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Sir Pious was about to head off for the crusade so fitted his wife with a chastity belt. Just in case he got killed in battle he gave the key to his best friend, Sir Whumpsalot. As Sir P reached the edge of his lands, he turned to bid them adieu and spotted a rider at full gallop coming up...

I'm old enough to remember the worst winters we've ever had in the UK. Mike and Bernie.

A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9 o'clock in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2 o'clock, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there...

Tesco have installed a medical machine, that for £5 and a urine sample, would diagnose any condition. When my mate went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read…“You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my mate wondered if he could fool the...

As I get older I find that I only need three shops, Specsavers, Boots, and Greggs. My life is just specs, drugs, and sausage rolls.

Is it true that an apple a day keeps the doctor away, or is it just one of Granny's myths? I love taking pictures of myself standing next to a boiling kettle. The doctor says I've got selfie steam issues.

Global warming is temporarily out of order due to cold weather. ---------------------- I've been paying £2 a month to the Cats Protection League for over a year..... I missed only two payments and they've just been round and broken my cat's legs....

Steal a man's wallet and he will be poor for a week. Teach him wood-work and how to buy tools and he'll be poor for life.

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My wife was reading Cosmopolitan magazine in bed last night and said to me, "It says here that most women get bored with their husband's sexual efforts after a few years of marriage." "Really love?" I replied as I continued to thrust away.

When older people say, "Enjoy them while they are young." They're talking about your knees & hips, not your kids. Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager. It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.

"May we use your toilet, please?" "Certainly. We have male and female just to the left." "Do you have all-gender toilets?" "Yes. I just told you."

A man had lost an arm in an accident. He became very depressed at this because he loved to play golf. One day in his despair, he decided to commit suicide. He got on an elevator and went to the top of a building to jump off. As he stood on the ledge looking down, he saw a man skipping along...

My mate is the first non-binary gold prospector. He reckons there is gold in them/their hills

One day Jesus decided to stroll down to the Pearly Gates. No sooner did he get there than St. Peter exclaimed, “Oh, I’m so glad you’re here, I need to go to the bathroom bad! Watch the Gates for me, will you?” “But what am I supposed to do if someone comes?” Jesus asked. “Have them fill out...

Anthony, a guy I work with is only 4ft five inches tall. We call him 'Shetland Tony'

December PB draw Mrs Cordy £125 Me £50 We have several £K coming to us in January. No idea where to invest -- Stock Market is a No No - I don't trust accountants or financial advisers. Already maxed out on PBs and ISAs. Genuine ideas welcome. PS, I have more than enough woodworking toys. John

@bradleyheathhay Go Eastern Red Cedar every time much better for Adirondacks The above are Pine, but my preferred choice now is Red Cedar -- much lighter in weight too ! I commit the sacrilege of treating with 2 pot Sikkens I will post photo if I can find it later good luck John

@Cozzer ...cabbie Fred Housego.. Took me a minute...