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A bloke walks into a pub and sits at the bar. He puts a travel bag on the bar top and asks the barman to be careful not to move it. 'Why, what's in it?' asks the barman. The bloke opens the bag and takes out a miniature grand piano and places it on the bar top. The he holds open the bag and out...

A kid asks his father how he came to be. The father, a Millennial, said 'Well son, your Mum and me first got together in an on-line chat room and after a few weeks, we arranged a date via email and met in a Cyber Café. We sneaked off into a private chat room and Googled each other until she...

A cat and a dog were arguing over who was man's favourite pet. The dog claimed it must be dogs as humans liked them them so much, they had named a body part, the canine teeth, after them. The cat said 'You do know you're on a loser, here, don't you?'

A grizzled old prospector arrives in town after six months alone in the hills panning for gold. He ties his mule to the hitching rail and walks into the saloon. The place is empty except for the bartender who is polishing glasses. 'Give me a shot of red eye,' he says to the bartender and...

They used to say the same about Linda McCartney but she seemed to be the best thing that happened to PM. Better than that gold digger he wound up with later.

You're a brave man. I wouldn't dare to buy shoes for my wife. Whatever I got would be wrong.

Not a joke but a conversation reported by a bloke on another (non-woodworking) forum between his wife and a friend. It went something like this. 'Hi Doreen.' (followed by general chit-chat and exchange of gossip) then; 'Have you got the movie Gladiator on DVD? That's right, the one with Russel...

A bloke is watching the Big Match when his phone alerts him to a text. It's his neighbour, Derek. Graham. I have to tell you I've been tapping your wife for the past three months. I'm terribly ashamed of it and I promise I've stopped and it won't happen again. Please accept my apologies. Derek...

A bloke kicks open the door to the pub and walks in waving a handgun. The place falls silent as he glares around the room and says, 'This is a Colt 1911 with a seven round magazine and one in the chamber and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife!' The place was silent, then a small...

What a shame! You missed all the action. I'll see if I can dig out the photos.

Mrs O'Reilly went to see her doctor and asked him if he could do anything for her husband who no longer had a *** drive. 'Have you tried Viagra?' the Doctor asked. 'He won't swallow pills, Doctor,' she said. 'Well, you're in luck,' says the Doctor. 'They've just developed Viagra in liquid form...

With The Who 'I Can See For Miles' as an encore maybe?

What did they sing?

A refuse collector (known as a 'Garbo' in this part of the world) notices that a recently occupied house hasn't put a bin out since they moved in. Being of a kindly disposition he thinks he'd better check and knocks on the door. It takes a while, but eventually the door is opened by a Chinese...

I like the wee instruction to 'Aim Higher.' Not after you've just kissed my hemorrhoids, you won't.

When you academic types have quite finished discussing the finer points of punctuation, CAN I TELL A JOKE PLEASE! Sorry I had to shout. (Waits for chatter to die down, which it eventually does except for Stuart in the back who keeps asking his neighbour, 'What did he say? What's he talking...

Recently had the same problem with an Indo Mahogany table. Not enough attention/allowance had been paid to wood movement. Took a lot of work with a cabinet scraper but the results were worth it. Like to see a pic when you've finished. Pete

My piles have been giving me gyp recently and the ointments my doctor has been prescribing don't seem to have much effect so I decided to try one of those 'alternative' practitioners. She advised me to use cold teabags as a compress as these would help reduce the swelling and ease the pain. I...

I'm going to stick my neck out here and predict that 'Stuart' will become the OED 'Word of the Year' in 2023 meaning 'to be in a state of bewilderment or utter confusion'.

No, that's a Stuart for me also.