Joke thread
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Steve Beck
Member
Flat out great tale!
MorrisWoodman12
Established Member
When a cat is dropped it always lands on it’s feet and when toast is dropped it always lands butter side down. Therefore if a slice of toast, buttered side up, is strapped to a cat’s back and the animal is then dropped, the two opposing forces will cause it to hover, spinning inches above the ground. If enough toast laden felines are used they could form the basis of a high-speed monorail system….. and then this email received a reply from one of it’s recipients:
I’ve been thinking about this cat/toast business for quite a while. In the buttered toast case it’s the butter that causes it to land buttered side down: it doesn’t have to be toast as the theory works perfectly well with Jacob’s crackers. To save money you just miss out the toast – and butter the cats. Also should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter there are other substances that have a stronger affinity to carpet. The probability of carpet impact is is determined by the simple formula:
where p is the probability of harmful carpet impact,
s is the stain factor of the toast covering substance, which is an indicator of the efficacy of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. (Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high ‘s’ value while the ‘s’ value of water tends toward zero.)
t(t) and tc indicate the tone of the topping and the carpet.
The value of p is strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and the topping as even Chicken Tikka Masala will not cause an obvious, damaging stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet, in fact this combination gives a p value of 1, which is the same as as the probability of a cat landing upon it’s feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat causing a terrible monorail crash. This will result in nauseating images of royal personages visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn’t have happened if their party had been in power as there would have been more investment into cat-toast-glue research. Therefore it is in the interests of public safety and sanity if the buttered-toast-on-cats idea is scrapped and replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala, floating above a rail made from white shag carpet.
I’ve been thinking about this cat/toast business for quite a while. In the buttered toast case it’s the butter that causes it to land buttered side down: it doesn’t have to be toast as the theory works perfectly well with Jacob’s crackers. To save money you just miss out the toast – and butter the cats. Also should there be an imbalance between the effects of cat and butter there are other substances that have a stronger affinity to carpet. The probability of carpet impact is is determined by the simple formula:
p = s * t(t) / tc,
where p is the probability of harmful carpet impact,
s is the stain factor of the toast covering substance, which is an indicator of the efficacy of the toast topping in permanently staining the carpet. (Chicken Tikka Masala, for example, has a very high ‘s’ value while the ‘s’ value of water tends toward zero.)
t(t) and tc indicate the tone of the topping and the carpet.
The value of p is strongly related to the relationship between the colour of the carpet and the topping as even Chicken Tikka Masala will not cause an obvious, damaging stain if the carpet is the same colour. So it is obvious that the probability of carpet impact is maximised if you use Chicken Tikka Masala and a white carpet, in fact this combination gives a p value of 1, which is the same as as the probability of a cat landing upon it’s feet. Therefore a cat with Chicken Tikka Masala will be certain to hover in mid air, while there could be problems with buttered toast as the toast may fall off the cat causing a terrible monorail crash. This will result in nauseating images of royal personages visiting accident victims in hospital, and politicians saying it wouldn’t have happened if their party had been in power as there would have been more investment into cat-toast-glue research. Therefore it is in the interests of public safety and sanity if the buttered-toast-on-cats idea is scrapped and replaced by a monorail powered by cats smeared with Chicken Tikka Masala, floating above a rail made from white shag carpet.
Doug B
Shy Tot
Zedgeezer
Established Member
Please tell me this joke has been posted somewhere before, it seems to be so obvious, but sometimes you just need a bit of lateral thought. If it's original then full marks, you've got my vote!
Jameshow
Established Member
Been round the internet more times the Greta and Attenborough have been round the world! Alot!!
Zedgeezer
Established Member
I suspected that, although I didn't realise Greta & Attenborough were now a couple. That image doesn't sit well with me!
sploo
Somewhat extinguished member
The cats/buttered toast system has long been known as the propulsion method of all movie UFOs. It's the reason they always make that strange humming noise... meeeeeeeeeeeoow.
Is that not the new line in Tescos for the eco clothes wear range
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
MorrisWoodman12
Established Member
And not just UFOs. How about Japanese motorcycles and yobs (can we still call them that in this pc/woke age?) so called high performance cars?
Im joining the anti Vac protest its great to see more husbands are not happy when the wife decides to clean when theres something good on telly
sploo
Somewhat extinguished member
Ah, the One-point-f***-all-Vauxhall-Nova Massive.
I think there was a period about 20 years ago where UK housing was getting so expensive that lots of young men couldn't afford a home, so they lived with their parents and put their earnings into chav-boy special cars. I don't see quite so many drainpipe exhausts and lowered cars these days. I guess now the youngsters have so little money that they can't even afford to do that.
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