barkwindjammer
Established Member
Next generation of RN Ships
Details have been
released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting
ships: The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new fleet
of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships of this class
HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the HM Ships naming committee have, after
intensive counselling, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The final
four ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS
Apologist.
Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the
needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry,
and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment,
equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.
They will be
able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities.
For instance, the new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair
access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of
anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress
counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its
own onboard industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women,
and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of
37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!
All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped
with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the Gay
Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its
traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash"; out goes the occasional
rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains:
this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still
be available but only by request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a
variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has
been abolished because it is elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal
"Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages
and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow
beards or moustaches - this applies equally to the women.
The MOD is
working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways
"Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive
to minorities.
The newly-renamed HMS Cautious is due to be
re-commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide
into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the
Royal Marines. Sea Trials are expected to take place, when she sets out on her
maiden mission. She will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across
the channel to ports on the south coast.
The Prime Minister said that
"While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also
capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation.
His final
words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"
Details have been
released regarding Britain's introduction of the next generation of fighting
ships: The Royal Navy is proud of the cutting edge capability of the new fleet
of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships of this class
HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the HM Ships naming committee have, after
intensive counselling, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The final
four ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS
Apologist.
Costing £750 million, they have been designed to meet the
needs of the 21st century; in addition to state of the art technology, weaponry,
and guidance systems, the ships will comply with the very latest employment,
equality, health & safety and human rights legislation.
They will be
able to remain at sea for several months and positively bristle with facilities.
For instance, the new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair
access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of
anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress
counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day, and each ship will have its
own onboard industrial tribunal.
The crew will be 50/50 men and women,
and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race,
gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of
37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules even in wartime!
All bunks will be double occupancy, and the destroyers will all come equipped
with a maternity ward and crèche, situated on the same deck as the Gay
Disco.
Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be
allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its
traditional reputation for "Rum, Sodomy and the Lash"; out goes the occasional
rum ration which is to be replaced by Perrier water, although sodomy remains:
this has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still
be available but only by request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a
variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.
Saluting officers has
been abolished because it is elitist, and is to be replaced by the more informal
"Hello Sailor". All notices on boards will be printed in 37 different languages
and Braille. Crew members will no longer be required to ask permission to grow
beards or moustaches - this applies equally to the women.
The MOD is
working on a new "Non specific" flag based on the controversial British Airways
"Ethnic" tailfin design, because the white ensign is considered to be offensive
to minorities.
The newly-renamed HMS Cautious is due to be
re-commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury
Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide
into the water to the tune of "In the Navy" by the Village People played by the
Royal Marines. Sea Trials are expected to take place, when she sets out on her
maiden mission. She will be escorting boat loads of illegal immigrants across
the channel to ports on the south coast.
The Prime Minister said that
"While the ships reflected the very latest of modern thinking they were also
capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation.
His final
words were "Britain never, never waives the rules!"
