Jokes!!

[MikeG.]

Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover around on the Sandringham estate when suddenly a corgi rushed out in front of him from behind a bush. He didn't have time to stop or swerve, and squished it flat.

He got out of the car, and recognising that the corgi he had just turned to mush was his mother's favourite just stood there distraught, head in hands.

"What am I going to do? Mama's favourite corgi and I've flattened it. Oh dear me......"

Just when he had plucked up the courage to go and tell the Queen of her loss, out from behind a tree popped a leprechaun!!!

"It'll be your lucky day, Sir, it will" said the leprechaun.

"Lucky day?! I've just run over my mother's favourite corgi......how can it be my lucky day?"

"Well, you've just met Seamus the Leprechaun, and he grants you two wishes"

"You have magic powers?" asks the Prince.

"Of course" said Seamus, "and you can have two wishes".

"Ok", said Charles quickly......."My first wish is that you restore this corgi to life".

Seamus walked over to the flattened corgi, took one look at the squished body and said "No chance, sorry. That dog is squashed flat and beyond even my powers. Absolutely nothing can be done for it, poor soul. Its gone. Dead. History. Kaput."

Charles thought for a minute and then asked...."I still have one wish left?"

"Surely, you do" said Seamus.

"Right, my good man......my second wish is that you make Camilla beautiful"

Seamus replied:
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"Right, let's take another look at that corgi then Sir"


Mike

 

[jaymar]

A family take an old lady to a nursing home to see if she likes it. Next morning she is bathed, dressed and given some breakfast. Tge attendant settles her in a comfy chair and leaves her, A little while later, as he is passing the attendant notices the old lady lslowly leaning over. he rushes to her side and gently straightens her up . She is ok for a few minutes then once again she starts leaning. This goes on all morning. After lunch her family arrive to see how she is doing "How do you like it here?" asks her daughter.
"Well, it's alright" said the old lady "But they won't let me fart!"

 

[loftyhermes]

Here's just a few occaisions that Hallmark cards don't cover.

1. I always wanted
To have someone to hold,
Someone to love.
After meeting you ...

(inside card)......

I changed my mind.


2. I must admit,
You brought religion into my life ...

(inside card)....

I never believed in Hell
Until I met you.


3. As the days go by,
I think how lucky I am ...

(inside card)....

That you're not here
To ruin it for me.


4. Congratulations on your promotion.
Before you go ...

(inside card)

Will you take the knife from my back?
You'll probably need it again.


5. Someday I hope to marry ...

(inside card).......

Someone other than you.


6. Happy birthday!
You look great for your age ...

(inside card)......

Almost life-like!


7. When we were together,
You said you'd die for me ...

(inside card)......

Now we've broken up,
I think it's time
To keep your promise.


8. We've been friends for a very long time ...

(inside card)........

What do you say we stop?


9. I'm so miserable without you ..

(inside card).......

It's almost like you're still here.


10. Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. .

(inside card).....

Did you ever find out who the father was?


11. You are such a good friend
If we were on a sinking ship
And there was only one life jacket ...

(inside card)........

I'd miss you terribly
And think of you often.


12. Your friends and I wanted
to do something really special
for your birthday ...

(inside card)........

So we're having you put to sleep.


13. Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!
(Available only in Alabama, Mississippi, and
West Virginia).


14. Looking back over the years
We've been together,
I can't help but wonder ..


(inside card)........

What was I thinking?


15. Congratulations on your wedding day! ...

(inside card).......

Too bad no one likes your husband.


16. How could two people as beautiful as you ...

(inside card)........

Have such an ugly baby

 

[loftyhermes]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences; he thought he was God and I didn't.
2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
4.. I used to have a handle on life but it broke.
5.. Don't take life too seriously; no one gets out alive.
6.. You're just jealous because the voices talk only to me.
7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I'm not a complete ***** -- some parts are just missing.
10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11 NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15.. Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
16.. Being, "over the hill", is much better than being under it!
17.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18.. Procrastinate Now!
19.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts. Do You want Fries With That?
20.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22.. Stupidity is not a handicap; park elsewhere!
23.. They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24.. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25.. A picture is worth a thousand words but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26.. Ham and eggs? A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.
28.. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
29.. I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

 

[woodbloke]

A game of golf



Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument, go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, 'Let's do it! We'll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.'

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, 'Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can't take her eyes off it.'

Number 2 guy says, 'I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.'

Number 3 guy says 'Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.'

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

'I can't believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I woke up, slapped my wife on the butt and said, 'Well babe, Merry Christmas! It's a great morning for either *** or golf.'



......and she said





'Take a sweater'.

 

[toysandboats]

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire
while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,

"Do you want to have ***?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And then the fight started....


********

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'

And she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience
at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have
gotten Disability, too'

And then the fight started.....


****

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage .

I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back
out into a torrential downpour .

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped
back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And that's how the fight started ...


****

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she
sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'she's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those many & years ago, and I
hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go o n
celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I rear-ended a car this morning.

So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other
driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little
things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I
AM NOT HAPPY! !!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are
you?'

And then the fight started.....


****

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason,
took my order first.

'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And then the fight started.....


****

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me
a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's darn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

 

[Derek Willis.]

]This may just tickle your fancy.
Derek.


A woman went to a WalMart service counter and told the clerk she wanted a refund

for the toaster she bought because it won't work The clerk told her that he can't give her

a refund because she bought it on special.

Suddenly, the woman threw her arms up in the air and started screaming,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!!!!'

The befuddled clerk ran away to get the store manager In front of a growing crowd of customers.

The manager comes to the woman and asks, 'Ma'am what's wrong?'

She explains the problem with the toaster, and he also tells her that he can't give her a refund because she bought it on special.

Once again, the woman throws her arms up in the air and screams,



'PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES,PINCH MY NIPPLES!!!'?

Which begins to draw an even bigger crowd!

In shock, the store manager pleads,

'Ma'am, why are you saying that?'



In a huff, the woman says,





'BECAUSE, I LIKE TO HAVE MY NIPPLES PINCHED WHEN I'M BEING SCREWED!!'

The crowd broke into applause and her money was quickly refunded!!


Now stop laughing and send it to your friends.

 

[Benchwayze]

Prince Charles was driving his Range Rover around on the Sandringham estate when suddenly a corgi rushed out in front of him from behind a bush. He didn't have time to stop or swerve, and squished it flat.

He got out of the car, and recognising that the corgi he had just turned to mush was his mother's favourite just stood there distraught, head in hands.

"What am I going to do? Mama's favourite corgi and I've flattened it. Oh dear me......"

Just when he had plucked up the courage to go and tell the Queen of her loss, out from behind a tree popped a leprechaun!!!

"It'll be your lucky day, Sir, it will" said the leprechaun.

"Lucky day?! I've just run over my mother's favourite corgi......how can it be my lucky day?"

"Well, you've just met Seamus the Leprechaun, and he grants you two wishes"

"You have magic powers?" asks the Prince.

"Of course" said Seamus, "and you can have two wishes".

"Ok", said Charles quickly......."My first wish is that you restore this corgi to life".

Seamus walked over to the flattened corgi, took one look at the squished body and said "No chance, sorry. That dog is squashed flat and beyond even my powers. Absolutely nothing can be done for it, poor soul. Its gone. Dead. History. Kaput."

Charles thought for a minute and then asked...."I still have one wish left?"

"Surely, you do" said Seamus.

"Right, my good man......my second wish is that you make Camilla beautiful"

Seamus replied:
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"Right, let's take another look at that corgi then Sir"


Mike

He can't drive on the road:
He can't see a Corgi:
He gets married to Camilla:

Maybe he should have wished for some specs!

 

[Derek Willis.]

>> When in England, at a fairly large conference,
>> Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if
>> our plans for Iraq were just an example of 'Empire
>> building' by George Bush. He answered by saying,
>> 'Over the years, the United States has sent many of its
>> fine young men and women into great peril to fight for
>> freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have
>> ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did
>> not return.'
>> You could have heard a pin drop.
>>
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> There was a conference in France where a
>> number of international engineers were taking part,
>> including French and American.
>>
>>
>> During a break, one of the French engineers
>> came back into the room saying, 'Have you heard the
>> latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft
>> carrier to Indonesia to help the Tsunami victims. What does
>> he intend to do, bomb them?'
>> A Boeing engineer stood up and replied
>> quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board
>> that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear-
>> powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore
>> facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to
>> feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce
>> several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each
>> day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in
>> transporting victims and injured to and from their flight
>> deck.'
>> 'We have 11 such ships; how many does
>> France have?'
>>
>> You could have heard a pin drop..
>>
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval
>> conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English,
>> Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail
>> reception, he found himself standing with a large group of
>> Officers that included personnel from most of those
>> countries.
>> Everyone was chatting away in English
>> as they sipped their drinks, but a French Admiral suddenly
>> complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages,
>> Americans learn only English.' He then asked, 'Why
>> is it that we always have to speak English in these
>> conferences rather than speaking French?'
>> Without hesitating, the American Admiral
>> replied 'Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians,
>> Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have
>> to speak German.'
>>
>> You could have heard a pin drop
>>
>>
>> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>>
>> AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE
>> ABOVE...
>>
>>
>> Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of
>> 83, arrived in Paris by plane.
>>
>> At French Customs, he took a few minutes to
>> locate his passport in his carry on.
>> 'You have been to France before,
>> monsieur?' the Customs officer asked sarcastically.
>> Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to
>> France previously.
>> 'Then you should know enough to have
>> your passport ready.'
>> The American said,' The last time I
>> was here, I didn't have to
>> show it.'
>> "Impossible. Americans always have to
>> show your passports on arrival in France!'
>> The American senior gave the Frenchman a
>> long hard
>> look. Then he quietly explained,
>> "'Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day
>> in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find a
>> single Frenchmen to show a passport to.'
>>
>> You could have heard
>> a pin drop.

 

[woodbloke]

Gordon Brown was visiting a primary school in North Yorkshire where helooked in on one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words andtheir meanings.

The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the
discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of
a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who
lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said Brown........' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying
fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Mr. Brown ' that's what we would
call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon
Brown searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and your entire labour cabinet was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Brown. 'That's right. And can you tell
me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because
it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f**king accident either!'

 

[Benchwayze]

I can't really comment on that one! On the grounds I might be divulging my political leanings; or my familiarity with portable G to A Missiles.

 

[NickWelford]

Always raises a smile - but seems to have been applied to just about every administration for years...........

 

[Benchwayze]

Are you saying it's an old 'joke' Nick? :lol:

 

[woodbloke]

This from somewhere else :wink:...across the pond :lol:


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army Magazine of Preventive Maintenance.

"Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend. -U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs always hit the ground." -U.S. Air Force

"If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual

"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. MacArthur

"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal

"You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal

"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S. Navy Swabbie

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal

"No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon

"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies

 

[RogerM]

After months of saving, Italian Genaro purchases a £300 pair of Boccelli leather shoes. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement.

Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.

He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, 'Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?'

Startled, Sophia replies, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, But how do you know?'

Gennaro answers, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.

Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks,

' Rosa , do you wear white panties tonight?'

Rosa answers, 'Yes, Gennaro, I do, But how do you know that?'

He replies, 'I see the reflection in my new £300 Boccelli leather shoes.

For the last dance Gennaro asks Carmela to dance.

Midway through the dance his face turns red.

He states, 'Carmela, be stilla my heart, Please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, Please, please, tella me this true!'

Carmela smiles coyly and answers, 'Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.'

Gennaro gasps, 'Thanka God .... I thought I had a crack in my £300 Boccelli leather shoes!'

 

[Benchwayze]

Always raises a smile - but seems to have been applied to just about every administration for years...........

Ref your signature Nick,
Inside this older person is a younger person saying,

'They warned me about this, but at the time I believed I was immortal!'
:lol:

 

[Steve Maskery]

Walter's Wonderful World of Wasps

Walter Willoughby was a wasp expert. He reckoned he could identify any wasp just by the sound it makes. You could say that he was a bit of a Wizard with Wasps.

One day Walter was walking past Rodney’s Records, when he spotted something in the window. It was an old shabby LP called The Wonderful World of Wasps.

“Ooh, that’s interesting”, thought Walter, “The Wonderful World of Wasps. that’s right up my street. If there is anything new on there I’ll be even more of a wizard on wasps”.

Walter went inside and went up to Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, to enquire about the record in the window. “Hello,” said Walter, “I’d like to listen to the record you have in the window, Wasp World”.

“Oh yes,” replied Rodney, “do you mean The Wonderful World of Wasps?”

“Yes, that’s the one,” replied Walter, “The wonderful World of Wasps. You see, I am a big fan of wasps; I can identify any wasp just from its sound. In fact, some people say that I’m a bit of a wizard with wasps.”

“I’ll put it on for you, you can listen in booth number 4.”

So Walter went over to the booth and put on the headphones.

Imagine his delight when the sound started. The very first track was a brand new sound he’d never heard before! More wonderful wasp sounds to make him even more of a wizard with wasps. Fantastic!

But wait – what’s this? Track 2 was new, too. Surely not, TWO new wasps sounds he hadn’t heard before, this was wonderful beyond his wildest dreams.

But then came track three and track four, both brand new wasp sounds. This was getting fishy and Walter didn’t like it. Perhaps he wasn’t such a wizard after all. Walter reckoned something must be wrong.

So he went back to Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, and asked:

“I’m sorry to bother you, Rodney, but I am an expert on wasps. I can identify any wasp by its sound, that’s why people say that I am a bit of a wizard with wasps. But this record is full of sounds I’ve not heard before. That seems very strange. Can you please check that you put the right record on?”

Now Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, was none too pleased at having his professional competence queried, but he knew of Walter’s reputation as a bit of a wizard with wasps, so he went to check. It was a good job he did, really, because he had to come back and eat humble pie.

“I’m terribly sorry, Walter,” admitted Rodney, the Sole Prop of Rodney’s Records, “I made a mistake.”
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“I’d put on the bee side!”

 

[Geno]

Thats terrible Steve!!!

 

[brianhabby]

:lol: :lol:

 

[RogerM]

This lady approaches a priest and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.'

'What do they say?' the priest asked.

'They only know how to say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?''

'That's terrible!' the priest exclaimed, 'But I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship.'

'Thank you,' said the lady.

The next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and the female parrots say, 'Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some fun?'

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and screams, 'Frank! Put the Bibles away--our prayers have been answered!'