woodshavings
Established Member
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says, “Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The
other says, "Are you sure?” The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the
government's fault.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye-doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned
out to be an optical Aleutian .
She was only a whisky-maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class,
because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum
Blownapart.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking
into it.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like an apple.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on a head."
I wondered why the cricket ball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now
a seasoned veteran.
A backward poet writes inverse.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.
A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The
stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion
allowed per passenger."
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says, “Dam!"
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the
craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have
your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron.” The
other says, "Are you sure?” The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-
canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
When chemists die, they barium.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid.
He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.
Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club,
but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns.
It was a play on words.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a type-O.
PMS jokes aren't funny; period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
Velcro — what a rip off!
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
The earthquake in Washington obviously was the
government's fault.
