Divorce - relationship breakups

[Ali]

Although it's not technically divorce, about two sundays ago my world ended when my 14 year old relationhship with my girlfriend formally ended. We met when were at university and my whole life has been about being with her, trying to be together and build a life together. We have both lived apart and near the end things became very distant.

I have been very depressed about this and really struggled to get through these last two weeks. Sounds silly and probably not the best place to talk about this but would appreciate any wise advice from any older sages who have gone through similar journeys and can offer me some light at the end of the tunnel.

Waking up feels so hard without a purpose, I don't really know what I'm meant to be working for. How am I meant to go on

 

[John15]

Hi Ali,

Sorry to hear of your situation. I guess it's natural to feel really down when this sort of thing happens but time is a great healer so hang in there for a month or two and hopefully it won't seem so bad.

Wishing you Good Luck,

John

 

[Bod]

Been there, done that, got the tee shirt.
Know how you feel.
My advice, for what its worth.
You will feel lost, and want to get back into a relationship, try to wait about 6 months, by that time you will have settled down with yourself, and be much better company. (Equally avoid anyone who is less than 6 months out of a relationship, for the same reason.)

Bod
PS when mine failed, I had to learn what a washing machine and iron was!

 

[cedarwood]

As bod said know how you feel, been there done that got the tee shirt ha ha twice.
First time was hell felt just like you do now even to the point of thinking about ending it all and trying too.
Second time was still bad but we were going downhill for some time and the end was inevitable, so you pick up the pieces and carry on. (hammer)
Time as they say is a great healer and now more than ever you need friends and family for support.
On my third partner now and here's the thing I now live for me first and what I want to do in life, her indoors does the same and we get on fine.

 

[tobytools]

Sorry mate,
I'm not an old boy but I know loss, when ever you feel down or angry whack out a few mortices. By the time you are in a good place again you're be a top craftsman, works equally well with other joints.
I never followed my own advice but wish I had
Your look back in a year or so and say things weren't that bad...

Take care
TT

 

[dm65]

Hi Ali

Sorry to hear you're going through this and it doesn't sound silly to me and at least you've been brave enough to come out with it, it really doesn't hurt us menfolk to talk after all

If it helps, I did the same this year after nearly 20 years and believe it or not, I am now happily living on my own and finding out what xswmbo used to do and after nearly 8 months, am loving it though it's been an uphill climb

When I first left, I was also lost and remember wandering round a supermarket, completely alone and befuddled as I wasn't be trusted with the magical kitchen elements before so didn't have a clue what to put in the useful looking basket hanging by my side

The kids stayed with their mum so was also quite lonely at first, but a new life will soon build itself - you just need to roll with it, live day to day, who knows what will happen tomorrow, but also try not to live in the past

I am now settled, have no regrets and wish I'd done it sooner AND I now get on better with xswmbo than I have done for some time

Happy thoughts Ali, if you think you're now at the bottom, the only direction is up

 

[mailee]

Been there three times now and know how you feel. As above hang in there and things do get better. Good friends are a help and I found that throwing myself into work helped...(that was probably the reason for the break ups but anyway) it is a release and will help take your mind off it. HTH. :wink: Biggest problem now is there is not enough hours in the day what with all the house work too! :roll:

 

[Steve Maskery]

You have my sympathies, you really do.

I didn't get over mine anywhere near as quickly as the guys above, and the experience was the trigger for some fairly severe mental health problems. I am on the way up, but it is from a very low trough that I am not yet completely out of. Next week it will be five years and I feel as if I've put on fifteen in that time.

But it does actually get better, assuming you can survive it all. And whilst I miss the nice middle-class lifestyle I used to have, and I've lost a lot materially, I wouldn't actually go back, even if it were an option.

The hardest part is not seeing the friends I used to have, anything like as often, and some I thought were my best friends, not at all.

 

[whiskywill]

Been there too.

My wife of thirty years decided that the grass was greener elsewhere at a time when our lives were settling down nicely. Two sons had just finished university and we were on track to pay off the mortgage.

It was hell for a few months, both emotionally and financially, but eleven years on I have remarried (somebody else, younger, nicer and less wrinkled) and now have fourteen month old twins.

There is light at the end of the tunnel.

 

[lanemaux]

Not to sound heartless or anything , but your last line about feeling you have no purpose is the first problem. First purpose for you now is to get your smile back. Depression is one of the most difficult things to overcome that there is and for me at least it begins with admitting to yourself that you have a right to be happy too.Sounds simple but is not. Each person travels that road in his own way and advice from others , while offering ideas that may help , is just guidance for your journey.
Some things that don't help , those I can tell you about. Large amounts of alchahol don't work , I've tried. Being alone and brooding won't help as depression loves that atmosphere. Self prescribing is counterproductive in the extreme , trust me on that. So what does work? Again for each of us it varies , but a good start has already been made in talking with friends , both here in the forum and out in the tangible world . You will find that people do care about you and want to help. And the fact that they care is what will help. They will help you in realising that you have a purpose and a duty to feel better because doing so will help those that help you. Because in getting your smile back you affect those who care about you and help them find the smiles they depend on from you. And really , could you ask for a better purpose?

 

[Flynnwood]

Although it's not technically divorce, about two sundays ago my world ended when my 14 year old relationhship with my girlfriend formally ended. We met when were at university and my whole life has been about being with her, trying to be together and build a life together. We have both lived apart and near the end things became very distant.

I have been very depressed about this and really struggled to get through these last two weeks. Sounds silly and probably not the best place to talk about this but would appreciate any wise advice from any older sages who have gone through similar journeys and can offer me some light at the end of the tunnel.

Waking up feels so hard without a purpose, I don't really know what I'm meant to be working for. How am I meant to go on

You are not depressed.

Your world has not ended.

Look forward; not in the hindsight mirror.

 

[markturner]

Draw a line, move on..........don't depend on other people for your own happiness.

 

[RobinBHM]

Lots of advise here from wise people. Id just add, don't vegetate and dwell too much, get exercise and fresh air. And start a new woodworking project!

 

[heimlaga]

Ali
I am a man of rougly your age or maybe even a year or two younger. Batchelor who haven't yet found miss Right despite many attempts and one relationship that failed right after the beginning.

However I have seen so many relationships start and end amongst people of our age so I would say that anything is better than having a relationship with miss Wrong as such a relationship is doomed from the outset.
Some people are made to fit together while some aren't. It is just a law of nature. In the mainstream world of today young people tend to conceal parts of their personality and try to be the ones others want them to be. After a number of years in a relationship this becomes hard to bear and the relationship fails as the two do not fit together any more.

Now you need to start patching yourself together. Life is bearable even without love. I can testify to that. A bit empty though but not too bad after all. Once you have patched yourself together and settled into your new life there might even be a miss Right waiting for you behind the next hedgerow.

Good Luck!

 

[Ali]

Thanks to everyone for your help. I think I have been depressed and have been counting down the days until my counselling appointment this weekend. I have one final act to complete next week and hopefully then I will have some closure and be able to draw a line and move on.

I am still in a daze, feel like a zombie. I have sleeping issues and a lot of angst and pain - I just wish women realised the effect their actions have on men.

Is reassuring to hear stories of others who have been down similar roads and found a better future. I did make the mistake of making my life around her when I should have looked after myself. Thanks to all for the posts and the messages.

Love and good luck to all

 

[Bod]

Don't do anything, you can't tell your grandchildren about!

Bod