Joke thread

[IZZY]

WOMAN'S POEM

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long.
One who thinks before he speaks.
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man, who'll make love to my mind.
He knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end.
And he'll always be my very best friend.

MAN'S POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with huge ****s who owns a liquor store and a golf course.
I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a monkeys.

You missed the word 'sterile' before the word deaf.

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 128072

 

[Doug B]

 

[Droogs]

 

[Recky33]

My dad was addicted to brake fluid, he said to me that he could stop anytime he liked

 

[dzj]

You can imagine the thoughts going through his head.
Am I hallucinating? Am I going mad? Is it the work of the devil?
Should I share my finding with others? What if the bird doesn't speak when other people are around?
Do other animals also speak? Are they listening in on our conversations? Is it the end of speciesism?...

Amusing to consider, but strictly speaking, it's not a joke in the traditional sense.

 

[Doug B]

 

[stuart little]

View attachment 128203

WTF is Sue Gray?

 

[Linus]

WTF is Sue Gray?

Tell me you live in the Orkneys with no radio tv or newspapers!

 

[mikej460]

A woman purchases a parrot for only £5.

"Well, I must confess, it was brought up in a brothel," says the shopkeeper. "And, to put it politely, it has quite an extensive vocabulary."

"Never mind," says the woman. "At that price, I'll take it."

So she takes the parrot home, puts its cage in the living room and takes the cover off.

"New place - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's two daughters walk in.

"New place, new girls - very nice," says the parrot.

Then the woman's husband walks in, and the parrot says, "Oh hello, Keith!"

 

[stuart little]

Tell me you live in the Orkneys with no radio tv or newspapers!

I don't read newspapers, I no longer listen to the radio, nor do I watch the news - just my own choice.

 

[Daniel2]

I don't read newspapers, I no longer listen to the radio, nor do I watch the news - just my own choice.

A quick Google of "who is Sue Gray" will inform you.

 

[Blackswanwood]

 

[Fidget]

"Analysing comedy is like dissecting a frog. Nobody laughs and the frog dies" Barry Cryer. RIP

 

[Doug B]

 

[selectortone]

 

[Doug B]

 

[Cozzer]

WTF is Sue Gray?

Not for the first time, Stuart, but.....

Oh! Come on!

 

[user 38384]

 

[IZZY]

WTF is Sue Gray?

Yet another of the shades of grey that inhabit the ruling classes.