Jokes 2

[CHJ]

Satan

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.

Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?"

The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't." said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill! with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

Did you know that I could cause you profound horrifying, AGONY for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope," said the old man.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 22 years."

 

[DomValente]

That one's going to my brother in law. :twisted: :twisted:

 

[CHJ]

Hunting


A father and son went hunting together for the first time.

The Father said:

"Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field."

A few minutes later the father heard a blood curdling scream and ran back to his son.

"What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet."

The boy, bless his heart, answered;

"Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck.

I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me.

I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat.

I didn't cuss or scratch when the poison oak started itching.

But when the two squirrels crawled up my pant legs and said,

"Should we eat them here or take them with us?'"


Well, I guess I just panicked......."

 

[chiba]

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery. Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure. "I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, I promise it won't happen again. Now what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man replied...

 

[CHJ]

Excuse the Rank references, I worked with friends from across the Pond for some years.

On some air bases the Air Force is on one side of the field and civilian aircraft use the other side of the field, with the control tower in the middle. One day the tower received a call from an aircraft asking, "What time is it?"
The tower responded, "Who is calling?"
The aircraft replied, "What difference does it make?"

The tower replied, "It makes a lot of difference........ If it is an American Airlines flight, it is 3 o'clock. If it is an Air Force plane, it is 1500 hours. If it is a Navy aircraft, it is 6 bells. If it is an Army aircraft, the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 3.
If it is a Marine Corps aircraft, it's Thursday afternoon and 120 minutes to "Happy Hour."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

During training exercises, the lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced colonel at the wheel "Your jeep stuck, sir?" asked the lieutenant as he pulled alongside. "Nope," replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys, "yours is."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door. Conscious of his new position, the colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir." Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook up your telephone."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Officer: "Soldier, do you have change for a dollar?"
Soldier: "Sure, buddy."
Officer: "That's no way to address an officer! Now let's try it again!"
"Soldier. Do you have change for a dollar?"

Soldier: "No, SIR!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: How do you know if there is a fighter pilot at your party?
A: He'll tell you.

Q: What's the difference between God and fighter pilots?
A: God doesn't think he's a fighter pilot.

Q: What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a jet engine?
A: A jet engine stops whining when the plane shuts down.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An Air Force Chief Master Sergeant and a General were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves, when the barbers reached for some after-shave to slap on their faces.
The General shouted, "Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!"

The Chief turned to his barber and said, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Well," snarled the tough old Navy Chief to the bewildered Seaman, "I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy, you'll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and pee on my grave."

"Not me, Chief!" the Seaman replied. "Once I get out of the Navy, I'm never going to stand in line again!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."
The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained.

"Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in '44, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."

 

[CHJ]

Broke Back Deer Camp**

The guys were all at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you?" He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."

The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot.
They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. "Good morning," he said.

They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened?"
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night.
He sat up and watched me all night long."

 

[RogerS]

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas DPS Highway Patrol. The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of the and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?" The blondes all nodded. The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder.

Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a police officer, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities such as scars and so forth." So saying that, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?" The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!" The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!" The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde,stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?" "Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a  profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one  ear! You're excused too!" The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said,
"This is probably a waste of?time, but......" He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses. The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses." 

 

[RogerM]

-------------------------------PRESS RELEASE---------------------------------

HBoS plc is very pleased to announce that they are installing new "Drive Thru" Cash Dispensers.

To enable customers to gain maximum benefit from this new facility they have conducted intensive behavioural studies to come up with the appropriate procedures for their use.

AS FOLLOWS:

Procedures for MALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Wind down your car window
3. Insert your card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw
5. Retrieve card, cash, and receipt
6. Wind up window
7. Drive off

Procedures for FEMALE customers

1. Drive up to the cash machine
2. Reverse the required distance to align car window with cash machine
3. Re-start the stalled engine
4. Wind down the window
5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to find card
6. Turn the radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into machine
8. Open car door to allow easier access to cash machine due to its excessive distance from the car
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN number written on the inside back page
12. Enter PIN
13. Press "cancel", and re-enter correct PIN
14. Enter amount of cash required
15. Check make-up in rear view mirror
16. Retrieve cash and receipt
17. Empty handbag again, to locate purse and place cash inside
18. Place receipt in back of chequebook
19. Re-check make-up
20. Drive forward 2 metres
21. Reverse back to cash machine
22. Retrieve card
23. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder, and place card into slot provided
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off
25. Drive for 2 to 3 miles
26. On detecting smell of burning, release handbrake.

 

[greybeard]

A lady walked into a Mercedes dealership just to browse.
Suddenly she spotted the most beautiful car that she had ever seen and walked over to inspect it.

She bent forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, and unexpectedly a little fart escaped her.

Embarrassed, she anxiously looked around to see if anyone had noticed and hoped a salesperson didn't pop up right now.

But, as she turned back, there, standing next to her, is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greeted her, "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiled back and asked, "Sir, what is the price of this wonderful car?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replied, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just by touching it, you are going to s**t yourself when you hear the price."

 

[CHJ]

Seeing we are moving nearer to basement level again


Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks at the other one's penis and notices there's a
Nicoderm Patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to
put That patch on your arm or shoulder, not your penis."

The other one replies,

"It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."

*IF YOU LAUGH....YOU'LL GO STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!! *

 

[orangetlh]

An elderly couple hit hard times, the bills keep flooding in and they found it harder and harder to pay them. One day, at the end of his tether the husband tells his wife that they have no money left and she would have to go and work the streets. That night the wife dutifully does as shes told. When she arrives back home her husband asks her how much she made, £20.10 his wife says. 'Twenty pounds and ten pence, what tight so and so gave you ten pence' her husband asked. 'They all did' she replied

 

[RogerS]

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely
see over the dashboard.

As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. As they
did the stoplight was red but they just went on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing
it I could have sworn we just went through red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light
was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red,
but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was
getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red
and they blew right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know that
you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Hell.....! Am I driving ??

 

[Steve Maskery]

It was entertainment night at the Senior Center and
the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came
from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his
stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he
announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or
three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend
to hypnotize each and every member of the audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew
a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want
you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's
a very special watch. It's been in my family for six
generations."

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth
while quietly chanting: "Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch..."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back
and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch,
until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's
fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred
pieces. "****!" said the Hypnotist.


It took three days to clean up the senior center.

 

[CHJ]

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.
He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."
The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"


Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?" Slim says, "I feel just like a new-born baby.
"Really? Like a new-born baby?" "Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, "Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.
The other man said,

"What is the name of the restaurant?" The first man thought and thought and finally said, "What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... the one that's red and has thorns." Do you mean a rose?"
"Yes, that's the one," replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?

Hospital regulations require a wheelchair for patients being discharged.

However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman--already dressed and sitting on the bed with suitcase at his feet - - who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator. On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him. "I don't know," he said "She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown."

 

[SketchUp Guru]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything insight. Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves. Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey is doing now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!" said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he had to pass that cue ball, he measures everything first.

 

[Amateurrestorer]

Anyway two of my ex pupils go for a job in the police force and turn up at Doncaster nick for the interview.The first one goes in and the Inspector asks him what was his favourite subject at school. Thinking quickly he replied " RE " ."right then" says the cop" who killed Jesus Christ ", "no idea "was the reply ."well sod off and don't come back until you do".Off he goes and bumps into his mate on the way in " how did it go","fantastic I'm on a murder case already".

 

[Terry Smart]

An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room.The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.

The father said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother".

 

[Steve Maskery]

Fred was 83, but somehow he had still managed to marry the beautiful and gorgeous 25-year-old Charlotte.

The wedding was traditional, but Charlotte was a little surprised to find that Fred had booked separate, albeit adjacent, rooms for their honeymoon.

Just as Charlotte was getting into bed, however, there was a knock on the door. It was Fred.

Fred kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. The he got up and returned to his own room.

Charlotte thought it was a bit strange but she was so happy she put it to the back of her mind.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door.

It was Fred. He kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. Then he got up and returned to his own room.

Charlotte thought it was very strange but she was so happy she put it to the back of her mind.

Twenty minutes later there was a knock on the door.

It was Fred. He kissed her, told her how much he loved her and then did his matrimonial duty and privilege. Then he got up and was obviously planning to return to his own room, but Charlotte could keep silent no longer.

"Fred my Darling!", she cried. "I have had the pleasure of many men a quarter of your age, yet none of them has had your stamina to satisfy quite so well! You have made love to me three times and it's not yet midnight!"

"Have I?", replied Fred. "This Alzheimer's has got to be good for something!".

 

[DomValente]

So this gynaecologist decides he's fed up with his job and thinks he'll take a year out and do something totally different.
He flicks through the local paper and decides to take a course in car mechanics .
He loves it and by the end of the year is quite proficient
His tutor tells him he must now take a test, not wanting to offend he agrees.
On the day of the test the examiner asks him to remove the engine from a car and lay it out with it's constituent parts. This he does admirably.
Now put it back says the examiner. Again he does a great job.
Well done says the examiner in fact it's so good I'm going to award you a 200% score.
Being an intelligent man the gynaecologist says, you can't award 200% surely the most I can receive is 100%. ?
Normally you would be right says the examiner, but on this occasion I'm giving you 100% for taking the engine out and another 100% for replacing the engine.........through the exhaust

 

[Waka]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
>things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now

>published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while

>these exchanges were actually taking place.
>
>ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
>WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
>WITNESS: July 18th.
>ATTORNEY: What year?
>WITNESS: Every year.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
>WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: This
>myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
>WITNESS: I forget.
>ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you
>forgot? ____________________
>ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
>WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
>ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
>WITNESS: Forty-five years.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
>morning?
>WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
>ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
>WITNESS: My name is Susan.
>____________________
>
>ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
>sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
>WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
>WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
>WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
>WITNESS: Uh....
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
>WITNESS: Yes.
>ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
>WITNESS: None.
>ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
>WITNESS: By death.
>ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? ____________________
>ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
>WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
>ATTORNEY: Was this
>a male or a female?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
>notice which I sent to your attorney?
>WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
>people?
>WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
>WITNESS: Oral.
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
>WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
>ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
>WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
>autopsy on him!
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
>WITNESS:
>Huh?
>____________________
>ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, di! d you check for
a
>pulse?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began
>the autopsy?
>WITNESS: No.
>ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
>WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
>ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
>WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing
>law.