Christmas Jokes

[Grahamshed]

Oy Vey

 

[nanscombe]

Somehow I think Jews might actually have a sense of humour otherwise these people would be out of a job.

Category:Jewish comedians
(259 entries)
Bud Abbot
David Baddiel
Sacha Baron Cohen
Roseanne Barr
Jack Benny
Mel Brooks
Marty Feldman
Stephen Fry
Jeff Goldblum
Jerry Lewis
The Marx brothers
Phil Silvers
...
And many, many more.

 

[Robbo3]

Well..... in these enlightened times I think we can do without the (frankly slightly racist and old fashioned) Jewish reference.
Steve

Out of the hundreds of jokes that I've been sent over the years only half a dozen were Jewish but there were many Irish & dumb blonde jokes & even more concerning ***.
There are even lists of jokes about Jews being told by Jews as well as Jewish joke websites, eg
- http://jewishjokes.net/
This is what they have to say about themselves,
- http://www.jmtventures.com/

 

[Robbo3]

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.

2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.

3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.

4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.

5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.

6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.

7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.

8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.

9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.


GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.

2) Wrinkles don't hurt.

3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.

4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.

5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.


GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.

2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.

3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.

4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.

5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.

6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.

7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.


THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.

2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.

3) You are Santa Claus.

4) You look like Santa Claus.


SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

At age 12 success is . . . having friends.

At age 16 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 20 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you a really good looking

At age 35 success is . . . having money.

At age 50 success is . . . having money.

At age 60 success is . . . having a girlfriend that thinks you are really good looking

At age 70 success is . . . having a drivers license.

At age 75 success is . . . having friends.

At age 80 success is . . . not peeing in your pants.

 

[joethedrummer]

Robbo,,,,very good,, I think a chuckle or two will occur at various times of the day when I think of those.
,,,,joe,,,

 

[wellywood]

A wife's husband has passed away and she visits the undertaker to view the body a few days before the burial.
She notices her husband is wearing an old, cheap black suit and as he has left her very comfortably off, she gives the undertaker a blank cheque and an instruction to get him something really nice to be buried in as long as it's not black.

On the day of the funeral she goes back to the funeral parlour and sees that her late husband is now sporting a beautiful blue Armani suit and when she thanks the undertaker he hands her back the blank cheque.
'But it must have cost a fortune!' she protests. 'And look at all the trouble you've gone to!'
'Not at all,' says the undertaker. 'I had another deceased husband and he was wearing the Armani. His wife said he had been a cheapskate all his life and it would be a crime to have him buried in such an expensive suit.
So I just swapped the heads.'

 

[Zeddedhed]

A wife's husband has passed away and she visits the undertaker to view the body a few days before the burial.
She notices her husband is wearing an old, cheap black suit and as he has left her very comfortably off, she gives the undertaker a blank cheque and an instruction to get him something really nice to be buried in as long as it's not black.

On the day of the funeral she goes back to the funeral parlour and sees that her late husband is now sporting a beautiful blue Armani suit and when she thanks the undertaker he hands her back the blank cheque.
'But it must have cost a fortune!' she protests. 'And look at all the trouble you've gone to!'
'Not at all,' says the undertaker. 'I had another deceased husband and he was wearing the Armani. His wife said he had been a cheapskate all his life and it would be a crime to have him buried in such an expensive suit.
So I just swapped the heads.'

Thanks a bunch Welly…..now please tell me how to clean biscuit crumbs, coffee and spit from a keyboard and screen.
=D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> =D> \/

 

[joethedrummer]

I bought the wife a new belt and bag for Christmas,,,, bet once she has got them fitted that old hoover will work fine again

 

[joethedrummer]

The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudhkxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh

 

[JustBen]

The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudhkxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh

 

[wellywood]

The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudhkxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh

Ouch! That sounded painful!

A bloke gets a job as a porter in a mortuary. On his first day he's being shown around by a fellow worker and notices three bodies lined up all with smiles on their faces. 'What's the story with these blokes?' he asks.
His guide points to the first body, an elderly bloke. 'He was in bed with his eighteen year old mistress when he had a heart attack.'
Pointing to the second he says 'That one had just won the lottery and he just keeled over.'
'What about that one!' says the newbie pointing to the third.
'Oh, that's Paddy. He was struck by lightning.'
'So why's he smiling!'
'He thought he was having his photo taken.'

 

[Jonzjob]

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stopped at three Ho's

How does a Jew celebrate Christmas? He puts a parking meter on the roof :-"

Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the bulb and seven to hold Rudolf down

Well..... in these enlightened times I think we can do without the (frankly slightly racist and old fashioned) Jewish reference.

Steve

So it's OK to take the weewee out of the Christians but not anyone else then? I'm just glad that I don't believe in any of them and I'll be glad when the pendulum has done its full swing and the PC brigade are non-PC anymore. I think that they couldn't have had any toys as children (hammer) (hammer) (hammer)

 

[joethedrummer]

'Oh, that's Paddy. He was struck by lightning.'
'So why's he smiling!'
'He thought he was having his photo taken.'[/quote]
OK so Paddy and Murphy are fair game,,,,,here we go

Paddy phones an advertising magazine and asks "how much is it to advertise?"
The lady replies "50p an inch"
Oh says Paddy "I can"t afford that"
The lady says "why what are you selling?"
Paddy says " a 30 foot ladder"

 

[wellywood]

OK so Paddy and Murphy are fair game,,,,,

It gets worse Joe. Paddy's surname was Cohen.

 

[AES]

The wife just came in and said if she catches me on that UKWorkshop forum again she will bang my head against the keyboarcchhidbfmjeyhgfijnnxcnlwudh #-o kxkiyajhkutysjuasdnutwhkyjh782ngx hsransigh

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

 

[MMUK]

Why is Santa so jolly? Because he knows where all the naughty girls live.

Why doesn't Santa have any kids? Because he only comes once a year and when he does, it's down the chimney.

Why are women's breasts like a train set a kid gets at Christmas time? Because they were originally made for children but the father wants to play with them.

What's the difference between Tiger Woods and Santa Claus? Santa stopped at three Ho's

How does a Jew celebrate Christmas? He puts a parking meter on the roof :-"

Why are Christmas trees better than men? Even the small ones give satisfaction

How many reindeer does it take to change a light bulb? Eight! One to screw in the bulb and seven to hold Rudolf down

Well..... in these enlightened times I think we can do without the (frankly slightly racist and old fashioned) Jewish reference.

Steve

Sorry if I offended you but I have Jewish ancestry and I wasn't offended in the least.

 

[wellywood]

A bloke is wheeled into Casualty, unconscious and covered head to toe in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck.
He eventually comes to and the Doc asks him what happened.
'Well Doc,' he says. 'I'm not exactly sure. I was having a round of golf with the lady wife. We hadn't played for some time so were both a little rusty. I was playing with my favourite Titleist ball and she was using a Dunlop. We'd teed-off and both managed to slice our balls into an adjacent farmer's field full of cows. We went hacking around to find the balls with no success until one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. Surely not, I thought. I went over and lifted the cows tail and sure enough, there was the lady wifes ball. I still had the cows tail lifted and shouted 'Darling, this one looks like yours' and that's the last thing I remember.'

 

[M P Hales]

A bloke is wheeled into Casualty, unconscious and covered head to toe in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck.
He eventually comes to and the Doc asks him what happened.
'Well Doc,' he says. 'I'm not exactly sure. I was having a round of golf with the lady wife. We hadn't played for some time so were both a little rusty. I was playing with my favourite Titleist ball and she was using a Dunlop. We'd teed-off and both managed to slice our balls into an adjacent farmer's field full of cows. We went hacking around to find the balls with no success until one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. Surely not, I thought. I went over and lifted the cows tail and sure enough, there was the lady wifes ball. I still had the cows tail lifted and shouted 'Darling, this one looks like yours' and that's the last thing I remember.'

Just told the wife

Any idea how to eat Christmas dinner with broken fingers,black eyes and dislocated jaw. :?:

This message sent from NHS casualty wifi

M

 

[Dodge]

A bloke is wheeled into Casualty, unconscious and covered head to toe in bruises and with a nine iron wrapped around his neck.
He eventually comes to and the Doc asks him what happened.
'Well Doc,' he says. 'I'm not exactly sure. I was having a round of golf with the lady wife. We hadn't played for some time so were both a little rusty. I was playing with my favourite Titleist ball and she was using a Dunlop. We'd teed-off and both managed to slice our balls into an adjacent farmer's field full of cows. We went hacking around to find the balls with no success until one of the cows flicked its tail and I caught a flash of white. Surely not, I thought. I went over and lifted the cows tail and sure enough, there was the lady wifes ball. I still had the cows tail lifted and shouted 'Darling, this one looks like yours' and that's the last thing I remember.'

Brilliant - :mrgreen: :mrgreen:

 

[wellywood]

A golf pro walks out of the clubhouse one bright and sunny morning and spots a young bloke just about to tee-off. Feeling particularly benevolent, the pro calls out and asks if the young feller wants to go round with him and he'll give him some coaching for free.
The young chap agrees and round they go and the youngster, with just a half-set of old clubs, wipes the course with the pro who trudges off in a foul mood.
Next morning, the pro spots the same young chap about to tee-off and sees that this time he's using a set of left-handed clubs. The pro challenges him again thinking he'll get revenge. Round they go and the young bloke destroys the pro again.
As they are walking back to the clubhouse the pro is feeling very dejected. 'I don't know,' he sighs. 'I've been a golf pro for 15 years. Yesterday you beat me right-handed and today left-handed. How do you do it?'
'Oh,' says the youngster. 'Golf just comes easily to me so I handicap myself. Somedays I play left-handed, some days right.'
They walk on a bit further and the pro, curious, asks, 'So how do you decide which set of clubs you're going to use on a particular day?'
'That's easy,' says the boy. 'I just look at my girlfriend next to me in bed. If she's lying on her left side, I play left and if she's on her right, I play right.'
'Hang on,' says the pro.'What happens if she's lying on her back?'
'Well I don't play golf every day,' says the boy.