whiskywill
Established Member
Q. How do you turn a duck into a singer?
A. Put it in the microwave oven until its Bill Withers.
A. Put it in the microwave oven until its Bill Withers.
A tip.
- Thread starter whiskywill
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monkeybiter
Established Member
:lol: =D>
Yesterday morning I bought two six packs of beer on sale at the Off licence. I put them on the front seat of the car and headed back home.
I stopped at the service station where this drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which didn't leave a lot to the imagination.
She glanced over, saw the beer, then bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her body parts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading *** for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and said, "What kind of beer have you got?"
I stopped at the service station where this drop-dead gorgeous blonde was filling up her car at the next pump.
It was very warm and she was wearing tight shorts and a light top which didn't leave a lot to the imagination.
She glanced over, saw the beer, then bent over and knocked on my passenger window.
With her body parts almost falling out of her skimpy top she said, in a sexy voice, “I'm a big believer in barter old fellow, would you be interested in trading *** for beer?"
I thought for a few seconds and said, "What kind of beer have you got?"
whiskywill
Established Member
My pet mouse, Elvis, died yesterday.
He was caught in a trap.
He was caught in a trap.
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Did you here about the dyslexic pimp who bought a wharehouse?
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Dyslexics lure, KO!
ossieosborne
Established Member
Q. Why have elephants got four feet?
A. They'd look silly with 6 inches!
A. They'd look silly with 6 inches!
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I expect he's staying in hearbreak hotel?
whiskywill
Established Member
I've got an inferiority complex....................................but it's not a very good one.
Getting back on the topic of ducks.
Reminded me. Though I don't think all jokes work via tinternet and this may well be one.
Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'
Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'
Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.
He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.
'F*ck me thats amazing!' says the Landlord.
'Just put him in the window and Ill be back in a week' says your man.
Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar. He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'
The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'
'Well, what's the problem?'
'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end. The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'
'Oh sh*t.' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop.'
He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, stuffs it under the other arm, takes the lid off and blows out the candle.
Reminded me. Though I don't think all jokes work via tinternet and this may well be one.
Man walks into a pub. The pub's dead. Not a soul in there. He orders a pint and the Landlord sighs, gets up, pours him a beer then sits down and puts his head back in his hands.
'Hard times?' says the fella.
'God yeh' says the landlord. Bought the pub a few weeks back and I'm nearly bankrupt already. Tried it all. Quiz nights, bands, buy one get one free. The lot. No matter what I try I cant get a customer. I'm at my wits end. If it carries on like this I'm finished.'
Your man has a think and says, 'Calm down I'll be back in an hour.'
Sure enough an hour later your man walks back in and he has a tin under one arm and a duck under the other.
The Landlord looks bewildered.
'Watch' say the fella.
He puts the tin on the bar and then put the duck on the tin. Lo and behold the duck starts tap dancing like a good un. Little flappy feet going like the clappers.
'F*ck me thats amazing!' says the Landlord.
'Just put him in the window and Ill be back in a week' says your man.
Sure enough. a week later the fella walks by the pub but now its a different place. It's packed to the rafters, theres 100s in there. Beer flying around and all come to see the amazing tap dancing duck. Pushing his way through the crowds the fella finally gets to the bar. He get's the attention of the landlord. 'How's it going?' he says. 'Better?'
The landlord is white as a sheet, there's bags under his eyes and he looks like a dead man walking.
'Well' he says. First I have to thank you. You've saved my business.I owe you everything.'
'Well, what's the problem?'
'I haven't slept for a week! The beer is selling, business is good but I'm at my wits end. The Mrs has left me, I haven't slept for 6 nights now. I can't stop the bloody duck tap dancing. All day. All Night. Every Night. Tap tap tap tap bloody tap. It's killing me. It's torture.'
'Oh sh*t.' says the fella. 'I forgot to tell you how to make him stop.'
He picks the duck up, puts it under one arm, picks the tin up, stuffs it under the other arm, takes the lid off and blows out the candle.
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And who said that the old ones were the best ones?
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
If yer not careful I'll tell you about the bloke wot walked into an Irish pub with his giraffe. They sat in the corner of the bar, it was a high ceilinged place, and started boozing. After about 7 or 8 pints the giraffe let out a huge long throated sigh, well it would wouldn't it, and collapsed on the floor in a very long heap.
The bloke jumped to his feet and got quite angry and started shouting at the griaffe and then said sod it that was the last time he was going to take the dammed thing out boozing and started to walk out of the pub!
The landlord leaped out from behing the bar and asked the bloke where he was going? The bloke replied that he was sick and tired of the thing and he was going home!
The landlord said "no! You can't go and leave that lyin there!"
The bloke looked at him with a curious look and said "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and walked out.
:shock: :shock: :shock: :shock: :shock:
If yer not careful I'll tell you about the bloke wot walked into an Irish pub with his giraffe. They sat in the corner of the bar, it was a high ceilinged place, and started boozing. After about 7 or 8 pints the giraffe let out a huge long throated sigh, well it would wouldn't it, and collapsed on the floor in a very long heap.
The bloke jumped to his feet and got quite angry and started shouting at the griaffe and then said sod it that was the last time he was going to take the dammed thing out boozing and started to walk out of the pub!
The landlord leaped out from behing the bar and asked the bloke where he was going? The bloke replied that he was sick and tired of the thing and he was going home!
The landlord said "no! You can't go and leave that lyin there!"
The bloke looked at him with a curious look and said "that's not a lion, it's a giraffe" and walked out.
Robbo3
Established Member
Sometimes
Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...when you are worried, no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE TIME!
Sometimes...when you cry, no one sees your tears.
Sometimes...when you are in pain, no one sees your hurt.
Sometimes...when you are worried, no one sees your stress.
Sometimes...when you are happy, no one sees your smile.
But fart just ONE TIME!
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:shock: =D> =D> :lol: :lol:
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Robbo3":1u0ngfhf said:
That reminds me of the joke about Stavros, who lived on a small Greek island.
He had a beautiful olive grove and smallholding, he was a great builder, cabinet maker, boatbuider. He was in the bar one night when a tourist started to talk to him, and asked his name. I'm Stavros the ....... well, Im the best farmer on the island and do they call me Stavros the farmer? No. I grow the best olives. Do they call me Stavros the olive grower? No. I build the best houses and make the best furniture. Do they call me Stavros the builder or Stavros the cabinet maker? No. I build the best boats. Do they call me Stavros the boat builder? No. .......... but one sheep, just one...
Chap walks in to a bar with a set of jump leads hanging around his neck.
The barman looks at him and says " Yes I'll serve you but don't start bloody well anything"
Alan
The barman looks at him and says " Yes I'll serve you but don't start bloody well anything"
Alan
