "Where's the bloody cheese?"

 

[Anonymous]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his ax fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?" The woodcutter replied that his ax has fallen into water, and he needed the ax to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden ax.

"Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron ax. "Is this your ax?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Jennifer Lopez. "Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Jennifer Lopez, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, so
THAT'S why I said yes to Jennifer Lopez."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it.

 

[Anonymous]

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to
the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?" The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.

2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.

5 - The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke? The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares, "Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

 

[Anonymous]

F0RWARD PLANNING
An Irish Engineer named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor after a lengthy examination sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order. O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being a solid character and good engineer, he managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor’s office into the waiting room,where his son had been waiting.
“Well, son, we Irish celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go well. In this case, things aren’t so well. I have cancer. Let’s head to the pub and have a few pints.”After 3 or 4 pints, or more, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and some more beers. They were eventually approached by some of O’Malley’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
O’Malley told them that the Irish celebrate the good as well as the bad. He went on to tell his friends that they were drinking to his impending end. He told his friends, “I have been diagnosed with AIDS.”
The friends gave O’Malley their condolences, and they had a couple of more beers. After the friends left, O’Malley’s son leaned over and whispered his confusion.
“Dad, I thought you told me that you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends that you were dying of AIDS!”
O’Malley said, “I don’t want any of them sleeping with your Mother after I am gone.”

 

[kityuser]

whats the first thing sadam said when the american GI pulled him out of his hole??????


> have I beaten david blaine yet????????

 

[Anonymous]

Why we love children



1. A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat, but it was dead. "How do you know that the cat was dead?" she asked her pupil.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child

innocently. You did WHAT ? ! ?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise.

"You know, "explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!' and it

didn't move."



2. A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes

later....."Da-ad...." "What?" "I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of

water?" "No, You had your chance, Lights out." Five minutes later:

"Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?" "I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!" Five

minutes

later......"Daaaa-aaaad....." "WHAT!" "When you come in to spank me,

can

you bring a drink of water?"



3. An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief,

finally asked him "How do you expect to get into Heaven?" The boy

thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out

and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, 'For Heaven's sake,

Dylan, come in or stay out!'"



4. One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was

tucking her son into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he

asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me

tonight?" The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.

"I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room." A long

silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big

sissy."



5. It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the

children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward.

One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she

sat

down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress.

Is

it

your Easter Dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the

pastor's

clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a ***** to iron."



6. When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year

old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the

shower. She said, "Mommy, you are getting fat!" I replied, "Yes,

honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy." "I know," she

replied, but what's growing in your butt?"



7. A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself,

"Two plus five, that son of a ***** is seven. Three plus six, that

son of a ***** is nine...." His mother heard what he was saying and

gasped, "What are you doing?" The little boy answered, "I'm doing my

math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do

it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother

asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in

math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning

addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two

plus

two, that son of a ***** is four?" After the teacher stopped

laughing,

she

answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is

four."







8. One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken

Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken

Little tried

to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to

the

farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"

The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that

farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he

said:

'Holy ****! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for

the

next 10 minutes.



9. A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr.

Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must

say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School,

and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I

thought I was, but mother says I'm

not."



10. A little girl asked her mother, "Can I go outside and play with

the boys? "Her mother replied, "No, you can't play with the boys,

they're too rough."

The little girl thought about it for a few moments and asked, "If I

can

find a smooth one, can I play with him?"



11. A little girl goes to the barbershop with her father. She

stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut,

eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're

gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna

get ****s too."







Not for the Feminists!



A recent scientific study found that the kind of male face a woman

finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual

cycle.



For instance, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged

and masculine features. And if she is menstruating, she is likely to

prefer a man doused in petrol and set on fire, with scissors shoved

deep into his temple and a hurley jammed up his @rse.





The population of this country is 44674809.
10783534 are retired.
That leaves 33891275 to do the work.
There are 12043423 in school,
which leave 21847852 to do the work.
Of this there are 14103245 unemployed.
This leaves 7744607 to do the work.
1719686 are in the Armed Forces,
which leaves 6024921 to do the work.
Take from the total the 4824387 people who work for Public Works and City Government and that leaves 1200534 to do the work.
There are 288534 in hospitals,
so that leaves 911788 to do the work.
Now, there are 911786 people in Prisons.
That leaves Just two people to do the work. You and me.
And you're just sitting there reading jokes all day!