Bathing the cat

[Chris Knight]

Bathing the cat
1.Put both lids of the toilet seat up and add the required amount of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2.Pick up the cat and sooth him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5.Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6.Have someone open the door to the outside. Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.

7.Stand behind the toilet as far back as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8.The cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9.Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

I am always here to give you the best of tested advice in difficult times...

Sincerely, The Dog

 

[Anonymous]

:lol: :lol: :lol: Haven't laughed so much in ages! :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[PitBull]

Should you clean off any existing skiddies in the pan before washing the cat, or can you assume the cat will deal with these ???

 

[frank]

should i use a long haired or short cat what will give the best results , :?
here pussy pussy :twisted: :twisted:

 

[Chris Knight]

PB,

The cat is superb at removing these.

Frank,

It makes no difference as the long-haired variety will end up as short-haired anyway, following this method.

 

[Shady]

For improved drying, I have two terriers who will 'encourage' the cat during the drying phase... :wink:

 

[trevtheturner]

Tried that, Chris, but the cat seems to have disappeared. :shock: Only clean water when I lifted the lid. :roll: :roll:

Cheers,

Trev.

 

[thomaskennedy]

ROFL :lol: :lol:

Might have to try that on the cat that loves to roll in muddy puddles and goes swimming in our pond whilst trying to catch the fish :roll: :wink:

Ta, Tom

 

[aldel]

Been feeling really down, my server has gone bent and have been battling a terrible dose of the flu for over a week. Reading your post certainly lifted the black cloud and loosened the lungs for a few minutes!

Brilliant

Aldel

 

[Anonymous]

pure genius :twisted:

 

[Gill]

Here's a similar set of guidelines


Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don't try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain in a blink of an eye.)

Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey facemask, and a long-sleeved flak jacket.

Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the water.

Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product-testing experiment.)

Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life.

Cats have no handles. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more than two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He'll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record for cats is three latherings, so don't expect too much.)

Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That's because by now the cat is semi permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with you foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.

In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine.

You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn't usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath.

But at least now he smells a lot better.

 

[Philly]

Brilliant Gill
Those cats are crazy!
Oh, was watching Discovery (dreaming of new Norm episodes-dream on!) and saw another line for your motto-
Carpe fishing
Doh! :lol:
Cheers
Philly

 

[Gill]

another line for your motto-
Carpe fishing

:lol: Thanks for the chuckle, Philly . It's difficult to know how to write that one - perhaps carpe piscis might be okay for the fishy element, but I don't know the latin for chips. And fish of any sort without chips is a waste of time. At least, that's what H&L should be told :wink: .

 

[dedee]

would trying to mimic a carp be Carpe Phishing

Andy

 

[PitBull]

On a semi related note...

How To Give Your Cat A Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and apply gentle pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for glueing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus ***. Throw away T-shirt and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring Fire Brigade to retrieve cat from tree across road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to miss cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 2 pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to Casualty, sit quietly while doctor stitches finger and forearm and removes remnants of pill from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Call RSPCA to collect cat and ring pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

 

[Anonymous]

Gill,

How about carpe scobes (filings, chips, shavings or sawdust)?

Howard

 

[Gill]

Nice one, Howard . Does my signature block now read:

• Seize the day
  Seize the night
  Seize the beer
  Seize the fish and chips

:?:

Gill

 

[Anonymous]

Gill,

I was about to say yes, but there is a typo. It should be scobes.

Of course it could also mean fish and sawdust! :?

Howard

 

[Gill]

Whoops ! Error corrected - thanks for pointing it out, Howard.

I'm not worried about the possibility of confusing chips with sawdust. Anyone who eats from our local chippie usually can't tell the difference anyway .

Gill

 

[mahking51]

GillD
Off topic but might amuse you:

True story.
Many years ago my old dad was refused entry into a local golf club, basically because they thought he was a bit 'common'.
Anyway he brooded on this for some while and months later reapplied under a different name, turned up for the interview in a smart blazer with a special embroidered badge he had made.
The badge was a shield in four quarters; one quarter had a bunch of keys, the next vertical bars, the third was the MOD arrows and the last was a ball and chain.
The motto was perfect Latin:

AVE DUN SUM ARD LABOR

Was admitted to golf club no probs!
I still have the badge somewhere.
Regards
Martin