Jokes

[bobthejoiner]

See if you can do this. Read each line without making any mistakes.
If you make a mistake you have to start over.

This is the cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is a cat
This is dummy cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now , go back and read the THIRD word in each line from the top.

 

[bobthejoiner]

The first line should be:
This is this cat

sorry guys

 

[Anonymous]

One day God calls down to Noah and says, "Noah me old china, I want you to make me a new Ark". Noah replies, "No probs God, me old Supreme Being anything you want after all you're the guv'

.. But God interrupts, "Ah, but there's a catch. This time Noah, I want not just a couple of decks, . . I want 20 decks one on top of the other".

"20 DECKS!", screams Noah. "Well, OK Big Man, whatever you say. Should I fill it up with all the animals just like last time?"

"Yep, that's right, well . . sort of right . . this time I want you to fill it up with fish", God answers.

"Fish?", queries Noah "Yep, fish . . well, to make it more specific Noah, I want carp - wall to wall, floor to ceiling -Carp!"

Noah looks to the skies. "OK God my old mucker, let me get this right, you want a New Ark?"

"That's right".

"With 20 decks, one on top of the other?".

"Check".

"And you want it full of Carp?".

"Indeed".

"Why?" asks the perplexed Noah, who was slowly but surely getting to the end of his tether..........................


"Dunno", says God, "I just fancied a Multi-Storey Carp Ark

 

[llangatwgnedd]

>David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous
>experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of
>the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace:
>
>
>
>Victoria admiringly watching her husband.
>
>
>
>After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his
>grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting
>for it to stop.
>
>
>
>Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as
>David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only
>saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the
>horses neck.
>
>
>
>David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his
>foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
>
>
>
>As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is
>slipping into unconsciousness.
>
>
>
>Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
>
>
>
>Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and
>
>
>
>unplugs the horse !

 

[llangatwgnedd]

3 Men in a Sauna:

Three men, one American, one Japanese and an Irishman were
sitting naked in a sauna.



Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The American pressed his
forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at him questioningly. "That
was my pager," he said. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."




A few minutes later a phone rang. The Japanese fellow lifted his
palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile
phone.


I have a microchip in my hand.



The Irishman felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he
decided he had to do something just as impressive
.
He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.



He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from
his behind.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him.
The Irishman finally said
----"Well will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."




,

 

[Anonymous]

Hi SDP



I really liked that one!

Yours

Gill

 

[Anonymous]

Two Irishmen are walking down a road when they come across a mirror.
One says to the other "Whats that then?", to which the other replies, "Its a picture. The face looks farmiliar, but I cant put a name to it."
On hearing this the other Irishman walks over to take a look, and says "Ah you daft begger, thats me that is".

 

[Anonymous]

An old building site joke

you've laid a floor and can't find your level how do you check it's right.

entice a GF into the middle of the floor if he dribbles out of both sides of his mouth its ok. But the acid test is get the Agent into the room if he keeps staggering into all the walls its perfect cause there's never been an agent on an even keel

 

[llangatwgnedd]

The Welsh Assembly announced today the arrival of Wales second airport, the Gurnos Estate International Airport in Merthyr Tydfil, the first flight to arrive was the 11.50 Virgin Airlines Cross Atlantic flight form America. The people from Gurnos estate were so excited to meet the flight as it was the first Virgin seen in the area for 20 years. The return journey back to America was due for departure at 12.30, this was delayed because when the pilot went to the aircraft he found it to be up on blocks and striped to the bone. As a result every house in the Gurnos now has a new hall carpet, every lounge now has a reclining chair, every bed has new pillow cases, and Mrs Bowen who is living on the end of the street has a new number for the house, number 747.

 

[Anonymous]

:lol: :lol: :lol:

joking aside - BA used to do a good carpet for the aisles. I kewn a BA fitter & carpeted my halll & stairs.

 

[Jaco]

Kostas and his wife Eleni were working in the garden one day when Kostas
looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big. I
mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbeque."

With that he proceeded to measure the grill and then went over to where
Eleni was working and measured his Eleni's bottom. "Yes, I was right
your butt is two inches wider than the barbeque!!!"

Eleni chose to ignore her husband.

Later that night in bed, Kostas is feeling a little frisky. He makes
some advances towards Eleni, who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?" he asks.
She answers, "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big ***
grill for one little souvlaki?"

 

[Anonymous]

1. How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...B-2.. a-10

2. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from.

3. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

4. Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off.

5. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force

6. What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? Turkey

7. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have curds in their whey.

8. What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador

9. How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb? We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

10. What is Iraq's national bird? Duck

11. What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud missile? Aeroflot has killed more people.

12. How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out the window and see Rubble

13. Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.

 

[bobthejoiner]

Operations

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating
table, because when you open them up, everything
inside is numbered,"

The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians. Everything
inside them is color coded,"

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best;
everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

The fourth surgeon chimes in: "You know, I like construction workers.
They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the
end and when the job takes longer than you said it would."

But the fifth surgeon, Dr. Morris Fishbein, shuts them all up when he
observes: "The French are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts,
no heart, no balls and no spine. Plus the head and *** are
interchangeable."

 

[Charley]

It's Saturday morning and Bob's just about to set off on a round of golf, when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So Bob heads back to the clubhouse and phones home.

"Hello?" says a little girl's voice.

"Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says Bob. "Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Bob says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Frank, honey!"

"Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!"

"Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Frank that my car's just pulled up outside the house."

"Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy."

"And what happened?"

"Well, Mommy jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and fell out the front window and now she's all dead."

"Oh, my God! What about Uncle Frank?"

"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on too, and he was all scared and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too."

There is a long pause.

"Swimming pool? Is this 854-7039?"

 

[Jaco]

A local preacher was paying a visit to one of his church members
on a Friday night, and heard a loud party as he approached the
house.

He knocked on the door and the owner answered. Behind him, he saw
a circle of naked men, with blindfolded women moving from man to
man, fondling each man's package, and guessing who it was.

The preacher, seeing this, said, "I'm sorry. I don't think I'd
fit in here right now."

"Nonsense," the man replied. "Your name's been called three times
already

 

[Jaco]

How do you play Iraqi bingo? B-52...F-16...B-2.. a-10

2. What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common? They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from.

3. How many Americans does it take to screw in a light bulb? Only one, but from 30 miles away using laser targeting, and at a cost of $800,000.

4. Why is it twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots? You only have to teach them to take off.

5. Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats? So they can see their Air Force

6. What does Saddam want for Thanksgiving? Turkey

7. What do Miss Muffet and Saddam Hussein have in common? They both have curds in their whey.

8. What is the best Iraqi job? Foreign Ambassador

9. How many members of the coalition does it take to screw in a light bulb? We are not prepared to comment on specific numbers at this time.

10. What is Iraq's national bird? Duck

11. What's the difference between Aeroflot and the Scud missile? Aeroflot has killed more people.

12. How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone? Both may look out the window and see Rubble

13. Why do all Iraqi soldiers carry a piece of sandpaper? They need a map.

 

[Jaco]

Big humble apologies for posting this last one, had been posted.
I must have had a senior moment!

 

[Anonymous]

Don't forget to apologise twice to keep constant :lol:

 

[Jaco]

I do humbly apologize again.

here is a new one ....

A very attractive woman goes up to the cash register in a restaurant.
She gestures to a man behind the counter, who, after viewing her assets,
comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face
closer to hers.
When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which slowly
turns red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both
hands.
"Actually, no," he replies. I'm the manager."
"Can you get the owner for me? I need to speak to him," she says,
running her hands up beyond his ears and through his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathes the manager. "He is not in today.
Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues
huskily,
popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them
gently.
"Tell him," she says, "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the
ladies loo

 

[Anonymous]

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter Evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.
Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. “Look, there is a couple who has been through alot together, probably for 60 years or more!”
The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half. He placed one half in front of the little old lady. Then he carefully counted out the French fries, divided them in Two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of her. He took a sip of the drink, and then she took a sip as the man began to eat his few bites.
Again, you could tell what people around the old couple were thinking.
“That poor old couple, they don’t have enough money.” As the old man began to eat his French fries, one young man stood and came over to the old couples’ table. He politely offered to buy another meal. The old man replied that they were just fine. They were used to sharing everything.
Then the crowd noticed that the little old lady hadn’t eaten a thing...
She just sat there watching him eat and occasionally sipped some of the drink.
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy them something to eat.
This time, the lady explained that no, they were used to sharing, and one meal was more than enough for the two of them. As the little old man finished eating and was wiping his face neatly with a napkin, the young man could stand it no longer and asked . “Ma’am, why aren’t you eating then. You said that you share everything.
What is it that you are waiting for?”
She answered, ... “The teeth