Joke thread
- Thread starter Noel
- Start date
Help Support UKworkshop.co.uk:
- Status
I went out for a walk today and I saw a farmer. I know he was a really good farmer because he was out standing in his field.
Kittyhawk
Established Member
Now that's funny. And clever,
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Used to be a scarecrow.
A chap enters a pub and asks the landlord "I really need a pint but I'm skint at the moment, any chance of one now and I'll pay next time I come in?"
The landlord replies " sorry no money, no drink and I've never seen you before so don't know that you'd come back."
"Well how about if I show you something amazing you've never seen before, could I get a pint then?" the chap replies.
The landlord says "OK if it's really amazing,1 free pint"
The chap reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a tiny piano and stool places them on the bar, reaches into his pocket again and takes out a hamster and places it beside the piano. The hamster stands up on it's back legs bows to the landlord walks over and sits on the piano stool and proceeds to play a note perfect rendition of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
The landlord is astounded as are the other customers in the pub who have gathered around to watch, the chap gets his pint and the landlord opens a packet of peanuts for the hamster, the chap drinks it down. "how about another pint?" he asks.
"Sorry" says the landlord" the deal was one pint"
"How about I show you something even more amazing?" the chap asks.
"OK" is the reply "lets see it"
The chap reaches into his other pocket and takes out a frog and places it on the bar, the landlord and customers eagerly crane forward to see what happens.
The frog suddenly starts to speak "good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to see me perform"
He then gives a flawless reading of Wordsworth's I wandered Lonely As A Cloud, followed by a selection of speeches from Shakesspear's plays, he then looks around at the hamster sat at the piano, the hamster nods puts down the peanut he was nibbling and starts to play the National Anthem which the frog then recites perfectly. There is rapturous applause from the room and the chap gets his pint.
As he drinks a guy pushes through the crowd and says how amazing the performance was especially the frog, "you could make a fortune with these two especially the frog, I mean the hamsters fantastic but I suppose another could be trained to play piano, but a talking frog.........."
"I'm not really interested in putting them on show to the masses" the chap replies.
"Well would you consider selling them to me?" asks the guy.
"Hmmm" replies the first chap, "I couldn't sell the hamster I've had him ages he's more like a friend to me but maybe the frog.
"Looks" says the guy "I was just on the way to put a deposit down on a car I want to buy so I've got £2000 in cash here I'll give you for the frog."
"OK then" says the chap he gestures at the frog who is sat with his eyes closed and the hamster who's head is resting on the piano as he snores gently "just so you're aware as you can see performing really takes it out of them, It'll be couple of days before Froggy can speak again."
The guy says that's fine, hands over the cash, scoops up the frog and hurries out of the pub.
The landlord is amazed at this "you must be mad, just £2000 for a talking frog, you could probably have gotten 50 times that for him!"
The chap replies "nah, don't worry the hamsters a ventriloquist too and I've got a pond full of frogs!"
The landlord replies " sorry no money, no drink and I've never seen you before so don't know that you'd come back."
"Well how about if I show you something amazing you've never seen before, could I get a pint then?" the chap replies.
The landlord says "OK if it's really amazing,1 free pint"
The chap reaches into his coat pocket and takes out a tiny piano and stool places them on the bar, reaches into his pocket again and takes out a hamster and places it beside the piano. The hamster stands up on it's back legs bows to the landlord walks over and sits on the piano stool and proceeds to play a note perfect rendition of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.
The landlord is astounded as are the other customers in the pub who have gathered around to watch, the chap gets his pint and the landlord opens a packet of peanuts for the hamster, the chap drinks it down. "how about another pint?" he asks.
"Sorry" says the landlord" the deal was one pint"
"How about I show you something even more amazing?" the chap asks.
"OK" is the reply "lets see it"
The chap reaches into his other pocket and takes out a frog and places it on the bar, the landlord and customers eagerly crane forward to see what happens.
The frog suddenly starts to speak "good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, thank you for coming to see me perform"
He then gives a flawless reading of Wordsworth's I wandered Lonely As A Cloud, followed by a selection of speeches from Shakesspear's plays, he then looks around at the hamster sat at the piano, the hamster nods puts down the peanut he was nibbling and starts to play the National Anthem which the frog then recites perfectly. There is rapturous applause from the room and the chap gets his pint.
As he drinks a guy pushes through the crowd and says how amazing the performance was especially the frog, "you could make a fortune with these two especially the frog, I mean the hamsters fantastic but I suppose another could be trained to play piano, but a talking frog.........."
"I'm not really interested in putting them on show to the masses" the chap replies.
"Well would you consider selling them to me?" asks the guy.
"Hmmm" replies the first chap, "I couldn't sell the hamster I've had him ages he's more like a friend to me but maybe the frog.
"Looks" says the guy "I was just on the way to put a deposit down on a car I want to buy so I've got £2000 in cash here I'll give you for the frog."
"OK then" says the chap he gestures at the frog who is sat with his eyes closed and the hamster who's head is resting on the piano as he snores gently "just so you're aware as you can see performing really takes it out of them, It'll be couple of days before Froggy can speak again."
The guy says that's fine, hands over the cash, scoops up the frog and hurries out of the pub.
The landlord is amazed at this "you must be mad, just £2000 for a talking frog, you could probably have gotten 50 times that for him!"
The chap replies "nah, don't worry the hamsters a ventriloquist too and I've got a pond full of frogs!"
Last edited:
Doug B
Shy Tot
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Worked for Beethoven. 
Doug B
Shy Tot
treeturner123
Established Member
True Story.
My family and I were driving along the road near Skibbereen in County Cork when I said to my wife 'there's a car following us, has been for a while'. Never mind she says, pull in at the next pub, I need the loo anyway. Duly did this, the car pulled up next to us and a man got out and came round to my window!!!
Nervously, I let it down a little and this is what he said (in an Irish Accent):-
'Can you help, I've a car like this and there's a light on on the dash board. Do you know what it means? Its a red light' and, with the window lowered a bit more, he pointed to where it was.
So I told him, it meant that one of his doors or boot wasn't properly closed.
'Oh' says he 'It's been puzzling me for some time now, I'll try to get it fixed' and with a 'Thank You' off he went!!
Phil
Jameshow
Established Member
When we were first married 20 yrs ago my father in law came to visit, I introduced him to our Irish neighbour as my father in law to which he replied I can see the family likeness!!!
Nice guy had a workshop out back should have popped round more often! Gave me a bosch planer and circ saw.
Nice guy had a workshop out back should have popped round more often! Gave me a bosch planer and circ saw.
Lard
Established Member
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Chaim Goldfarb joins a very exclusive nudist colony....
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Chaim immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
He replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Quite content Chaim continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts... Within moments, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
‘No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
‘You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Chaim yells back, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
‘But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Chaim replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day.
--
On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around. A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and Chaim immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?'
He replies, ‘No, what do you mean?’
She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.'
Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her.
Quite content Chaim continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts... Within moments, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
‘No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer.
‘You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says.
Chaim yells back, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.'
‘But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.'
Chaim replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 68 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day.
--
What’s the difference between a cabinet maker, a carpenter and a chippy?
a cabinetmaker works to the nearest thousands of an inch, a carpenter works to the nearest mm and a chippy works to the nearest house!
a cabinetmaker works to the nearest thousands of an inch, a carpenter works to the nearest mm and a chippy works to the nearest house!
Doug B
Shy Tot
Doug B
Shy Tot
the great waldo
Established Member
Tramp walks over to a paint shop opposite his park bench. He walks up to the counter and asks the assistant if he can have a bottle of methylated spirits. The assistant says "I know you, your'e one the alcoholics from the park opposite, i'm not selling it to you to drink" The tramp says to him "Youv'e got it wrong, i've turned over a new leaf and i've got a job as a painter and need the spirits to clean my brushes" The assisatant replies "well that's great news. in that case i'll gladly let you have a bottle" He slides the bottle over the counter to to the tramp, who picks it up and hesitates " you haven't got a cold one by any chance"!!!!
Cheers
Andrew
Cheers
Andrew
- Status
