Jokes

[Gill]

A recent poll of 2000 women asked if they would sleep with Sven, the England football manager.

94% replied, "Never again".

 

[Steve Maskery]

In preparation for the 2006 Football World Cup: The "offside rule" explained for women:

You're in a shoe shop, second in the queue for the till.

Behind the shop assistant on the till is a pair of shoes which you have seen and which you must have.
The female shopper in front of you has seen them also and is eyeing them with desire.

Both of you have forgotten your purses.

It would be rude to push in front of the first woman if you had no money to pay for the shoes.

The shop assistant remains at the till waiting.

Your friend is trying on another pair of shoes at the back of the shop and sees your dilemma.

She prepares to throw her purse to you.

If she does so, you can catch the purse, and then walk round the other shopper
and buy the shoes!

At a pinch she could throw the purse ahead of the other shopper and, "whilst it is in flight" you could nip around the other shopper, catch the purse and buy the shoes!


BUT, you must always remember that until the purse has "actually been thrown", it would be plain wrong to be in front of the other shopper!


NOW DO YOU GET IT?!!

Cheers
Steve
(who has never understood offside either!)

 

[RogerS]

Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side.

"When I married your mother, the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers," he said.

"I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on. When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn't possibly wear them, as they were too large."

I told her: "Of course they're too big. I wear the trousers in this family and I always will.?"

Ever since that day, we have never had a single problem.

Jack took his father's advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing - took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn't possibly wear them.

"Exactly," replied Jack. "I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don't want you to forget that".

Jill paused and removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. "Try these on," she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.

"I can't possibly get into your knickers," said Jack.

"Exactly," replied Jill.

"And if you don't change your bl**dy attitude, you never will."

 

[martyn2]

rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman "Can I have a pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie"

The barman is amazed but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and
cheese toastie.


The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie, he then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a Pint of
Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the
pub (because word gets round) gives the rabbit the pint and the
toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

The next night, the pub is packed, in walks the rabbit and says "A pint
of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman"

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie
and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down.

The next night there is standing room only in the pub, coaches have
been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending, the barman is making
more money in one week than he did all last year.

In walks the rabbit and says, "A Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese
Toastie, please barman", smiling and accepting the tributes of the
masses.

The barman says, "I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker but we are
right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties"
The rabbit looks aghast, the crowd has quietened to almost a whisper,
when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, "We do have a
very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie"

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, "Are you sure I will like it"

The masses bated breath is ear shatteringly silent.

The barman, with a roguish smile says, "Do you think that I would let
down one of my best friends, I know you'll love it"

"Ok" says the rabbit," I'll have a Pint of Beer and a Cheese and Onion
Toastie"

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the
toastie, he then waves to the crowd and leaves. NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

One year later in the now impoverished public house, the barman (who
has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his, calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form,
floating above the bar.

The barman says, "Who are you" to which he is answered," I am the ghost

of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house"
The barman says," I remember you, you made me famous, you would come in
every night and have a Pint of Beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie,
masses
came to see you and this place was famous"

The rabbit says, "Yes I know"
The barman said, "I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham
and Cheese Toasties, you had a Cheese and Onion one instead"

The rabbit said "Yes, you promised me that I would love it" The barman
said "You never came back, after that fateful night, what happened"

"I DIED", said the Rabbit.
"Bugger" said the barman," what from".
After a short pause the rabbit said...






Mixing Me Toasties!!!!



I'll get me coat


martyn

 

[DaveL]

 

[Richard in Smithville]

Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."
The second old guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."
The first old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?
The second old guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, big busted, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?"
The first old guy says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

 

[Jaco]

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card-table with neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "*****! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie, or that you insult me. I will show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a lovely restaurant.

Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Arab staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Four hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the Jewish man was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two miles over that hill. Could you not find it?

"I found it all right," rasped the Arab. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie!"

 

[Jaco]

OSAMA AT THE PEARLY GATES

When Osama bin Laden died, he was met at the Pearly Gates by George Washington, who slapped him across the face and yelled, "How dare You try to destroy the nation I helped conceive!"

Patrick Henry approached, punched him in the nose and shouted, "You wanted to end our liberties but you failed."

James Madison followed, he kicked him in the groin and said, "This is why I allowed our government to provide for the common defense!"

Thomas Jefferson was next, beat Osama with a long cane and snarled, "It was evil men like you who inspired me to write the Declaration of Independence."

The beatings and thrashings continued as George Mason, James Monroe and 66 other early Americans unleashed their anger on the terrorist leader.

As Osama lay bleeding and in pain, an Angel appeared. Bin Laden wept and said, "This is not what you promised me."

The Angel replied, "I told you there would be 72 Virginians waiting for you in Heaven. What did you think I said?"

 

[Jaco]

The Dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they
decide to go the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his
hands.

He then takes off his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes---how did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have finished, the girl says, "You must be a good

dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist.
How did you figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

 

[Jaco]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian .

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that patrolled the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm bored and frustrated at being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten" .

As Justin had his mind firmly on becoming a predator, a mysterious cod appears and says, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time went on and Justin found himself becoming bored and lonely as a shark. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight. While out swimming alone one day he sees the mysterious Cod again and can't believe his luck. Justin figured that the fish could change him back into a prawn.

He begs the cod to change him back, so lo and behold, he is turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes, Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a ####tail. (The punch line does not involve a prawn ####tail - it's much worse). Looking around the gathering at the reef, he searched for his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain, he set off to Christian's house. As he opened the coral gate the memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied "No way man, you'll eat me. You're a shark, the enemy and I'll not be tricked."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed........






I've found Cod, I'm a prawn again Christian.

….

 

[Jaco]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog
said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes."
The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you
wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman said, "That's
okay."
For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make
your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women
will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the
most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."
So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world! For her second
wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will
be ten times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because
what's mine is his, and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the
richest woman in the world!
The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd
like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers:
This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers:
Please scroll down.











The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart.
Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show.

 

[Jaco]

God Said, "Adam, I want you to do

something for me."


Adam said, "Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?"


God said, "Go down into that valley."


Adam said, "What's a valley?"


God explained it to him.


Then God said, "Cross the river."


Adam said, "What's a river?"


God explained that to him, and then said, "Go over to the hill......."


Adam said, "What is a hill?"


So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.


He told Adam, "On the other side of the hill you will find a cave"


Adam said, "What's a cave?"


After God explained, he said, "In the cave you will find a Woman."


Adam said, "What's a woman?"


So God explained that to him, too.


Then, God said, "I want you to reproduce."


Adam said, "How do I do that?"


God first said (under his breath), "Geez....."


And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.


So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.


Then, in about five minutes, he was back.


God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, "What is it now?"


And Adam said


*



"What's a headache?

 

[Jaco]

Yea right, as if you are the sharpest tool in the workshop.

Yea right, as if you are the brightest bulb in the chandelier.

Yea right, which portrait painter rejected you?

Wonder why the Louvre rejected your portrait?

With a body like that, have you considered leaving it to Medical Research?

With legs like that, did you work at the harbour?

With legs like that, did you work in the railway shunting yard?

Which orphanage expelled you?

 

[RogerS]

How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?

"Change? Change? What's change?"

 

[Jaco]

Saddam Hussein was sitting in his office wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.

"Hallo Mr Hussein!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy, down at the Harp Pub in County Sligo, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!"

"Well, Paddy" Saddam replied "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?"


"Right now" said Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is myself, my cousin Sean, my next door neighbour Seamus and the entire dart team from the pub. That makes eight!"

Saddam paused. "I must tell you Paddy, that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begorra!" said Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back!"

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy called again. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be, Paddy?" Saddam asked.

"Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer and Murphy's farm tractor."


Saddam sighed. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 16,000 tanks

And 14,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 1-1/2 million since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" said Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you"

Sure enough, Paddy rang again the next day. "Mr. Hussein, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We've modified Harrigan's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from Shamrock Pub have joined us as well!"

Saddam was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 1,000 bombers and 2,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I've increased my army to TWO MILLION!"

"J, Mary and Joseph!" said Paddy, "I'll have to ring you back".

Sure enough, Paddy called again the next day. "Top o the mornin', Mr Hussein! I am sorry to tell you that we have had to call off the war".

"I'm sorry to hear that" said Saddam. "Why the sudden change of heart?"

"Well," said Paddy, "We've all had a long chat over a bunch of pints and decided there's no ------n way we can feed two million prisoners."

 

[Richard in Smithville]

Sad news...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

 

[Taffy Turner]

Sad news...

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Kokey" died peacefully at the age of 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

For some reason that joke just cracked me up!! I am sitting here laughing out loud, and my boss is looking across at me wondering if I have gone completely bonkers!!!!

Taffy

PS - anyone know of any jobs for a soon-to-be-fired engineer??? :shock:

 

[RogerM]

Breaking news: There has been an explosion in a Gold Mine in South Africa. Rescuers rushed to the pit and fortunately no one has been killed, but one man had his leg blown of. As he was bought to the surface he cried out "I'm finished. Who on earth will want to take on a one-legged Gold digger like me"!

"Not me" Paul McCartney was heard to mutter.

 

[Richard in Smithville]

This has been saved in my 'puter for about three years.

* A few french fries short of a Happy Meal.
A modest little person, with much to be modest about. -- Churchill
* A photographic memory, but out of film.
* A room temperature IQ.
All the lights don't shine in her marquis.
All the *** appeal of a wet paper bag.
Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
An ego like a black hole.
Attic's a little dusty.
Bad spot on the disk.
* Been napping in front of the ion shield again.
Been playing with his wand too much.
Been playing with the pharmacy section again.
Been short on oxygen one time too many.
Born a day late and like that ever since.
* Born ugly and built to last.
* Both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat.
Bright as Alaska in December.
Bubbles in her think tank.
* Can be outwitted by a jar of Marshmallow Fluff.
* Cursor's flashing but there's no response.
Doesn't just know nothing: doesn't even suspect much.
Donated her body to science... before she was done using it.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top floor / penthouse.
End of season sale at the cerebral department. -- Gareth Blackstock
Finds a flat by swapping tires.
* Fired from McDonald's for having a short attention span.
* Full throttle, dry tank.
Gets hypnotized on the despun section.
Goalie for the dart team.
Has a one-way ticket on the Disoriented Express.
Having a party in his head, but no one else is invited.
He's diagnosable.
He's in, but he's out to lunch.
His buffer is full.
His system administrator is never in.
If brains were bird droppings, he'd have a clean cage.
* If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
* If he had half a brain, his butt would be lopsided.
* If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.
* If his IQ was two points higher he'd be a rock.
* If they knock heads, implosion will suck all the air out of the room.
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's practically invulnerable.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
In need of a ROM upgrade.
Lights are on but nobody's home.
Little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend /
jumped the track.
Living proof that nature does not abhor a vacuum.
* Mind like a steel sieve.
Mind like a steel trap -- everything gets mangled / full of mice /
nothing in, nothing out / rusted shut.
Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
No one at the throttle.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
* One taco short of a combination plate.
Only one oar in the water.
Operating in stand-by mode.
* Ought to have a warning label on his forehead.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Plays solitaire... for cash.
* Reading from an empty/blank/unformatted disk.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
* Result of a first cousin marriage.
Sat under the ozone hole too long.
Slept too close to his radium-dial watch.
* So stupid, mind readers charge her half price.
* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
* Someone blew out his pilot light.
Someone else is doing the driving for that boy.
Source code is missing a few lines.
Swimming in the shallow end of the gene pool.
Switch is on, but no one's receiving.
Teflon brain -- nothing sticks.
The going got weird, and he turned pro.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun shining between his ears.
Train of thought derailed / still boarding at the station.
Trying out for the javelin retrieval team.
* Was first in line for brains, but ended up holding the door open.
Wasn't strapped in during launch.
Zero K memory.

 

[RogerS]

David Beckham and Victoria return from holiday and are being interviewed.

"Well, David...did you have a good holiday?"

"Well..yeah..like...yeah...really great"

"Did you do anything interesting?"

"Well...yeah...like...yeah..yes"

"OK...such as what? Did you have any great meals out?"

"Well...yeah..like..yeah..yes"

"Would you like to tell us about your favourite restaurant?"

"Well..yeah...like..yeah...remind me of a London railway station"

"Paddington?"

"Nah..that's not it"

"Waterloo?"

"Nah....that's not it"

"London Bridge?"

"Nah...that's not it eiver"

"Victoria?"

"Yeah....that's it. 'Ere, Victoria, what woz that restaurant we went to?"


With apologies to David Beckham who does seem a really nice bloke :lol: