Ironballs
Established Member
Nice one Joe, made me chuckle
Jokes!!
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loftyhermes
Established Member
Irish Boy's Confession
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell"
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 Months holiday and five good leads"
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".
The priest asks, "Is that you, Dicky?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Dicky, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Mary Walsh?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Brown?"
"I'll never tell"
"Was it Margaret Doyle?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Anne O' Neil?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Catherine 0' Tool, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped Dicky, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Dicky walks back to his pew, and his friend Tommy slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"4 Months holiday and five good leads"
devonwoody
Established Member
Lofty, the punch line used to be the vicars daughter so that was a good variation. 
Grinding One
Established Member
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven,God was missing for 6 days.Eventually,Michael the Archangel found him,resting on the 7th day.He inquired of God."Where have you been?"God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds,"Look,Michael.Look what I have created."The Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said,"What is it?"
"It`s a planet,"replied God,"and I`ve put life on it.I`m going to call it Earth and it`s going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?"Inquired Michael,still confused.God explained,pointing to different parts of Earth."For example,Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh,while Southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.This one will be extreamly hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel,impressed by Gods work then pointed to a land mass and said,"What`s that one??" "Ah" said God ."That is Illinois the most glorious place on Earth.There will be beautiful Prairies,Grasslands,Farms,Streams,abundant wild game and Birds,rolling hills and woodlands.The people from Illinois are going to be handsome,modest,intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.They will be extremely sociable,hardworking and high achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance,God?You said there would be balance!!"
God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the Idiots I put in Springfield."
"It`s a planet,"replied God,"and I`ve put life on it.I`m going to call it Earth and it`s going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?"Inquired Michael,still confused.God explained,pointing to different parts of Earth."For example,Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth but cold and harsh,while Southern Europe is going to be poor but sunny and pleasant."I have made some lands abundant in water and other lands parched deserts.This one will be extreamly hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."The Archangel,impressed by Gods work then pointed to a land mass and said,"What`s that one??" "Ah" said God ."That is Illinois the most glorious place on Earth.There will be beautiful Prairies,Grasslands,Farms,Streams,abundant wild game and Birds,rolling hills and woodlands.The people from Illinois are going to be handsome,modest,intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world.They will be extremely sociable,hardworking and high achieving,and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace."Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,"What about balance,God?You said there would be balance!!"
God replied wisely,"Wait until you see the Idiots I put in Springfield."
toysandboats
Established Member
A man goes to his doctor with a hearing problem.
The doctor says, "Can you describe the symptoms please?"
The man replies, "Well, Homer's a fat bald bloke and Marge has blue hair".
It took me a couple of readings to get it, it's quite clever!!
David Ward
The doctor says, "Can you describe the symptoms please?"
The man replies, "Well, Homer's a fat bald bloke and Marge has blue hair".
It took me a couple of readings to get it, it's quite clever!!
David Ward
The Shark
Established Member
A delivery man breaks down on the M4, so he flags down Paddy.
He says, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me".
Paddy agrees.
Two hours later, he sees Paddy driving the other way, with the monkeys still in the back. He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"
Paddy replies, "I did, but I had £30 left, so now I am taking them to the pictures".
He says, "I've got six monkeys in the back. I'll give you £100 if you'll take them to Bristol Zoo for me".
Paddy agrees.
Two hours later, he sees Paddy driving the other way, with the monkeys still in the back. He flags him down and shouts across, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo?"
Paddy replies, "I did, but I had £30 left, so now I am taking them to the pictures".
SemiSkilled
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A man rushes into a bank wearing a balaclava and waving a pistol,
"EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR, NOW!!" he shouts as he fires two shots into the ceiling.
In a panic everyone in the banks drops to the floor.
The thief empties the cash drawers into a bag and is making for the door when a customer jumps up, grabs the man and pulls off his mask,
the two men stare at each other for half a second as the customer realises his mistake, the thief coolly raises the gun and shoots the man dead.
"DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE!" the gunman screams at the cowering customers. As he looks at the people on the floor a man nervously looks away but he's too late, the gunman fires at point blank range, the man slumps down dead.
"NOW, DID ANY ONE ELSE SEE MY FACE!!" the gunman shouts.
Silence..........then a little voice at the back calls
"I think my missus might have caught a glimpse "
"EVERYONE ON THE FLOOR, NOW!!" he shouts as he fires two shots into the ceiling.
In a panic everyone in the banks drops to the floor.
The thief empties the cash drawers into a bag and is making for the door when a customer jumps up, grabs the man and pulls off his mask,
the two men stare at each other for half a second as the customer realises his mistake, the thief coolly raises the gun and shoots the man dead.
"DID ANYONE ELSE SEE MY FACE!" the gunman screams at the cowering customers. As he looks at the people on the floor a man nervously looks away but he's too late, the gunman fires at point blank range, the man slumps down dead.
"NOW, DID ANY ONE ELSE SEE MY FACE!!" the gunman shouts.
Silence..........then a little voice at the back calls
"I think my missus might have caught a glimpse "
Argee
Established Member
An Irishman moves into a tiny hamlet in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the Man Who Orders Three Beers. Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?"
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Ray
"Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies. "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always order an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond."
The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the Man Who Orders Three Beers became a local celebrity and source of pride to the hamlet, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening. He orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers.
The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know - the two beers and all."
The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I've decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Ray
loftyhermes
Established Member
While in China , a man is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom. A week after arriving back home, he wakes one morning to find his p***s covered with bright green and purple spots.
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it. I'm sorry, but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his p***s and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'
Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. When the man returns the doctor says, 'I've got bad news for you, you've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here, we know very little about it. I'm sorry, but there's no known cure. We're going to have to amputate it.'
The man screams in horror, 'Absolutely not! I want a second opinion.' The doctor replies, 'Well, it's your
choice. Go ahead, if you want but surgery is your only choice.' The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.
The Chinese doctor examines his p***s and proclaims, 'Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vely lare disease.'
The guy says to the doctor, 'Yeah, yeah, I already know that but what can you do for me? My own doctor wants to operate and amputate it!'
The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. 'Stupid docta, always want to opelate. Make more money dat way. No need to opelate!'
Oh, Thank God!' the man replies.
'Yes,' says the Chinese doctor, 'wait two weeks. Fawl off by itself!'
loftyhermes
Established Member
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free *** with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free ***. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free ***. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No *** this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free ***. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free *** this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free ***.'
Paddy replied, 'no, it ain't Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week ."
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free ***. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free ***. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No *** this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free ***. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free *** this time.'
As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, 'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free ***.'
Paddy replied, 'no, it ain't Mick. It's not rigged at all at all. My wife won twice last week ."
loftyhermes
Established Member
I’m so fat and to make matters worse, I’ve just come out of a chippy eating an enormous pie and chips. A tramp sat on the pavement outside. He was very thin and said he’d not eaten anything for two days. My God I wish I had his f**king willpower.
Argee
Established Member
John Tickle was very keen to marry his girlfiend, but Tess didn't want to take his name.
Ray
Ray
loftyhermes
Established Member
As a woman passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter playing with her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the heck are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'Well let's face it, this is the nearest that I'm going to get to watching football with my son-in-law."
Shocked, she asked: 'what in the world are you doing?'
The daughter replied: 'mum, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter playing with her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: 'dad I'm thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.'
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room. She entered the room and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV. The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: 'What the heck are you doing?'
The husband replied: 'Well let's face it, this is the nearest that I'm going to get to watching football with my son-in-law."
brianhabby
Established Member
There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to **** us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would have a dirty ending - I'll pray for you! :lol:
regards
Brian
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM), and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical He wants to **** us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!
SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me
SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me
SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.
And for those of you who thought it would have a dirty ending - I'll pray for you! :lol:
regards
Brian
Woodmagnet
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=D> :lol: :lol: :lol:
After a thorough medical examination the doctor handed a small container to his 85 year old patient with the instruction, "Bring back a sample of your sperm in this container tomorrow."
Next day, the man was back with the container, however, it was empty.
"I tried with my right hand, my left hand as well as both hands . . . but nothing." explained the man.
He continued "my wife tried with her right hand, her left hand as well as both hands . . . still no result. Our next-door neighbour even tried with her right hand, her left hand, both hands and even under her armpit ... nothing. So, between the three of us, we just couldn't get the top off."
Next day, the man was back with the container, however, it was empty.
"I tried with my right hand, my left hand as well as both hands . . . but nothing." explained the man.
He continued "my wife tried with her right hand, her left hand as well as both hands . . . still no result. Our next-door neighbour even tried with her right hand, her left hand, both hands and even under her armpit ... nothing. So, between the three of us, we just couldn't get the top off."
brianhabby
Established Member
The head nun at the convent says, "I found a pair of men's underwear under my desk!"
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."
She says, "And I found a used condom on my desk!"
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."
She says, "And there was a huge tear in the condom!"
One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, "Heh, heh, heh."
regards
Brian
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."
She says, "And I found a used condom on my desk!"
Twenty nuns gasp, but one nun goes "Heh, heh, heh..."
She says, "And there was a huge tear in the condom!"
One nun gasps, but twenty nuns go, "Heh, heh, heh."
regards
Brian
One day, young Johnny returned home looking absolutely crestfallen. He said to his father "I only started my job at the fish and chip shop on Monday, and I've been sacked after only 3 days".
"What was the problem?" said his father.
"Well" said Johnny, " I was doing really well, sold lots of fish and chips, but then I got my todger caught in the potato peeler".
"What?!" exclaimed his father. "There must be more to it than that! Sounds like a health and safety issue to me". And before Johnny could stop him, he was off to the fish and chip shop to confront the owner.
"My son tells me that you sacked him after only 3 days because he got his todger caught in the potato peeler. Is that right?"
"Certainly is" said the fish and chip shop owner. "First day was fine, but then he got his todger caught in the potato peeler on Tuesday, and even after I warned him, he got it caught again on Wednesday, so he had to go ."
"Sounds like a health and safety issue to me" said Johnny's father. "I'd like to have a look at this potato peeler".
"Sorry, you can't" said the owner. "I've sacked her as well!"
"What was the problem?" said his father.
"Well" said Johnny, " I was doing really well, sold lots of fish and chips, but then I got my todger caught in the potato peeler".
"What?!" exclaimed his father. "There must be more to it than that! Sounds like a health and safety issue to me". And before Johnny could stop him, he was off to the fish and chip shop to confront the owner.
"My son tells me that you sacked him after only 3 days because he got his todger caught in the potato peeler. Is that right?"
"Certainly is" said the fish and chip shop owner. "First day was fine, but then he got his todger caught in the potato peeler on Tuesday, and even after I warned him, he got it caught again on Wednesday, so he had to go ."
"Sounds like a health and safety issue to me" said Johnny's father. "I'd like to have a look at this potato peeler".
"Sorry, you can't" said the owner. "I've sacked her as well!"
Woodmagnet
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:lol: :lol: :lol:
