Jokes 2

[gwaithcoed]

Little lad comes in and says,

" Mommy,what's it called when one person lies on top of another?"

Trying not to panic she replies

"its called sexual intercourse"

"Oh" he replied and went back out

He returned sometime later and said

"You've got that all wrong Mommy, it isn't called sexual intercourse, its called









BUNK BEDS"





Alan

 

[Steve Maskery]

A husband was in BIG trouble when he forgot his wedding anniversary.

"Tomorrow," his wife angrily told him, "there had better be something in our driveway that goes from zero to 200 in two seconds flat!"

The husband thought and thought, and as he was watching his favourite show, an ad jumped out at him. "That's it!" he exclaimed to himself as he rushed out the door to get the present.

The next morning, the wife looked outside and saw a small package in the driveway. She brought it inside, opened it and found a brand new bathroom scales.


Funeral services for her husband have been set for Saturday.

 

[Travis Byrne]

Canadian logging company needed to hire another lumberjack, the first guy to apply was a short little skinny fellow, who was laughed at by the manager and told to leave.

"Just give me a chance," the little guy pleaded.

" Okay," the manager replied, " Grab your axe and cut down that cedar over there,"

Two minutes later he was back at the managers office, " Trees cut, do I get the job?"

" I don't beleive it, that is so much faster than even my best lumberjack could have done it, where did you learn to use an axe like that ?" the manager inquired.

" Sahara Forest," the little guy replied.

" Don't you mean the Sahara Desert," the manager corrected him.

" Sure that's what they call it now."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fred was getting along in age and decided to go to the doctor for a check up. Due to years of using power tools in his shop he was deaf as a door nail so he had his wife accompany him.

" I will need a urine sample, a semen sample and a stool sample for some tests," the doctor informed him.

" What's he saying ?" he asked his wife.

" Says he wants your underwear for some tests,"


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
local construction company needed to hire another worker, two applicants had written an aptitude test and the foreman was informing the second person that the first person would be hired.

" There was ten questions, we both answered nine right, how come he got the job? " the applicant asked.

" Well." the foreman replied, " You both missed number five, but he answered, I don't Know, you answered, Neither do I."

===============================================
Three guys are eating lunch on a beam on the tenth floor of a construction site, " I'm so sick of ham sandwiches," says the plumber, If I get them one more day I swear I'll jump to my death."

" I feel the same way about this tuna," the electrician says.

" Ditto for lettuce and tomato," says the carpenter.

Next day when they open their lunches sure enough, they have the same sandwiches again, so over the edge they go.

At the funeral the plumber's wife says, " If I had only known he hated ham sandwiches."

The electrician's wife says, " Oh, if I had only known he hated tuna."

The carpenter's wife says, " I don't understand it, he made his own lunches."
**********************************************************
Old timer is looking at tools at the local building supply store, he picks up a hammer.

" Don't make these like they used to," he tells the salesman, " I've had the same one for over fifty years, just had to replace the handle six times and the head twice."

enjoy
Travis

 

[Blister]

Old man 70 is having trouble with his *** life , so goes to the doctors with the wife

Doctor he says I am having trouble trying to make love to the wife !!

Doctor somewhat surprised say OK the I need you to produce a sperm sample and gives him a jar , bring it back on Monday and I will do some tests

When the old chap gets home he goes upstairs , he ties with his left hand , then tries with his right hand , then tries with both hands , Nothing

So He calls downstairs to the wife , You will have to give me a hand love

She tries with her left hand , then tries with her right hand , the with both she even tries with her mouth , nothing !!!!

What can we do now he asks ??

I know says the wife , I will ask Nelly next door to come in and have a go ! , so off she goes . 5 mins later Nelly arrives

She tries with her left hand then her right , the tries with both hand :shock:

No Matter what they tried they could not get the lid off that Jar !!! :lol:

 

[gwaithcoed]

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've
got some bad news for you"

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me
some good news for once!"

"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not
sterile..."

Alan.

 

[LyNx]

Two Mexicans have been lost in the desert and are knocking at death's
door.

As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or such
like, they suddenly spy a tree in the distance through the heat haze.

As they get closer, they can see that the tree is draped with rasher
upon
rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy
nearly- raw bacon, all sorts.

Hey, Pepe" says the first hombre (Don Pedro). "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're
saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.
So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect
of
food. But as he gets to within five feet of his Babylon, there's the
crack
of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.
His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying
Pepe. "Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"
With his dying breath Pepe calls out...
"Agh, run, am igo, run!!
Ees not a Bacon Tree............








Ees a Ham Bush"

 

[LyNx]

Not a joke these were for real, but funny.


These are from a book called Disorder in the Court, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place........

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo or the
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.


Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he
doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.

Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

Saved the best one for last..................


Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began
the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law
somewhere.

 

[LyNx]

Another one.

BEST LAWYER STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE AND PROBABLY THE CENTURY!!

Charlotte, North Carolina. USA.

A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars and without yet having made even his first premium payment on the policy the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company. In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost "in a series of small fires."The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued.. and WON!

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.The judge stated, nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable"fire", and was obligated to pay the claim! Rather than endure lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars lost in the "fires".

NOW, FOR THE BEST PART..

After the lawyer cashed the cheque, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!! With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This is a true story and was the First Place winner in the recent Criminal Lawyers Award Contest!

 

[CHJ]

1. What Outranks a Princess?

A British Airway's passenger cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone into a good mood as he served them food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers: "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays,that would be super."


On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a well-dressed rather exotic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute
engines." he said, "I asked you to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground"

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess. I take orders from no one."

To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up *****."

 

[CHJ]

2. A message from John Cleese to the citizens of the United
States of America:


In light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of
you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect: You should look up "revocation" in the OxfordEnglish Dictionary. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise. Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to Acceptable levels. (look up vocabulary).

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen.

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

4. You will learn to resolve personal isues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

7. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

8. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) - roughly $6/US gallon. Get used to it.

9. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

10. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

11. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

12. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

15. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 21% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

16. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

17. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from
Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

18. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 PM with proper cups, never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in season.


Thank you for your co-operation... AND...
God Save the Queen

 

[CHJ]

3. In honour of Stupid People . .

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
(well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off Those bulldozers.)


On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
(That's the only time I have to work on my hair.)


On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)


On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be???....)


On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion:
Defrost."
(but, it's just a suggestion.)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me time?)

On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(..I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to what?)

On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)


On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions:
Open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: say what?)


On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)


Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn :lol:

 

[LyNx]

Posted on another forum -

The Dam

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Pennsylvania Department of Environmental Quality, State of Pennsylvania. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming county

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity.

A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.

Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,

David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division.

Here is the actual response sent back by Mr. DeVries:


Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Lycoming County

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget Lane, Trout Run, Pennsylvania.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam proje ct any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:

(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or

(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Pennsylvania Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is, aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond

Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment t (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality, health, problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.

If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! The bears are not careful where they dump!

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.

 

[Colin C]

:lol:
That is one class letter

 

[LyNx]

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office

Brilliant :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[Steve Maskery]

Oh, How I wish I'd written that.

To be a bit OT (can one be OT on an OT forum?) the irresposible dog owner I complained about a few months ago, and who challenged the fixed penalty notice and elected tot go to courst, has now paid his fine. I wasn't relishing having to go to court, but Iwas prepared to. Now I don't have to.

I've also seen the same bloke walking the same dog - only now he carries a poop bag. Result!

Edit - I've just read what I've written. I should perhaps point out that it was the bears that led my train of thought!

 

[Colin C]

Steve

I am glad it was sorted but I have still to catch the person that is letting the dog mess my drive ( I have two kids 8 and 6 :evil: ), plus there was poo in front of the school gates.

Not a happy camper but that letter does make it a little better

 

[Paul Chapman]

Really enjoyed that, LyNx :lol: :lol:

Cheers :wink:

Paul

 

[CHJ]

Cool Cat

 

[Johnboy]

Unusually for this type of letter sent around on the internet the dam letter appears to be real. link to Snopes

John

 

[woodbloke]

LyNx - Dam fantastic - Rob