Dealing with the big C word

[8squared]

Would really like to hear any advice from those who have any experience of the matter.

As I write this my mum is in hospital and has been since Christmas eve after she went in for a check up.

She hadn't been well for a while so when we were told they were keeping her in for a bit that was of no surprise... then docs found a blood clot so she was going to in at least a week.

During that week things weren't right so tests were done other stuff was found including a cyst on her ovaries which now means a hysterectomy however as you would expect doctors consult each other and on my visit today chatting with my mum she mentioned she was starting chemo next week or just after but she kind of skirted around the matter as I'm her son and she probably doesn't want to worry me...

But if I'm not in the room she will open up to my missus... like today... doctors words were "we're pretty sure it is".

Knowing my mum is a strong minded person seeing her try to hold herself together isn't easy but I have no idea how to comfort her or what one does in this matter.

I lost two close relatives weeks apart two weeks before Christmas when I was 17 which I thought was hard to deal with.. and my partner is also a strong minded person and lost her mum to the big C when she was 14... but women deal with things different to us men.

Still some tests to do when the other issues have been sorted but it's looking very likely.

 

[mouppe]

Sadly I do have a similar experience to relate- my mother had cancer.

What advice are you looking for? Medically, I would suggest you find an oncologist you trust and stick with him. Emotionally, it helped me to have someone unrelated to talk to, particularly as I was living overseas and unable to see my mother frequently, be it a counsellor or a therapist.

For your mother, she needs all the rest she can get, as it will help her stay strong during chemo and recover as quickly as possible. My mother had a counsellor who really made a big positive difference and she was so appreciative to have found her.

Good luck with everything and keep positive. If you need anything else I can try to help further.

 

[Harbo]

From the recent ads on TV, more people are now surviving cancer than dying from it.

Last March I was diagnosed with Bowel Cancer - a great shock as I didn't feel ill at all!
It was Stage 3 and thankfully had not gone roaming elsewhere around my body.
There's not a lot you can do but go along with the advice of your Consultant/Surgeons and put your faith in them?
It was probably much harder for my wife and family to come to terms with it than myself.
I had it and I wanted it out of my body!
I was operated on in April (7.5hrs) and woke up with the tumour removed and an Ileostomy. This was " reversed" 3 months later (2.5 hrs op). Tissue tests and scans showed the cancer had not spread so I did not require any Chemotherapy.
I go for regular blood tests and scans and am still clear though it could be a couple of years before my bodily functions are working under full control.

It's early days for your Mum and it sounds like there's a long way to go and all is not lost?
All you can do is give your Mum love and support and be there through this difficult period. And have faith that all will be well! There's been big improvements in Cancer treatments over the years.
All the best.

Rod

 

[DiscoStu]

I echo what the others have said, but we are not the best people to talk to. Why not speak to some of the cancer charities who can really help your mum and yourself. In times like these we all need a good support network around us and there is plenty of help out there. If not for yourself then it's worth asking for your mum. Often people can be brave with family and tell them not to fuss etc but with a professional they are more likely to open up and then they will get the help they need.

 

[Stu_2]

Sorry to hear that mate. Both my Mum and wife had cancer, a few years ago. Fortunately, they both came through it. My Mum's attitude was much like your Mum's. She didn't want to worry anybody.

A lot of us blokes are not great at talking about these things. Well I'm not, anyway.

Positive thing is that the recovery rates are more better than they've ever been before.

Hope everything works out well for your Mum.

Cheers
Stu

 

[finneyb]

+1 for DiscoStu
contact details are on http://www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCanHel ... tAodzn8AjQ

HTH

Brian

 

[NikNak]

My heart goes out to you.... i lost my mum just last summer.

She was 80 but had a 'good innings'.... bringing up 7 kids in a 3 bed council house, and even took in foster kids for a while... :shock: :shock: all home cooked food, hand made clothes, and a bloody good whack round the ear when it was needed too....!!

Staying positive and remembering the good times certainly helped all of us.

You don't say how old your mum is.....

 

[8squared]

She is 59.

As she is strong minded I don't feel like have ever had to be there for her... so now that I do I feel somewhat uncomfortable which leaves me not knowing what to do... how do you keep someone's spirits up.

I'm keeping my fingers crossed its early stage and chemo is a just incase idea by the docs.

For now as everything isn't fully confirmed is why I think she doesn't want to talk about it but we will look for support services.

 

[dickm]

+1 for all the advice given, but particularly w.r.t. talking to and questioning the specialists. Knowing what is what and the different options is (at least for me) an enormous help. Knowing what is actually likely to happen stops you imagining far worse things.

 

[finneyb]

Without wishing to be mercenary, make sure she gets all the benefits that are due. It can be an expensive time especially if she had a job. http://www.macmillan.org.uk/HowWeCanHel ... dance.aspx may help.

Brian

 

[Phil Pascoe]

MACMILLAN
jfdi
Hope it goes well for you.

 

[lanemaux]

I agree with all of the above as far as good practical advice goes. One little intangible comes to mind though. I am a stage 4 prostate case and have been for 3and a half years now. My own mantra has always been positivity and humour (repeat as often as needed). This is not for healing powers but because being miserable spreads and helps nobody. That can affect getting better in my opinion. That brings me to people who put on a brave face...badly. Only really happened to me once , and that by a nurse in hospital. She pasted a false smile on her face that screamed "oh you poor man" and cooed nonsense a 4 year old would gag at. Picture nurse Ratched from Cuckoo's nest telling me "we must eat to keep up our strength". No blame to her , as she probably really was doing her best to be positive and was a poor actress with too much stress in a difficult job. But it stood out like a cockroach on a wedding cake! Lesson to be learned is to be genuine in dealing with Mom , She will appreciate it. Be cheerful with her , but be genuine about it, not acting. She must be pretty clever or she would not have raised you so well.

 

[dickm]

One other bit of advice to the OP - be very careful about looking up information about cancers on the web (and I include this posting in that). There is an awful lot of unnecessarily scary and often wrong stuff out there. Unless you are very unlucky, your Mum's oncologist will know the reality of the situation and is the best source of information.
If you do want to look stuff up on the web, then go via the charities that support whatever cancer is involved. They are careful to get the best information available, and usually keep it up to date. Be very wary of the Facebook groups.

 

[Random Orbital Bob]

I agree with all of the above as far as good practical advice goes. One little intangible comes to mind though. I am a stage 4 prostate case and have been for 3and a half years now. My own mantra has always been positivity and humour (repeat as often as needed). This is not for healing powers but because being miserable spreads and helps nobody. That can affect getting better in my opinion. That brings me to people who put on a brave face...badly. Only really happened to me once , and that by a nurse in hospital. She pasted a false smile on her face that screamed "oh you poor man" and cooed nonsense a 4 year old would gag at. Picture nurse Ratched from Cuckoo's nest telling me "we must eat to keep up our strength". No blame to her , as she probably really was doing her best to be positive and was a poor actress with too much stress in a difficult job. But it stood out like a cockroach on a wedding cake! Lesson to be learned is to be genuine in dealing with Mom , She will appreciate it. Be cheerful with her , but be genuine about it, not acting. She must be pretty clever or she would not have raised you so well.

I agree 100% with that advice and may I also say.......the very best of British luck in your battle.

 

[Jamie Copeland]

Would really like to hear any advice from those who have any experience of the matter.

As I write this my mum is in hospital and has been since Christmas eve after she went in for a check up.

She hadn't been well for a while so when we were told they were keeping her in for a bit that was of no surprise... then docs found a blood clot so she was going to in at least a week.

During that week things weren't right so tests were done other stuff was found including a cyst on her ovaries which now means a hysterectomy however as you would expect doctors consult each other and on my visit today chatting with my mum she mentioned she was starting chemo next week or just after but she kind of skirted around the matter as I'm her son and she probably doesn't want to worry me...

But if I'm not in the room she will open up to my missus... like today... doctors words were "we're pretty sure it is".

Knowing my mum is a strong minded person seeing her try to hold herself together isn't easy but I have no idea how to comfort her or what one does in this matter.

I lost two close relatives weeks apart two weeks before Christmas when I was 17 which I thought was hard to deal with.. and my partner is also a strong minded person and lost her mum to the big C when she was 14... but women deal with things different to us men.

Still some tests to do when the other issues have been sorted but it's looking very likely.

Hi

Sorry to read about your mum.

I'm a chemotherapy nurse in the north of England and would strongly recommend that you contact MacMillan Cancer Support on 08088080000. They also have a fantastic website which has a vast amount of easy to read and, most importantly, accurate information.

Please don't be shy to pick up the phone. They're a great resource.