Ground Control

[Travis]

Travis

 

[Jonzjob]

That's been around for a good while now, but just as funny. Ta for reminding me of it.

Here's a few more

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

"TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." "Centre, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

Control tower to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this.... I've got the little Fokker in sight."

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

A military pilot called for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked." Air Traffic Control told the fighter pilot that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach."

And this is my favourite!!

Allegedly, a Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

Allegedly the German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They, it is alleged, not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206. Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark,...... and I didn't land."

 

[Droogs]

Reminds me of some of the remarks that have supposedly appeared on the RAF form F800, used by pilots to to inform ground crew of faults.
Pilot: something loose in cockpit
crew chief: somthing tightened in cockpit

Pilot: Auto landing system faulty on this aircraft
Crewchief: Auto landing system not fitted on this aircraft

Pilot: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
Crewchief: Took hammer away from midget

 

[Jonzjob]

I spent 12 years filling F800s. Almost all on large transports, Comet 2 & 4Cs, Britannia, Belslugs, sorry Belfast and VC10s and saw several like those. The favourite was "something rattling in cockpit" The reply "something removed" and so on.

We were not allowed to use the letters NFF (no fault found) so it becamse unable to reproduce fault"??

 

[Phil Pascoe]

I always liked the one from The Reader's Digest many moons ago. The chap was sitting waiting for take off at a Middle Eastern airport (he declined to say which) when the hostess announced "We apologise for the delay, it is because the pilot doesn't like the sound of the engines. We're waiting until we find another pilot that does."

 

[Jonzjob]

If you've heard this before it's worth hearing again. If you haven't heard it then you have missed something quite special

Enjoy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KbUNzi58wM

 

[Homerjh]

always a chuckle to read

http://www.econrates.com/reality/schul.html

 

[Jonzjob]

I meant to say earlier when I posted the youtube for avid Gunson. The group name for the people he was talking to is a 'Wunch"

 

[mailee]

If you've heard this before it's worth hearing again. If you haven't heard it then you have missed something quite special

Enjoy

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KbUNzi58wM

That was the first time I had heard that and it was brilliant, had me in stitches. Very good thanks. :lol:

 

[Racers]

Hale and Pace

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IR9Zdgv2Kag

Pete