You know what it's like when your little.
Watching Your Dad with that big brush rubbing it into the green block of fairy.
He'd already sent me to the shop for a packet of five, "Five O'clock" blades on my trusted three wheeler solid tyre bike.
Slowly he worked that foam into his bristles, then attacked it with that silver razor.
The same one my mum used to shave her legs with that I was sworn to secrecy not to let on to my Dad about.
"Its the reason he keeps cutting his face, as it dulls the edge too quickly on my legs"
Yes, I thought.
Dad did seem to stick a lot of toilet paper on his face cuts after shaving, or rub that stick on the cuts he kept in the cabinet.
He never let on if he knew Mum used it though.
Then I'd observe my Mum removing the hairs under her arm pits.
She'd treat herself every so often to a bright yellow tube of something called, "Veet Oderless"
Carefully she opened the tube and spread a line of its contents onto one of the wooden spatula supplied.
Lifting one arm up she would smooth the paste into her hairy arm pits.
5 minutes later she took the second wooden spatula and scraped off the cream which removed the hair without any bleeding.
Unlike my Dad's method of hair removal my mum said her skin was now soft and smooth.
This went on for some years. I grew older. Went to secondary school.
One day I returned home. Both parents at work.
I looked in the mirror and observed what is known as "bum fluff" growing from my chin.
I decided to try mums method of hair removal. Seemed less painful.
I found the cream and hastily applied it liberally on my chin....Then spread some on my cheeks for good measure.
Then waited five minutes.
A tingling sensation started....Then a burning feeling.
Then, ****, what have I done.
Hastily I ran the cold tap, swilling water into my face to remove the cream....Then noticing small areas of skin were also coming off my face.
By the time I had removed it all, my face was red raw with chunks of skin missing. The redness increased until I looked like my Aunty Jean, who fell asleep on a very sunny day on a deckchair on Blackpool beach two summer's earlier..
She was taken to hospital and covered in, Calamine Lotion which when dry turned her face totally white. it looked like a plaster cast for a head had been placed on her shoulders.
My mum nearly had a fit when she came home.
As mums do.
She sat me down, after a good bollocking, and smeared Ponds cold cream on my face.
Later in life I'm thankful she didn't use iodine on my face, or Germaline, the only lotions and cream for first aid in our house.
Dad reacted differently.
He just shook his head and went off to smoke his pipe.
I took some stick at school, but in the end we all saw the funny side.
Dad bought me my first safety razor that year for my birthday, but I've hated shaving ever since.
