Jokes 2

[Jaco]

New Words for 2007

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and Then leaves.

* ASSMOSIS.
The process by which people seem to absorb success and advancement by sucking up to the boss rather than working hard.

* SALMON DAY.
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on. (This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SITCOMs.
Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids or start a "home business".

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* ADMINISPHERE.
The rarefied organisational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the "adminisphere" are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve. This is often affiliated with the dreaded "administrivia" - needless paperwork and processes.

* GOING FOR A McSHIT.
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

* 404.
Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error message "404 Not Found" meaning that the requested document could not be located.

* AUSSIE KISS.
Similar to a French Kiss, but given down under.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just Made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from The outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* MYSTERY TAXI.
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10 Pinter in your bed instead.

* BEER COAT.
The invisible but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise At 3:00am.

* BEER COMPASS.
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after booze cruise, even though you're too drunk to remember where you live, how you got here, and where you've come from.

* BREAKING THE SEAL.
Your first pee in the pub, usually after 2 hours of drinking. After breaking the seal of your bladder, repeat visits to the toilet will be required every 10 or 15 minutes for the rest of the night.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's Got 4 buttocks.

 

[Jaco]

WHERE WOULD YOU BE:

IF - YOU HAD ALL THE MONEY YOUR HEART DESIRES?

IF - YOU HAD NO WORRIES?

IF - YOU CAME HOME AND THE FINEST MEAL IS AWAITING YOU?

IF - YOUR BATHWATER HAD BEEN RUN?

IF - YOU HAD THE PERFECT KIDS?

IF - YOUR PARTNER WAS AWAITING YOU,
WITH OPEN ARMS AND KISSES?


SO, WHERE WOULD YOU BE?






HELLOOooo!!!!!!!!!





YOU'D BE IN THE
WRONG FREAKING HOUSE!

 

[Jaco]

Nine words women use...

1.) Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
Right and you need to shut up.

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
Minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5.) Loud Sigh: This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
***** and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Send this to the men you know, to warn them about arguments they can
avoid if they remember the terminology.

Send this to all the women you know to give them a good laugh, cause they know it's true.

:lol: :lol:

 

[Steve Maskery]

A Nun gets into the back of a taxi and the journey is long. The taxi driver and the Nun start talking and after a while the driver becomes confident.

"You know", he says,"I've always wanted to know what it's like to kiss a Nun. May I kiss you?"

"Get away with you, begorrah", replies the Nun, but she also giggles.

The taxi driver persists, "But it's only a kiss, nothing more".

"Are you married?" asks the Nun.

"No", replies the driver, "I'm single".

"Well, alright", says the Nun, "but just a kiss, mind".

So the taxi driver pulls over, gets into the back and kisses the Nun in a passionate but very traditionally proper manner.

A couple of miles later the Nun notices that the driver has gone quiet, and looking in the mirror she can see a tear in his eye.

"What's the matter?" asks the Nun.

"Well", replies the driver, "I wasn't entirely honest with you. I am married, and now I'm ashamed of what I have done."

"That's all right", replies the Nun, "I've not been entirely honest with you either. My real name is Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party".

 

[Pip]

There was once a clairvoyant little boy, who could foresee the future.
One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa."
The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack.
A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma."
The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing.

A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God bless Mommy, goodbye Daddy."

His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armoured security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words, "Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully.

He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear?
The most awful thing – the milkman dropped dead on the back porch."

 

[Pip]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar... sat next to a woman and ordered
a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass
of champagne, too!"
"What a coincidence," the farmer says, "This is a special day for me,
I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me too, I'm also celebrating!" says the
woman.
"What a coincidence," says the man. As they clinked glasses the
farmer asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my
gynaecologist told me that I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man ... "I'm a chicken farmer, and for
years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying
fertilized eggs."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become
fertile?"
"I used a different ****," he replied.

The woman smiled and said, "What a coincidence”

 

[DomValente]

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made his usual announcement over the intercom.

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back, relax and..... OH MY GOD!!!!!"

There was a loud silence throughout the entire plane. For about 20 seconds, everyone sat frozen in their seats, staring up at the intercom speaker on the wall. Then, the captain came back on the intercom ....

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight-attendant brought me a cup of hot coffee and she accidentally spilled it into my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

An old man sitting somewhere near the back shouted,

"That's nothing ... You should see the back of mine!"

 

[Russell]

"Two women talking in hell"



1st woman: "Hi! My name is Wanda".

2nd woman: "Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die"?

1st woman: "I Froze to Death".

2nd woman: "How Horrible"!

1st woman: "It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I

began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What

about you"? 2nd woman: "I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected

that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the

act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV".

1st woman: "So, what happened"? 2nd woman: "I was so sure there was

another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house

looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the

basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the

beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became

so frantic that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died". 1st

woman: "Too bad you didn't look in the freezer- we'd both still Be

alive".

 

[Jaco]

Quiz for people who know everything


This is a quiz for people who know everything! I found out in a hurry that I didn't. These are not trick questions. They are straight questions with straight answers

1. Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

2. What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?

3. Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?

4. What fruit has its seeds on the outside?

5. In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear insi de the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn't been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?

6. Only three words in standard English begin with the letters " dw" and they are all common words. Name two of them.

7. There are 14 punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name at least half of them?

8. Name the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form except fresh.

9. Name 6 or more things that you can wear on your feet beginning with the letter "S."







Answers To Quiz:

1. The one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends . . Boxing

2. North American landmark constantly moving backwar d . Niagara Falls (The rim is worn down about two and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.)

3. Only two vegetables that can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons . . Asparagus and rhubarb.

4. The fruit with its seeds on the outside . . Strawberry.

5. How did the pear get inside the brandy bottle? It grew inside the bottle. (The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the entire growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.)

6. Three English words beginning with dw . Dwarf, dwell and dwindle.

7. Fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar . . Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.

8. The only vegetable or fruit never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh Lettuce.

9. Six or more things you can wear on your feet beginning with "S" . Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, skates, snowshoes, stockings, stilts.

PLEASE DO YOUR PART....... Today is National Mental Health Day. You can do your part by remembering to send an e-mail to at least one unstable person

Well, my job's done!


LIFE IS A JOURNEY.
ROLL DOWN THE WINDOW AND ENJOY THE BREEZE!!!

 

[Jaco]

TATTOO





A gay man decides to get a tattoo. On arrival to the tattooist he spots a
picture of Evander Holyfield.


"Oh! He's my favorite darling. Can you do him on the cheek of my assss?" he
asked the tattooist.


So it was done. On the way out of the store he spotted another picture on
the wall, this time Mike Tyson.

"Oh, good Lord!" the queer blurted out. "I just adore Iron Mike! Can you do him on my other cheek?"

So it was done. On returning home, his boyfriend says,

"Well, drop your trousers, give us a look."


He dropped his pants and showed his assss.


His boyfriend gasped and replied, "I think our relationship is over! I sure
as hell ain't getting in the ring with those two."

 

[Jaco]

A chicken farmer went to a local bar, sat next to a woman, and ordered a glass of champagne.

The woman perks up and says, "How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"

"What a coincidence," he said, "This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!," says the woman.

"What a coincidence," says the man.

As they clinked glasses he asked, "What are you celebrating?"

"My husband and I have been trying to have a child, and today my gynaecologist told me I'm pregnant!"

"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they're finally laying fertilized eggs."

"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"

"I switched cocks," he replied.

She smiled and said, "What a coincidence!"

 

[Jaco]

The Sportsman's Double

A man met an older woman at a club the other night.
She was a right sort for 57.

They drank a bit, had a bit of a snog & then she asked him if he'd ever had the Sportsman's Double?

"What's the Sportsman's Double?", the man asked.

"It's a mother and daughter three-some", she replied.

The man told her he'd never had the Sportsman's Double.

They drank a bit more, and then she told him that it was his lucky night.

He went back to her place.

She put the hall light on and shouted upstairs: "Mum, you still awake?"

 

[RogerM]

A man was spending the afternoon making wild passionate love to his secretary. Just as they had finished his mobile phone rang and it was his wife asking him to pick up some shopping on the way home, and where was he, and why wasn't he in the office? Stalling for time he said he'd tell her when he got home.

"What am I going to tell her?" he asked his secretary. "I'm hopeless at telling lies".

"Look" she said, "Just take your shoes outside and wipe them in the mud and it will all be OK".

The man did as he was told and then drove home.

"Where have you been?" demanded his wife.

"I cannot lie to you" he said. "I've been making wild passionate love to my secretary all afternoon".

His wife looked down at his muddy shoes. "Don't give me that rubbish you lying tow-rag" she yelled. "You've been playing golf haven't you!"

 

[SketchUp Guru]

This morning on the way to work I rear-ended a car at a light while not really paying attention. The driver got out...... He was a dwarf.

He said, "I'm not happy"...

And I replied, "Well, which one are you then?"

 

[matthewwh]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"
Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious Persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"
Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting ' England 'past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."
Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."
Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."
Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it........... full speed ahead."
Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."
Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest please."
Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
Nelson: "What?"
Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."
Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."
Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free environment for the differently abled."
Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."
Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."
Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
Hardy "Actually, sir, we're not."
Nelson: "We're not?"
Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for compensation."
Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."
Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"
Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"
Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."
Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy."

 

[cumbrian]

A man had the misfortune to suffer from chronic insomnia. He was an agnostic, and also dyslexic.




He used to lie awake all night wondering if there really was a dog...........

 

[Jim Linn]

A man's in his living room when there's a knock at the door. He opens the door but there's no one there. He's just about to close the door when he sees a snail on the step so he kicks it down the garden path.

Three weeks later there's a knock at the door. He opens the door but there's no one there. He's just about to close the door when he sees a snail on the step. The snail says "no need for that!"



Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

 

[SketchUp Guru]

All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Sven took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned! Sven just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dolt, your father, grandfather and great-grandfather were born in January; you were born in July."

 

[Anonymous]

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?

A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... Don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.


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Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.


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Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!


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Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.


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Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?

A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good !


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Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! Foods! are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?


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Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.


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Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

A: Are you crazy? HELLO ! Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!


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Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.


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Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!


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Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
"Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"

 

[Jaco]

The only cow in a small Kwa-Zulu town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the river in the Free State for R1500.

They brought the cow from the Free State and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy.

They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow.
However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.

They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An
attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in the Free State?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in the Free State?"


The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from the Free State."