Another Joke

[mikej460]

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and room-service at a hotel in Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review.
Room Service (RS): "Morny. Ruin sorbees"
Guest (G): "Sorry, I thought I dialled room-service"
RS: "Rye..Ruin sorbees..morny! Djewish to odor sunteen??"
G: "Uh..yes..I'd like some bacon and eggs"
RS: "Ow July den?"
G: "What??"
RS: "Ow July den?...pry, boy, pooch?"
G : "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."
RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"
G: "Crisp will be fine."
RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"
G: "What?"
RS: "San tos. July San tos?"
G: "I don't think so"
RS: "No? Judo one toes??"
G: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes' means."
RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we bother?"
G: "English muffin!! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."
RS: "We bother?"
G: "No..just put the bother on the side."
RS: "Wad?"
G: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."
RS: "Copy?"
G: "Sorry?"
RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"
G: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."
RS: "One Minnie. *** ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem, tossy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy....rye??"
G: "Whatever you say"
RS: "Tendjewberrymud"
G: "You're welcome"

 

[Robbo3]

The Scottish Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door in Milngavie and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

"May I help you sir?" she asked.

The man replied, "I want to see Suzy."

"Sir, Suzy is one of our most expensive ladies Perhaps you would prefer someone else" , said the madam.

He replied, "No, I must see Suzy."

Just then, Suzy appeared and announced to the man she charged £5000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Suzy.

Suzy explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.

"There are no discounts. The price is still £5000."

Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Suzy, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Suzy and they went upstairs.

After their session, Suzy said to the man,
"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"

The man replied, " Edinburgh."

"Really," she said. "I have family in Edinburgh ."

"I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her Lawyer She asked me to give you your £15,000 inheritance."

 

[Garno]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Doug B]

 

[gwaithcoed]

Free to a good home. First edition of EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT EVERYTHING.
No longer needed, just got married wife already knows everything

 

[Robbo3]

A man went to his lawyer and said, "I would like to make a will but I don't know exactly how to go about it."

The lawyer said, "No problem, leave it all to me."

The man looked somewhat upset and said, "Well, I knew you were going to take the biggest slice, but I would like to leave a little to my children too!"

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

American Courts

ATTORNEY : Are you sexually active?
WITNESS : No, I just lie there.

ATTORNEY : What is your date of birth?
WITNESS : July 18th.
ATTORNEY : What year?
WITNESS : Every year.

ATTORNEY : What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS : Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

ATTORNEY : This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And in what ways does it affect memory?
WITNESS : I forget.
ATTORNEY : You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

ATTORNEY : How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS : Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY : How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS : Forty-five years.

ATTORNEY : What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS : He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY : And why did that upset you?
WITNESS : My name is Susan.

ATTORNEY : Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS : Did you actually pass the bar exam?

ATTORNEY : The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS : Uh, he's twenty-one.

ATTORNEY : Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS : Would you repeat the question?

ATTORNEY : So the date of conception (of thebaby) was August 8th?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS : Duh.............

ATTORNEY : She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY : How many were boys?
WITNESS : None.
ATTORNEY : Were there any girls?

ATTORNEY : How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS : By death.
ATTORNEY : And by whose death was it terminated?

ATTORNEY : Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS : He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY : Was this a male or a female?

ATTORNEY : Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS : No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

ATTORNEY : Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS : All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

ATTORNEY : ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS : Oral.

ATTORNEY : Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY : And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS : No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

ATTORNEY : Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS : Huh?

ATTORNEY : Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS : No.
ATTORNEY : How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS : Because his brain was sitt ng on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY : But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS : Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

 

[Doug B]

I‘m left wondering if Iceland will rethink their font choice next year

 

[Doug B]

 

[AES]

Sorry Doug, one of the worst things about dealing with "furriners" like I am these days, is we don't always get the "in" jokes. "Who the hell is Chris Rea" please? Genuine Q.

(Though looking at the "footbally" background in your pic, if by any chance he's got something to do with football, I wouldn't know anyway, foreigner or not)!

 

[Droogs]

@AES



But if you live in Kent the drive home after new years may be the road to hell

 

[Garno]

@AES



But if you live in Kent the drive home after new years may be the road to hell

Not heard this in years, suddenly gone all nostalgic.

 

[AES]

Ohhhhh, THATTTTTTT Chris Rea!!!!!!!! Why in hell didn't you say so in the 1st place?????????

Sorry Doug, I did know the song ('onest) but not sure if I ever knew that Chris Rea was the singer. Just put it down to my being "old n past it"

 

[Doug B]

Don’t apologise @AES I sent it to a friend who knows the song & the singer but admitted to googling Chris Rea as he was having a blonde moment.

 

[AES]

Thanks Doug. I'm afraid when I don't know/understand something, Googling isn't the 1st thing that comes to mind. These days I s'pose it should be though!

 

[Doug B]

 

[Robbo3]

 

[Sandyn]

I caught my son chewing on an electric cable, so I've grounded him!!