My 11 year old niece has a smartphone- im angry

[ColeyS1]

She may be your niece but in all honesty, her having a smartphone has nothing to do with you. If her parents judged her mature enough to have one, then you should respect their decision.

The threads only 2 pages long, might be worth reading the whole thread before commenting. She got taken away from her mother and lives with my elderly mum. Her dad isn't that interested either.
I think it's down to my mum really to have a chat, but she wouldn't have a clue what to explain, which is why I thought I should be concerned.

Coley

 

[morfa]

I wouldn't panic massively, but I would say that if you get a chance to have a chat with your niece about the risks of the internet, then I would do so.

I'm lucky when I started going on the internet my Dad who was already very internet savvy sat my sister and I down and gave us the 'internet talk'. Which basically boiled down to:

1 - Don't give away your age, real name, *** or location to anyone (eg be sensible with usernames, emails etc)
2 - People can lie as to who they are, that 15 year old girl could easily be a boy or a 60 year old man
3 - Never tell anyone your password
4 - Don't google for something you might not want to see, just cause you can type in 'man with his head cut off' into google, doesn't mean you should....

Admittedly on point 4, it wasn't google, as google didn't exist then. And I really learned point 4 on my own. Lots of people don't seem to realise how easy it is to find some genuinely horrible stuff if you search for it. I was quite surprised the other day when a chap I know was shocked that you could find **** for free on the internet. He thought you'd have to pay for it and you couldn't just search for it. He'd obviously never heard of rule 34.

I could add a 5th point in about general internet security and not clicking on links in emails which allege to be from a bank, but that's probably not relevant for an 11 year old.

 

[transatlantic]

I agree with mostly what has already been said. It's best to educate her about the dangers of World Wide Web as opposed to keeping it from her, as she'll end up on it sooner or later through whatever means.

Looks like she has a great uncle though!

 

[Lons]

Coley
You very clearly care about her welfare which means she's a very lucky little girl.

I wouldn't panic though as at 11 she very likely knows a lot more than you think she does and I agree that the way forward is education and awareness of the dangers of the internet. It's ignorance that's the biggest danger to her.

If not already, then very soon she or her friends will be perfectly able to get around your blocking measures and in any case I guarantee that some of her school friends will have full internet access any way so she'll use that.

My brother has an effective method at the minute with his 10 year old lad who honestly believes that his dad knows absolutely everything he does. Brother just sneaks a look at his phone once in a while and talks to him all the time occasionally chucking in " why did you visit that website son". Nothing wrong with looking at her 'phone but I would do it in her presence and with her permission after all if she has nothing to hide!

Best of luck dealing with a girl, bet she's 11 going on 21 :lol: My 38 year old daughter was grown up from the minute she was born while 34 year old son still hasn't grown up. :wink:

Bob

 

[sunnybob]

When I was a kid there weren't any mobile phones BUT there were payphones and my Mum made sure I had 2p (see how old I am) to call home if I got stuck.

you call yourself old? I had to use 4 old pennies before I could press button A.
And walk two miles to school across south london each way each day.

I'm also not impressed by the plague of smartphones. Seems nobody under 50 can walk or drive or even eat without holding onto one. Especially distressing when a family is in a restaurant and they are ALL looking down at their hand sets rather than actually talking to each other.
But I am a luddite whenever possible, and accept it.
I do have a mobile phone, and I am told it will connect to the internet, but its carried for emergency use only, and my monthly bill is around £2.

You wont stop the girl from using one, so your only hope is to explain the dangers fully to the child, sometimes graphic details can scare some sense into them.

 

[YorkshireMartin]

I am a parent, but of a 20 month old, although my principle method of parenting will never change, it's one thing I'm absolutely firm on, and it sounds like you are too. All that changes as children age is HOW they tantrum. My "2 year old" kicking off in the supermarket tonight because I stopped him trying to open a packet of pancakes, is the exact same childish behaviour you'd see if you tried to take the smartphone away, just manifested in a different form.

My wife asked me tonight on the way out of the supermarket doors "when will this screaming and tantrumming stop?", I answered, only half joking "when he's about 35".

Obviously, in this situation, close family are taking on the parenting role. It does require co-ordination between all involved adults and I can understand how you may feel snubbed that her new number was not communicated to you. With kids though, we need to remember not to take things too personally, and, if the adults around here who knew of the change of number were older, then that could be understandable too as they would likely not see it as important.

A lot of this depends on her maturity, not her actual age. 11 can mean a child who's essentially brought up siblings as an "adult", or it can be an 11 who's led a sheltered life and has no idea of the outside world at all. It's very difficult to generalise.

What would you prefer to happen as of now if you had an unrestrained choice? Her to lose the smartphone completely, be educated in its use, or something else?

 

[ColeyS1]

Thanks for all the suggestions. It's blatantly clear a chat won't do any harm either way, so thats my top priority. I'll ask her what she's learnt about the Internet so far and then fill in any gaps

What would you prefer to happen as of now if you had an unrestrained choice? Her to lose the smartphone completely, be educated in its use, or something else?

The mother to lose all recollection of having a child and to move away No risk of communicating via the Internet then.
I'd have preferred her to get use to a basic phone for 6 months and see if her mum starts ringing that. The only thing I can do now is to have a chat about Internet safety etc,which in reality would have needed saying anyway . I just hope the mother doesn't make things difficult, there's nothing I can do to stop communication from social media.


Coley

 

[Phil Pascoe]

Sunnybob - threepence. Three miles in a bus, half a mile walk, ten miles on a train then a mile and a half walk to get to school.
I didn't live in a cardboard box ... Curiously, I have a fifteen year old boy who refuses to carry or even own a phone. :? Having said that my phone bill is less than five quid a year.

 

[sunnybob]

Sunnybob - threepence. Three miles in a bus, half a mile walk, ten miles on a train then a mile and a half walk to get to school.
I didn't live in a cardboard box ... Curiously, I have a fifteen year old boy who refuses to carry or even own a phone. :? Having said that my phone bill is less than five quid a year.

Ahh, I had london weighting added to my costs.(lol)

 

[YorkshireMartin]

there's nothing I can do to stop communication from social media.

If she's 11 she's not legally old enough to have a social media account at all, on any US based service, so the legal guardian can close the account down I do believe. Thats one way of tackling it but a hard sell no doubt. Another would be to set privacy options. For example on Facebook you can set it so that only people who are friends of friends can see your profile at all. There may be other options I'm not aware of. You can definitely "block" someone on all these platforms and if someone evades a block, I believe a complaint can be made and that user would be site banned.

There are things in place for the situation you describe.

You may also wish to look at something like https://www.netnanny.com/mobile/. There are others available, just go with the big names. That gives you granular control over the entire phone and it's internet/app functions.

As for the mobile phone calls, its possible to block numbers with co-operation of the service provider.

All thats needed is for the adults to agree to which approach is most suitable.

I sympathise with your situation, it sounds very challenging.

 

[BearTricks]

If she's already managed to get her phone set up and get online then she probably has something of an idea what she's doing. It's probably worth mentioning that people being taken advantage of on the Internet is the exception rather than the rule, it's just the news that makes it seem as if it's happening to every child who touches a keyboard.

I agree that 11 is young enough that she probably needs to be supervised but if you let her take advantage of the Internet she's probably going to get a lot out of it if she starts that young. I have a cousin who was in to programming at that age, and if he had continued he'd be set for life but instead his dullard of a mum thought he would end up hacking government computer systems and made him stop.

Now he spends all his time prowling the streets at night with his mates all dressed in tracksuits, which apparently she's fine with.

Sent from my LG-H815 using Tapatalk

 

[ColeyS1]

I've been reading all the responses and it's really put my mind at ease. A problem shared etc. Thanks guys. Great forum, friendly members and sound advice

Coley

 

[Stanleymonkey]

It's very difficult with kids and phones.

We have our phones out all the time, the kids see us checking things on them. They look at pictures we have taken on them - it is just seen as normal.

There are parents of 8 and nine year olds who let them have old phones and the peer pressure starts ticking from about year four onwards in schools.

Generally speaking, these are expensive bits of kit at up to a certain age it is quite the norm for mum/dad to be able to look through browsing history and texts etc. with the agreement that things shouldn't be deleted or cleared. Some parents have this for laptops and PCs at home. The adult is normally the bill payer and can withdraw the funding after all! The flipside to that is to come and talk to you / show you when they find abusive / unpleasant / nasty things.

https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/ is a really good site

https://ceop.police.uk/ is there for the hard hitting stuff

No dis-respect to teachers, but e-safety teaching can be very patchy. Subject knowledge varies greatly and sometimes it is done by having an e-safety day or week and if your niece was off that day or missed a lesson, she might have missed all the important stuff.

It's really good that you're concerned. Talk to her about it, there is also the flipside of getting drawn into making unpleasant posts or having at go online. It can get you into a lot of trouble at school and blot your copy book big time.

Good luck

 

[Stanleymonkey]

I'll chuck this in for good measure - children and adults alike

From the wired Website - Matthew Honan

To test whether I was being paranoid, I ran a little experiment. On a sunny Saturday, I spotted a woman in Golden Gate Park taking a photo with a 3G iPhone. Because iPhones embed geodata into photos that users upload to Flickr or Picasa, iPhone shots can be automatically placed on a map. At home I searched the Flickr map, and score—a shot from today. I clicked through to the user's photostream and determined it was the woman I had seen earlier. After adjusting the settings so that only her shots appeared on the map, I saw a cluster of images in one location. Clicking on them revealed photos of an apartment interior—a bedroom, a kitchen, a filthy living room. Now I know where she lives.


I've seen another article like this, where the journalist then actually knocked on the woman's door and gave her the fright of her life by showing her she had effectively given her address away by talking out loud with friends and saying she was uploading her photos to certain sites.

This is a few years old now (3G Iphone) but can this still happen if you aren't careful with your settings?

 

[Stanleymonkey]

It's really good that you're concerned. Talk to her about it, there is also the flipside of getting drawn into making unpleasant posts or having at go online. It can get you into a lot of trouble at school and blot your copy book big time.

Good luck[/quote]


Sorry meant to say - having a go at someone online.

 

[DiscoStu]

I work in IT and have 3 girls aged 15, 12 and 8. My eldest two have phones and iPads and my youngest just has an iPad. We have had a conversation about safety and they are very aware of it from school. There seems to be a lot of negative focus on technology but actually I have found that it gives my children freedom. The phones are iPhones and on my family account so I approve any apps that they want to download and that's in addition to apple already having checked any apps on its site. I can see where any of the phones are at any time. My children can message or call me to ask if they can go round a friends house after school etc. I can call them to let them know that something is changed and they need to get home etc.

I think technology is great but you just need to be cautious and educate children. It's no different from educating children about the dangers of getting into a car with a stranger.

Going back to the original post it is a shame that you weren't included in the decision and as you say it might be because they knew you'd be against it. Maybe you need to try and work on how you can facilitate a safe solution but still provide your niece with her smart phone. My daughter first wanted a blackberry and I only agreed if I could put tracking software on it. I explained I'd only use it if I was concerned and not to spy on her and she was really happy with that as ultimately she was getting her phone.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

 

[woodpig]

I was a little surprised to learn recently that some secondary schools now require their students to have their own iPads for school work.

 

[MikeJhn]

I just tried to log into my PayPal account and they want to verify my identity by sending a text to my mobile phone, which dose not work at home, the alternative was a text too my Whats app account that I don't have, these assumptions from companies like PayPal is what drives costs up and perpetuates the use of AI in our increasingly automated world.

 

[Sideways]

It's all intensely annoying. Wait till you drop your phone in a puddle and find you can't access the money to buy a replacement because your bank accounts demand two factor authentication for a large transaction. No phone, no code, no money to buy a new phone....

 

[graham88]

It's very difficult with kids and phones.

We have our phones out all the time, the kids see us checking things on them. They look at pictures we have taken on them - it is just seen as normal.

There are parents of 8 and nine year olds who let them have old phones and the peer pressure starts ticking from about year four onwards in schools.

Generally speaking, these are expensive bits of kit at up to a certain age it is quite the norm for mum/dad to be able to look through browsing history and texts etc. with the agreement that things shouldn't be deleted or cleared. Some parents have this for laptops and PCs at home. The adult is normally the bill payer and can withdraw the funding after all! The flipside to that is to come and talk to you / show you when they find abusive / unpleasant / nasty things.

https://www.thinkuknow.co.uk/ is a really good site

https://ceop.police.uk/ is there for the hard hitting stuff

No dis-respect to teachers, but e-safety teaching can be very patchy. Subject knowledge varies greatly and sometimes it is done by having an e-safety day or week and if your niece was off that day or missed a lesson, she might have missed all the important stuff.

It's really good that you're concerned. Talk to her about it, there is also the flipside of getting drawn into making unpleasant posts or having at go online. It can get you into a lot of trouble at school and blot your copy book big time.

Good luck

A few things to add to this, although my information is 6 years out of date. I previously worked as the network manager in a SEN school and was regularly involved in overlooking the e-safety section of the curriculum, mostly to add any additional insight. The curriculum is robust, inset days are held in training staff on e-safety and the teaching of it too. While schools will regularly have an e-safety day or week, it is a widely taught throughout the year to avoid absence leaving a child or two unequipped. The links provided are indeed excellent, with thinkuknow being the standard resource for educating children on e-safety. I'm assuming you have a level of contact with your niece's school? The one I worked in was very proactive with helping parents/carers on the matter of e-safety and I'm sure a phone call or a visit would result in good advice for you or her grandparents. School workers are duty bound to assure any child's safety 24/7, so any failings to provide safety resources to you is something the LEA would want to hear about.

On a personal level, I don't believe in holding back children from technology and blocking everything (obvious exlusions apply) as opposed to monitoring of activity and a quick chat if there is anything you're unhappy with. Better to teach them when they are young at a point in life when they're receptive to adult help and supervision. Once they start becoming teenagers you'll want safe conduct ingrained into them because they will not want to listen to you. Age 11 is a very good age to be teaching at the deep end by allowing her a smartphone or tablet. Allow her to make the right choices but with a guiding hand to steer in the correct direction. You'll want to instill a level of trust so that if at any point she feels unsure about something she feels safe in coming to you with it, without the threat of losing her phone. Just have a sit down, tell her that you understand she is getting older and wants to have the things eveyone else has, and that you don't want her to feel left out, so you are going to let her have a phone but she must be aware of her own safety and if anything happens that she doesn't feel very good about to come to you so you can work together to make it go away, then she can carry on using the phone with a new lesson learnt. At no point should she feel pressured by anyone to "not show her uncle this or that" or to "not tell anybody" about something, if they do, she must stop contacting them and come to you immediately. At no point should you make her feel as if punishment is an option. Technology is something she will have to deal with at some point so your best option is to work together. Maybe include the grandparents in the conversation so they feel more at ease with involving you in such things in the future.