Joke Thread III

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'nuff said
 

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A Welsh farmer is leaning on his gate one morning. With him is his border collie and in the field next to him is his horse and one of his sheep.
A stranger comes walking past and greets the farmer then asks if the dog is his and would he mind if he talked to it. The farmer laughed, 'The dog can't talk.'
The stranger greets the dog and the dog says 'Good morning'. The farmer nearly falls over in surprise. The stranger asks the dog if the farmer treats him well.
'Not too bad,' says the dog. 'I get plenty of exercise, good food, a warm bed. Life could be a lot worse.'
The farmer is absolutely gobsmacked and is trying to get his head around hearing his dog talking when the stranger asks him if that's his horse in the field and would he mind if he spoke to it.
'The horse can't talk,' says the farmer, but with less certainty than before.
The stranger greets the horse and asks if the farmer treats him well.
'Not too bad,' says the horse. 'He saddles and rides me occasionally but he's not too heavy and he always gives me a good brush down after. I get plenty of feed, good stables and he puts me to the mare when the timing's right. Life's pretty good.'
The farmer is listening to all this with his mouth hanging open when the stranger asks if that's his sheep in the field and could he speak to it.
'Yes it's mine,' says the farmer. 'And before you start, that sheep's a bloody liar!'
 
A bloke with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He contacts a costume hire company and asks if they can send him something appropriate.
Two days later, a parcel turns up with a letter attached saying they've enclosed a pirate's outfit comprising a stuffed parrot and a spotted handkerchief which will hide his bald head. The bloke is angry that they should send him something that would emphasise his disability and returns the parcel with a letter of complaint and demanding something more appropriate.
A few days later, another parcel arrives containing a monk's habit and a letter saying the habit will hide his wooden leg and his natural baldness will only make the outfit more convincing. The bloke is incandescent with rage. Now they were drawing attention to his embarrassing baldness and he returns the parcel with another angry letter of complaint.
A few more days pass and another, smaller, parcel arrives enclosing a tin of golden syrup and another letter. Puzzled, he opens the letter and reads,
'Dear Sir, Please find enclosed tin of syrup. We suggest you pour this over your head and wait for it to harden. Then stick your wooden leg up your backside and go as a toffee apple.'
 
I've got a mate who was eating less and less meat over the past few years, and was in danger of becoming a full blown veggie.
I decided to have a serious talk with him.

Pleased to say that after a good long chat, I've managed to turn a Quorner!
 
Coastal communities up and down our shores are familiar with shipping disasters, large and small. My home in Norfolk is no different.

A dozen years ago, celebrated wreck deposited a diverse load of cargo. Notably, these included science equipment and packages of a mysterious substance.

No tern was left unstoned.
 
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