Joke thread
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Robbo3
Established Member
At the end of the tax year, The Taxation Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
While the agent was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said
“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"
"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."
"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.
But on he went, in his obnoxious way.
"What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"
"Ah, yes," replied the executive, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."
"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all executive. "Well, What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"
"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive.
"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Doug B
Shy Tot
My dad was foreman of a department in a factory. He had an arrangement with the stores foreman for dealing with gobby new teenagers who knew it all. He would send them to the stores to ask for a "long stand".
The conversation as reported back to him usually went something like this:
KnowItAll: Hi. I've been sent by Rick for a long stand.
Stores Foreman: OK. Just wait there.
[time passes]
K: Hey!. Where's this long stand?
S: You're getting it. Just wait there...
[ more time passes ]
[ penny drops ]
[ K storms off in a huff ]
The conversation as reported back to him usually went something like this:
KnowItAll: Hi. I've been sent by Rick for a long stand.
Stores Foreman: OK. Just wait there.
[time passes]
K: Hey!. Where's this long stand?
S: You're getting it. Just wait there...
[ more time passes ]
[ penny drops ]
[ K storms off in a huff ]
Jameshow
Established Member
Not jokes but some right stories here!
https://www.northlincsweb.net/ParkinsonsShipley/html/doug-s_tales_etc.html
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Striped paint, left handed screwdrivers, skirting ladders, buckets of steam, long weights, fallopian tubes, sky hooks ...
Inspector
Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck!
Don't forget the better adjustable wrenches have temperature compensating jaws.
Aircraft mechanic related. Send the apprentice or new guy in stores off to look for flight line, prop wash, mag drops, the previously mentioned sky hooks and a few I've forgotten. It can work the other way at times though. The chief mechanic of the light aircraft section told me to use Mouse Milk on the turbo charger linkages of the aircraft I was working on. There was no way I was going to fall for that one. He stopped what he was doing and went to the oil and grease cabinet and handed me a little can of, yup you got it, Mouse Milk.
Pete
Aircraft mechanic related. Send the apprentice or new guy in stores off to look for flight line, prop wash, mag drops, the previously mentioned sky hooks and a few I've forgotten. It can work the other way at times though. The chief mechanic of the light aircraft section told me to use Mouse Milk on the turbo charger linkages of the aircraft I was working on. There was no way I was going to fall for that one. He stopped what he was doing and went to the oil and grease cabinet and handed me a little can of, yup you got it, Mouse Milk.
Pete
Cozzer
Established Member
Nervous because it was my first time in a recording studio, I kept dropping my guitar pick.
The vocalist gave me some advice.... "You need some gorilla snot on your thumb...."
And yes, you're ahead of me!
Cozzer
Established Member
Talking of true tales, an old workmate of mine travelled right around the Far East, and unusually (for the time) also included Vietnam.
He assured us the following was true...
He'd taken a bus trip up country to visit some site or other, and found himself seated next to one of the most beautiful girls he'd ever seen.
Needless to say he added certain information from a male perspective - beautiful breasts almost spilling out of her blouse, fantastic legs, astoundingly gorgeous face, glossy black mane of hair....all the usual rubbish that blokes drool over.
What with her being really close by and the bus vibrations, he found himself thinking "Don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection..."
He didn't, but he noticed that she had....
(I'll explain it to you later, Stuart!)
He assured us the following was true...
He'd taken a bus trip up country to visit some site or other, and found himself seated next to one of the most beautiful girls he'd ever seen.
Needless to say he added certain information from a male perspective - beautiful breasts almost spilling out of her blouse, fantastic legs, astoundingly gorgeous face, glossy black mane of hair....all the usual rubbish that blokes drool over.
What with her being really close by and the bus vibrations, he found himself thinking "Don't get an erection. Please don't get an erection..."
He didn't, but he noticed that she had....
(I'll explain it to you later, Stuart!)
user 38384
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Trainee neophyte
Established Member
My favourite was a bag of sparks for the grinder. Make sure to wet the bag, obviously.
Boringgeoff
Established Member
A bloke I worked with told me he'd worked in a boat yard and was sent to the store to get a bucket of "propeller pitch". The storeman sent him back to the workshop to find out what degree of pitch was required.
Vann
Established Member
We needed to clean a vehicle before repainting. I got sent to ask the storeman for a tin of "Vacuum". I got most of the way there before the penny dropped.
"Vacuum" cleaner - it sounded reasonable (at first)...
Cheers, Vann.
"Vacuum" cleaner - it sounded reasonable (at first)...
Cheers, Vann.
Robbo3
Established Member
How to Clean the Toilet ...
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three and or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three and or four times. This provides a "power-wash"
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet , streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
The 'team' tried one on me when i was training to be a chef. I got given a bowl of cream i had to whip up. Unbeknownst to me it was single cream not double, so pretty much no way to whip it, it remains runny.
I was at it for 15 mins and getting nowhere, so asked the head waiter who said he thought it was single cream and told me how to do it.
I needed to add lots of sugar and place the bowl in the freezer for several minutes and lo and behold i managed to whip the cream to quite a thick consistency.
Presented the bowl to the head chef and left them to wonder how the **** i'd managed it
I was at it for 15 mins and getting nowhere, so asked the head waiter who said he thought it was single cream and told me how to do it.
I needed to add lots of sugar and place the bowl in the freezer for several minutes and lo and behold i managed to whip the cream to quite a thick consistency.
Presented the bowl to the head chef and left them to wonder how the **** i'd managed it
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
On a large construction site we had a tractor driver sent from site to site for a whole day looking for surplus sky hooks.
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
An electrician I knew had a problem and had his apprentice check a piece of cable in case a square amp was stuck in it.
Droogs
Not the Sharpest Moderator in the box
When I was a sprog at HQ Strike in High Wycombe and working in the communications centre, I was sent by my Cpl to go get a chad removal tool (a chad being the little round bit of paper when you punch a hole) as someone had mixed up some top secret pink ones in the box of unclassified white ones by mistake. Unkown to him I realised he was taking the Michael as the pink ones came from the last 6' of tape to show you were running out. I went to the medical centre and got a nurse to give me a hypo needle. was a good 3 hour skive though
treeturner123
Established Member
Quite honestly, anything Left Handed eg
Tooth Brush
Combe
Garden Fork
BUT NOT
Secateurs
Cheque books
Scissors
There used to be a Left Handed shop in the back streets of Worcester which had no end of left handed items.
BTW, a carpenter told me he was always welcome on building sites to help roofers as he was left handed and could cut the left hand ends from Purlins, battens etc.
Phil
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