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I offered to clean up and sharpen a plane for someone as a favour. What they supplied "has issues". It is a number 4 plane with "Silverline" on the lever cap. ( I am aware of its status in the world of planes! ) The iron is marked "record" and at some time in the past has been reground to a...

Jean Harlow and Margot Fonteyn were on an ocean liner crossing the Atlantic. During their frequent conversations Harlow kept insulting Fonteyn by calling her "my dear Margott". After a while Fonteyn retorted, "My dear Jean, the 't' in 'Margot' is silent, as in 'Harlow'".

My doctor told me that three things go as you get old. Your hearing fades, your sight gets worse, and... sorry but I can't remember the other one.

Maybe we have it all wrong. Perhaps it is not a piece of plumbing at all, but a steampunk fashion accessory, hence the price.

Allegedly part of the ongoing duel between Winston Churchill and Lady Astor: WC: Would you sleepwith me for a million pounds? LA: Yes. WC: Would you sleep with me for ten pounds? LA: Absolutely not! What sort of woman do you think I am? WC: I thought we had just established that, and...

George Bernard Shaw sent Winston Churchill two free tickets to the opening night of his latest play. The accompanying note included the sentence: "Bring a friend, if you have one". Winston sent the tickets back politely declining, as he had a prior engagement. His note included the request...

The vicar, the village doctor and the local magistrate were playing golf one fine afternoon. The vicar took a swing but did not connect. "Bu**er, I missed" he exclaimed. The others raised their eyebrows in shock, but being gentlemen, made no comment. At the next tee, exactly the same thing...

Chuck Norris CAN divide by zero.

Superman and Chuck Norris had a fight as a bet. The loser had to wear his pants outside his trousers.

The Romans thought so too. Consider where your cameras are to be located. If they are all high level, then the only view you will get of Billy Burglar will be the top of his head, face screened by the peak of his baseball cap - not much use for ID evidence at court! A covert camera at face...

Amo, amas, amatitagain.

non angli sed angeli

Young lad fresh out of college turns up at work for his first day. The miserable old g** of a foreman hands him a broom and tells him to sweep the floor. Young lad: But, but I'm a graduate engineer! Foreman: Ah, yes. Let me show you how.

My dad was foreman of a department in a factory. He had an arrangement with the stores foreman for dealing with gobby new teenagers who knew it all. He would send them to the stores to ask for a "long stand". The conversation as reported back to him usually went something like this: KnowItAll...

Scarily real!!

Two armed robbers go into a bank. Both are masked up and have sawn-off shotguns. One robber goes up to a cashier and points the shotgun at him. He looks at the cashier with surprise for a moment or two, and then calls out to his mate: "Strewth John! This bloke could be your double!"

"Flash! aah aahh" [continuing the singing]

What bright spark came up with that?

Why do elephants paint their bxxxx[redacted] toenails red? [ family friendly version] So they can hide in cherry trees in the jungle. Why do the animals leave the jungle at 5 o'clock? Because that is when the elephants come down. Why has the cobra got a flat head? Because it cannot tell the time.

Court prosecutor to medical doctor in the witness box.... cp: So you say Mr Blenkinsop was dead? md: Yes. cp: Did you test his pulse? md: No. cp: Did you check he was breathing? md: No. cp: So how do you know he was dead? md: Because his brain was in a jar on my desk. cp: Yes...