Need to escape/reset

[Adam W.]

In the dark, there is humour.

Good luck Stiggy, I hope you find your way through this.

P.S. Don't worry about the wood, it grows on trees.

 

[Bingy man]

As said above on several posts -as men we don’t open up to our own personal issues and we tend to bottle everything up . What you don’t realise is little by little we lose the will and the situation just gets worse. That’s sort of what made me join this forum. I’d had a shed load of issues to deal with from multiple bereavements to my son’s autism, my moms stroke and then having to put her into a care home not to mention the constant stress from work it was just too much. It almost broke me but an excellent councillor and a little medication and here I am today . I still get stressed, often feel anxious or annoyed but I cope with it . So yes to all the advice above , talking to friends even if they are members of this group that you’ve never met will help . There won’t be a simple answer to it because of your missus and your job -even if it sucks I bet those students put a smile on your face knowing you are helping them on their journey to adulthood. Hoarding is dangerous and needs to be handled carefully but it needs to be addressed. She needs to sort out her issues and understand this is not normal or acceptable and understand what she stands to lose . I only have a few friends and I lost 2 of my best friends during Covid so don’t be embarrassed to go to your doctor and tell him/her how you feel. I almost left it too late and like you I had multiple issues that were all making my life feel worthless. Not suggesting you do this but splitting from my missus was step 1 as I had tried to support her and her issues ( alcohol ) to no avail. It’s hard to continue when the crud in your life outweighs the good but you must find a way , ask for help as there is far more awareness of men’s mental health issues than you will realise. If you are still reading my post then you will find a way.don’t ever be embarrassed and if like me you do open up to a doctor or councillor then don’t be surprised or ashamed if you find yourself completely overwhelmed with emotions and end up in floods of tears . It happened to me on several occasions when talking to my doctor and councillor. I think your post is the start of your recovery and you will do the right thing for yourself. Keep up this post and I’ve no doubt it will help but the professionals will be needed as well. Good luck and give yourself a thumbs up for posting ..

 

[jcassidy]

Anyone feel like running away?

Yeah, all the time. I did it once too, and I ran really far and stayed away a long time. What I now refer to as my 'mid-life crisis at 30'. I burnt some people who were very important to me (one especially so), and there was no going back. But I learnt that running away and being alone for a long time actually sucks. Those were lost years.

Your wife needs help, as do you. Use the tools you have from your life experience. Proper planning prevents poor performance. Use the resources available to you vis-a-vis doctors and therapists, make a plan with your wife, and engage your soldier brain to achieve it.

 

[Phill05]

Hey Stig.
Get some help for you and the other half as all others have said let me remind you of a message I sent you a while ago.

"Hi Stig,

Just read your post about your lathe, I have a lathe sitting here doing nothing and I admire your work ethic and how well you have progressed with turning and would like to help you, would you be able to use one like this:"

Other can see the same in you so don't give up don't run away let's all see you pushing forward.

Kind regards
Phill

 

[Jameshow]

Also the fire brigade are keen to take hoarding as it's a fire hazard. Perhaps a call to them might help. They are generally good with people with MH issues too.

You Local authority will have a hoarding panel which could support too.

Counselling to address the causes of it is essential to.

Most of all lots of encouragement to address it and replace it with more beneficial coping mechanisms.
Perhaps take a break from the turning and give time to your relationship...

As you know I turned to woodworking, then the mens shed, cycling and visiting parents and now my marriage is broken.. so work at it mate it's worth saving!

 

[XTiffy]

Stig as an ex soldier (I am a Royal Navy veteran), please contact SSAFA (Soldier Sailor Air Force Association) there is a branch in your area (Aldershot and Farnham) Phone number 020 4566 9126. The longest journey starts with the first step, please take the step.

 

[XTiffy]

Spectric, I am quite sure you knew what kind of Executor I was refering to.That sounds like point scoring. In fact I took on the role without a will as my brother died intestate. He had brain cancer and three weeks before his death he told me he had consulted a solicitor and had everything sorted.
I was trying to let stig know that I understand a little of what he faces. As an ex-army man there are many veteran's charities that will help him, but he must contact them.

 

[Spectric]

Spectric, I am quite sure you knew what kind of Executor I was refering to.That sounds like point scoring.

I just read it at face value, no point scoring intended and it really shows how easy the meaning of a sentence in English depends upon it's entirety and interpretation. Not everyone would necessarily know the meaning, I knew someone who thought only very rich people have wills .

 

[Stigmorgan]

@XTiffy @Spectric lets not fall out, I appreciate the humour and there was obviously no malice or point scoring intended.

I've read every word of your replies and I appreciate it all so thank you all for your support.
First let me assure you all, I have no intention and would never consider suicide or self harm, that's not within my personality.
I know running away isn't the answer, however, a trip away on my own will help me reset myself so I'm more able to deal with everything else so I'm going to work towards putting my bike back on the road and plan a 7 to 10 day off-grid tour of Wales with only what I can fit in a backpack, a tarp and a sleeping bag.
Talking to my girlfriend is difficult, everytime I've tried to tell her how I feel about the hoarding she gets defensive and upset resulting in me getting angry so I stopped trying to talk to her, now and then she says she is going to sort through stuff but then doesn't, her friends don't help, they side with her and accuse me of bullying. I know we do need to sit and talk properly before things get worse and I tell her to leave.
Most of my issues at work stem from a lack of communication from the executive level, this probably wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have the academy headquarters based on my site, they constantly make plans about my site that I'm not included in or told about directly which makes me feel like my title of site manager is a joke at times, the changes they want to make mainly involve increasing my hours and monitoring what I do within those hours which makes me feel untrusted to do my job, they know how I feel about everything so going forward it's up to them to accept that I'm not willing to increase my hours or find someone else.
For now I'm going to concentrate solely on putting my bike back on the road and regain my freedom, then I'll start planning my trip. Funding these will not be easy so will likely sell off a few tools I'm not likely to need like my big router (never used it) maybe my mitresaw and scrollsaw, my 700ltr aquarium would cover the majority of the parts needed to fix the bike so going to look at selling that, Merist Wood have an event in May that I will be at and that should make a decent bit of cash to put towards the bike and my safety gear.

 

[scooby]

Stig, I respect that you felt comfortable (or at least able) to divulge all that information. I imagine it wasn’t easy. Your posts strike me as being very upbeat so I was surprised to hear you’ve been struggling. That probably sounds a bit daft and naive, apologies.
I can relate to a few bits of what you said. I also live quite a solitary life with no real friends. Up to my mid/late 20’s, I was very social and had a lot of friends but I became more and more introverted as I grew older. I definitely share the same trait as you in terms of maintaining friendships.

I don’t really know what to say but I’d agree with the replies of don’t run away. Have a short break if possible but try to start solving your problems slowly.
Hope you feel better soon.

 

[ajsimmo]

Hey Stig,

Well done for reaching out mate, there are many on here that know how you feel.

I'm an ex squaddie as well (33 years), so I know what its like to lock things away.

My penny worth of advice would be to make contact with your local Legion (RBL) on 01252 325558 and have a chat to their staff. They really are the perfect sounding board and they've been in your shoes or have helped someone in the past.

Please do contact them, their sole purpose is to help ex servicemen.

Secondly, Men in Sheds (Age UK) has an excellent branch in Ash, Surrey. Contact on 01483 503414 to join. A great place to make friends who love working with wood.

I wish I was nearer, (I'm in Alderney), but please reach out and there will be people to help you.

Best of luck

Ali

 

[Jameshow]

@XTiffy @Spectric lets not fall out, I appreciate the humour and there was obviously no malice or point scoring intended.

I've read every word of your replies and I appreciate it all so thank you all for your support.
First let me assure you all, I have no intention and would never consider suicide or self harm, that's not within my personality.
I know running away isn't the answer, however, a trip away on my own will help me reset myself so I'm more able to deal with everything else so I'm going to work towards putting my bike back on the road and plan a 7 to 10 day off-grid tour of Wales with only what I can fit in a backpack, a tarp and a sleeping bag.
Talking to my girlfriend is difficult, everytime I've tried to tell her how I feel about the hoarding she gets defensive and upset resulting in me getting angry so I stopped trying to talk to her, now and then she says she is going to sort through stuff but then doesn't, her friends don't help, they side with her and accuse me of bullying. I know we do need to sit and talk properly before things get worse and I tell her to leave.
Most of my issues at work stem from a lack of communication from the executive level, this probably wouldn't be too bad if I didn't have the academy headquarters based on my site, they constantly make plans about my site that I'm not included in or told about directly which makes me feel like my title of site manager is a joke at times, the changes they want to make mainly involve increasing my hours and monitoring what I do within those hours which makes me feel untrusted to do my job, they know how I feel about everything so going forward it's up to them to accept that I'm not willing to increase my hours or find someone else.
For now I'm going to concentrate solely on putting my bike back on the road and regain my freedom, then I'll start planning my trip. Funding these will not be easy so will likely sell off a few tools I'm not likely to need like my big router (never used it) maybe my mitresaw and scrollsaw, my 700ltr aquarium would cover the majority of the parts needed to fix the bike so going to look at selling that, Merist Wood have an event in May that I will be at and that should make a decent bit of cash to put towards the bike and my safety gear.

Sounds like you would really benefit from counselling. You can both unpack the issues in a safe space moderated by the counsellor without her friends / family having a say.

I found relate really helpful a decade ago.

 

[Keith Cocker]

I’m sorry to hear about your troubles. I’m late to the thread and there is lots of good advice here. Most of all I would echo contacting your GP and an ex servicemen’s organisation- RBL or your former Regiment.

I do hope things soon get better for you.

 

[Morag Jones]

My heart goes out to you Stig. Definitely agree with the need for sharing a burden. Some really great suggestions for help here - I hope you find the right one (or more) and can take positive steps. The break will surely do some good?

All the best mate and do keep us briefed.
And don’t hold back if you ever need to ask for help.
X

 

[DiyAddict]

I urge you and your beloved to get professional help. Your lives can be improved immeasurably if you address these major issues, especially the structural state of your building, your worklife, and your living conditions.

To me, your idea of selling loads of stuff to get away by yourself is every bit as 'sticking plaster' as the responses you report of your gf concerning her issue. It's kicking the can down the road and will solve nothing.

Equally, confronting her directly about hoarding won't help. Her mental health is clearly in a very delicate state (just as yours is), and she will feel like you're blaming/attacking her for your combined problems.

I've probably riled you a bit by dismissing your approach above. Imagine that feeling times a hundred, which is what she would have felt whenever you discussed her hoarding with her, rightly or wrongly. Words matter. "I want us to work together to improve our lives" is so much better than "Our lives would be better if you did x".

Friends and acquaintances, however well-meaning, are not equipped to help with problems of this scale, other than by listening.

May I suggest uniting with your gf to get professional counselling, via your GP. For your part, you could offer to sell the stuff to pay for it, rather than for your camping sojourn. This will be appreciated by your partner and motivate her to be involved. Working together united, with mutual respect, could work wonders.

My heart goes out to you both. These really are troubled times.

All the best, Paul

 

[Alli]

Hiya Stig,

I've worked and lived at my place of work on a private estate for over 20 years and totally get the pressures it can cause, I'm on call 24hrs a day for alarms going off etc. Always worrying about something. Whatever breaks and stops working, it feels like I broke it and don't get me started when the internet stops working!!!!!

You mention not taking holiday, I would suggest you try and take them. Its shocking how well getting away for a weekend relaxes me, I find I've switched off from work within an hour and have no worries until I get back. Also the memories I have of the getaway, even if its just walking on the beach helps my mind escape when I'm back at work.

I really like your idea of restoring your bike. I've bought a bungalow up in Wales which Is my retirement/escape plan. One of the biggest joys I have is building wardrobes/furniture etc for it, the design, planning and building really help to keep my mind on positive thoughts rather than just work. I feel working on your bike might do the same for you, with the thought of being able to escape whenever you want will do you good.

All the best mate.

 

[naughtymoose]

Stig, I feel for you mate.

Everyone has given decent advice, so maybe listen to some of it?

Hoarding is a mental health issue. I've spent a year dealing with the problems in my old uncle's house after he died. Trying to find important documents for my aunt was worse than looking for a needle in a haystack.

Are you a member of a union? If not, JOIN ONE!

Maybe contact SSAFA?

Maybe pick a room, and clear it. If it means that the stuff gets moved into another room, then so be it. Get a bed in there and make it YOURS!

Go and see your doctor.

I say again, GO AND SEE YOUR DOCTOR!

Good luck mate.

 

[imageel]

Hey Stig, lots of good advice in this thread for you to consider, and for sure you are dealing with a lot and by sharing this I am sure it will be in some ways cathartic for you.
I echo others advice to seek help, whether via your GP, RBL, or a nearby mens-shed.
I through a charity I volunteered for at the start of the Covid pandemic have had mental health and well-being training and seeking help would help you move to a better place mentally and better equip yourself to deal with the situation you find yourself in.
Certainly from my experience at my local men's shed it has been incredibly positive and I know many who attend do so as much for the company and the banter as they do for actually making something!

So seek help along one of those routes and you will soon find yourself in a better frame of mind and with a more positive outlook for the future.

Good Luck!

 

[Bingy man]

While I completely agree with your plan to get away for a break to reset as you describe it everything will still be the same when you return . The risk then is you could easily become overwhelmed in a short period of time as you will inevitably compare your time away with your home and work life situation. Maybe if you start to seek help before you go and have some support ready for when you return this will offset that ( back to the same old ) feeling when you return . As others have said your problems will still be there when you return . You need to help yourself 1st and foremost then with the tools a councillor can give you you can hopefully help your missus . Reach out to her friends and ask them to help her to face her issues and not to enable her to continue with the hoarding. You both should have regular “me time” . After my son was born I told my x she needed help but she was in denial. It went on for a few years to the point where she didn’t notice our sons behaviour wasn’t normal and was getting worse. As soon as her sister said she was depressed and should see her doctor off she went -almost ran there ! So take care and hope you get sorted .

 

[Lons]

Hey Stig, I'm sorry to hear of all your troubles man, that really sucks.
Hopefully sharing on here helps but you really should as suggested seek professional, qualified help to get you out of this and on the road to a better life. You seem to have a number of issues which maybe could be looked at seperately. Work conditions are unacceptable by the sound of it and you should be taking your entitled holidays or at very least if your choice not to then suitably rewarded financially, If I was in your situation I'd definitely be actively looking for a different employer. Your living conditions are also clearly not what you want and if you can't discuss this rationally with your partner then you need mediation and working all hours and sleeping on the sofa isn't going to help your relationship one little bit. She might well see that as a sign you don't love her.

Reach out to your GP, the practices are well equipped these days with recognised plans to help, anything else is just diversion, you need some helping hands to pull you both out of the plight you're in as it's difficult to get out on your own.

Best of luck, you can do it.