Bob Chapman
Established Member
What do you call a Spaniard with no balls?
A senorita
A senorita
Another Joke
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MrKenny
Member
if you take all the d's out of his name he'd be called Ewar Woowoo..
Doug B
Shy Tot
sploo
Somewhat extinguished member
Three sheep in a trenchcoat? Oh boy. You need to be careful about trying to get in to see films you shouldn't be watching 
Doug B
Shy Tot
bushwhaker
Established Member
A mother is driving a little girl to her friend's house for a play date.
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite"
"OK", the little girls says, "how much do your weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girls says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girls says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
"Mommy," the little girl asks, "how old are you?"
"Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age," the mother replied.
"It's not polite"
"OK", the little girls says, "how much do your weigh?"
"Now really," the mother says, "those are personal questions and are really none of your business."
Undaunted, the little girl asks, "Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
"That is enough questions, young lady, honestly!"
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
"My Mom won't tell me anything about her," the little girl says to her friend.
"Well says the friend, "all you need to do is look at her drivers license. It is like a report card, it has everything on it."
Later that night the little girls says to her mother, "I know how old you are, you are 32."
The mother is surprised and asks, "How did you find that out?
"I also know that you weigh 140 pounds."
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
"How in heaven's name did you find that out?"
"And," the little girls says triumphantly, "I know why you and Daddy got a divorce."
"Oh really?" the mother asks. "Why?"
"Because you got an F in sex."
bushwhaker
Established Member
So, another one
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate
father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to
arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be
here soon" Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby
photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, madam. I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good. I've made a speciality of
babies"
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"
After a moment, she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is
fun too; you can really spread out!"
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me"
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we
try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different
angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results"
"My, that's a lot of....." gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure"
"Don't I know it," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
baby pictures.
"This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London"
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their
mother was so difficult to work with"
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get
a good look"
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes," the photographer said, "And for more than three hours too. The
mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate.
Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the
squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean squirrels actually chewed on your,
um......equipment?"
"That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we
can get to work."
"Tripod?????"
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for
me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's
fainted!!"
Doug B
Shy Tot
Three workmates decide to go on holiday in Spain. For the first few days they live it up, drinking, partying and so on. But the money quickly dwindles.
The day before they are due to fly home they are flat broke, so they decide to go for a stroll along a quiet part of the beach because that is all they can afford. They find this strange old lamp and are about to throw it away, when they decide to give it a rub anyway.
Pop! A genie appears in a cloud of green smoke. "Hmm", he says. "I am only allowed to grant three wishes, so it's just one each I'm afraid".
The first guy says, "I'm fed up just being a factory worker with no prospects. I would like to be skipper of my own yacht in the Mediterranean, with a lovely companion, and a million pounds in the bank so it will all last". Pow! He disappears in a cloud of orange smoke to find himself on a shiny new 60foot yacht, beautiful sunshine and gorgeous waves. A cold beer is in his hand and a seductive bikini-clad blonde next to him. He checks his bank account with a state of the art mobile and finds, sure enough, he has a million pounds.
The second guy says "yeah, I hate boring low paid work". He decides to outdo the first guy. "I would like to live in a mansion on my own Pacific island, with servants to do all the work, a flock of lovely ladies and a billion pounds in the bank to fund it all". BOOM! He disappears in a cloud of red smoke. He finds himself on a sunlounger on a silvery beach, iced cocktail in hand while one beautiful woman massages his shoulders and another manicures his toenails. A servant in a white uniform walks down a marble stairway from a gleaming white house. He deferentially profers a silver tray on which is an envelope. The second guy opens it and finds it is a letter from his bank confirming he has £1billion.
The third guy says, "huh! I'm the supervisor of those two layabouts, and I want them back on the shop floor first thing Monday morning".
The day before they are due to fly home they are flat broke, so they decide to go for a stroll along a quiet part of the beach because that is all they can afford. They find this strange old lamp and are about to throw it away, when they decide to give it a rub anyway.
Pop! A genie appears in a cloud of green smoke. "Hmm", he says. "I am only allowed to grant three wishes, so it's just one each I'm afraid".
The first guy says, "I'm fed up just being a factory worker with no prospects. I would like to be skipper of my own yacht in the Mediterranean, with a lovely companion, and a million pounds in the bank so it will all last". Pow! He disappears in a cloud of orange smoke to find himself on a shiny new 60foot yacht, beautiful sunshine and gorgeous waves. A cold beer is in his hand and a seductive bikini-clad blonde next to him. He checks his bank account with a state of the art mobile and finds, sure enough, he has a million pounds.
The second guy says "yeah, I hate boring low paid work". He decides to outdo the first guy. "I would like to live in a mansion on my own Pacific island, with servants to do all the work, a flock of lovely ladies and a billion pounds in the bank to fund it all". BOOM! He disappears in a cloud of red smoke. He finds himself on a sunlounger on a silvery beach, iced cocktail in hand while one beautiful woman massages his shoulders and another manicures his toenails. A servant in a white uniform walks down a marble stairway from a gleaming white house. He deferentially profers a silver tray on which is an envelope. The second guy opens it and finds it is a letter from his bank confirming he has £1billion.
The third guy says, "huh! I'm the supervisor of those two layabouts, and I want them back on the shop floor first thing Monday morning".
Doug B
Shy Tot
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place:
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word.
So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, "Wear sun-block."
Doug B
Shy Tot
Sachakins
The most wasted of days is one without woodwork
There used to be a 5th guy, but he was last seen in IKEA, dutifully walking behind his wife. Apparently he now has a 2 inch fishing hook on a feeder line which she skillfully inserted into his love stick. A quick yank on the line and he immediately follows her, its 2 yanks to go, 1 yank to stop and 20 yanks if he even thinks about going fishing.
Doug B
Shy Tot
MARK.B.
Established Member
Doug B
Shy Tot
A man went to Harley Street in London, having seen an advertisement for a Gynaecologist's Assistant.
Knowing that nowadays job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested; so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage and finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and, if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
She answered, "No, that's where the end of the queue is."
Knowing that nowadays job advertisers aren't able to discriminate against the applicant's gender, he was very interested; so he went in and asked the secretary for details.
She retrieved the file and read to him: "This job entails preparing ladies for the Gynaecologist. You will be responsible for helping them out of their underwear, laying them down and carefully washing their private areas, applying shaving foam to the necessary parts and removing all unwanted foliage and finally you'll be required to rub in soothing oils in preparation for the Gynaecologist's examination.”
Then she told him “The annual salary is £65,000 and, if you're interested, you'll have to go to Aberdeen ".
"My goodness!", exclaimed the man, "Is that where the job is?".
She answered, "No, that's where the end of the queue is."
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