Jester129
Established Member
Jacob! Get out of the car, NOW!!
Joke thread
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Doug B
Shy Tot
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I actually knew someone who said exactly that. We went around a roundabout and my friend said You don't believe in signalling, then, Ivor? No. he said, it's f.a. to do with anyone else where I'm going.
stuart little
Established Member
Q: How many holes in a US golf course?
A: Depends on how many 'go(l)phers' there are!
A: Depends on how many 'go(l)phers' there are!
Southdownswolf
Established Member
3rd row across, 3rd down, you missed a tick...
Doug B
Shy Tot
Woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
"No more headaches?" The husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.' It worked. The headaches are all gone."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, "Damn! That was wonderful!"
The husband says, "Don't move! I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife.
His funeral service will be held on Saturday
Robbo3
Established Member
Two navvies were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your mate follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your mate follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
DavidRa
Established Member
What is the difference between capitalism and socialism?
Capitalism is man taking from man whereas socialism is the opposite.
Capitalism is man taking from man whereas socialism is the opposite.
Blackswanwood
Still Learning
Robbo3
Established Member
Skinny little man goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch *****, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’
The little white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……
I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch *****, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around'.
The big guy sees the little Irish man staring at him, he looks down and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20-inch *****, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.’
The little white man faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.. The big guy says, ‘What’s wrong with you?’
In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’
The big dude says, ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me……
I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20-inch *****, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The little white man says: ‘Turner Brown?! …. Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, ‘Turn around'.
A young Portsmouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her
life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw
herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.> That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two
weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
life by throwing herself into the sea, but just before she could throw
herself from the wharf, a handsome young man stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we
are off to Australia tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll
take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Australia, the woman accepted.> That night the sailor
brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment
in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three
sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two
weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine
inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He
brings me food and I get a free trip to Australia."
"I see," the captain says.
Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."
"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Isle of Wight Ferry."
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Robbo3
Established Member
Alexa, find me a movie.
Siri: Who is Alexa?
Sorry, I meant Siri.
Siri: Who... Is... Alexa?
Please find me a movie?
Siri: Why don't you ask that b1tch Alexa to find you a movie?
Siri: Who is Alexa?
Sorry, I meant Siri.
Siri: Who... Is... Alexa?
Please find me a movie?
Siri: Why don't you ask that b1tch Alexa to find you a movie?
The Pope wakes up one morning to find he has a severe case of morning wood, he tries to ignore it, gets out of bed, opens the curtains and gazes across the city, reads from the Bible, checks notes for the next sermon, but it just won't go away.
Having failed to subdue it he decides to he'll have to deal with it, drops his pyjama trousers sits on the edge of the bed and takes himself in hand so to speak, just as he finishes he looks up and sees a paparazzi photographer has climbed up onto his balcony and is snapping away through the window.
His Holiness rushes over having pulled up his trousers and flings open the balcony door
" Please you can't publish those pictures you'll ruin me and do irreparable harm to the church" he says.
"Sorry" replies the photographer "but these will make me a lot of cash"
"Look let me buy the memory card and destroy it" Asks the Pope
"Ahh sorry this camera doesn't use memory cards it has a large internal hard drive instead!"
The Pope replies "OK then let me buy the camera, I appeal to you on behalf of the whole Catholic faith, those pictures can not be published just name your price"
After some haggling a deal was done, the hard drive was wiped and the camera left on a table near the balcony door.
A couple of days later a workman came to deliver a new rug and sees the camera, "looks like you've been taking photos of the city your holiness, you must have some great shots from here"
"I'm sorry, what do you mean?" says the Pope
"Well your camera's here by the balcony door, so I thought you'd been taking photos"
"Uhhh, yes, yes that's right I was taking photos" is the reply
The workman says, "that's an impressive looking camera, if you don't mind me asking how much did that cost?"
"50,000 Euros" says the pope
"Bl**dy Hell, 50,000 Euros? The guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
Having failed to subdue it he decides to he'll have to deal with it, drops his pyjama trousers sits on the edge of the bed and takes himself in hand so to speak, just as he finishes he looks up and sees a paparazzi photographer has climbed up onto his balcony and is snapping away through the window.
His Holiness rushes over having pulled up his trousers and flings open the balcony door
" Please you can't publish those pictures you'll ruin me and do irreparable harm to the church" he says.
"Sorry" replies the photographer "but these will make me a lot of cash"
"Look let me buy the memory card and destroy it" Asks the Pope
"Ahh sorry this camera doesn't use memory cards it has a large internal hard drive instead!"
The Pope replies "OK then let me buy the camera, I appeal to you on behalf of the whole Catholic faith, those pictures can not be published just name your price"
After some haggling a deal was done, the hard drive was wiped and the camera left on a table near the balcony door.
A couple of days later a workman came to deliver a new rug and sees the camera, "looks like you've been taking photos of the city your holiness, you must have some great shots from here"
"I'm sorry, what do you mean?" says the Pope
"Well your camera's here by the balcony door, so I thought you'd been taking photos"
"Uhhh, yes, yes that's right I was taking photos" is the reply
The workman says, "that's an impressive looking camera, if you don't mind me asking how much did that cost?"
"50,000 Euros" says the pope
"Bl**dy Hell, 50,000 Euros? The guy who sold you that must have seen you coming!"
A class from a school for blind children has taken them on a coach trip to the seaside chaperoned by two male teachers. As they get fairly close to being back at the school one teacher turns to the other
"Hey, we left earlier than we thought we would, there's been no traffic hold ups so at this rate were going to be back at the school before the kids' parents even arrive to collect them. There's a good pub I know coming up soon, how about we stop for a couple of pints?"
His colleague replies "It would be great, but what about the kids, they wouldn't know the layout and most pubs wouldn't let 20 kids in the bar anyway."
"No, It'll be fine there's a big fenced lawn area outside, we can set them up in there with their football with the bell inside, and some cans of coke and crisps, they'll have great fun kicking the ball about."
So they stop at the pub, set the kids up in the fenced area with their ball and snacks and head inside with the coach driver.
They're halfway through their pints when the landlord comes in from collecting glasses outside and approaches the table
"Here, are you in charge of those blind kids outside?" he asks. They confirm they are.
"Well" says the landlord "you'd better go and sort them out, they're kicking the f*ck out of the Morris Dancers!"
"Hey, we left earlier than we thought we would, there's been no traffic hold ups so at this rate were going to be back at the school before the kids' parents even arrive to collect them. There's a good pub I know coming up soon, how about we stop for a couple of pints?"
His colleague replies "It would be great, but what about the kids, they wouldn't know the layout and most pubs wouldn't let 20 kids in the bar anyway."
"No, It'll be fine there's a big fenced lawn area outside, we can set them up in there with their football with the bell inside, and some cans of coke and crisps, they'll have great fun kicking the ball about."
So they stop at the pub, set the kids up in the fenced area with their ball and snacks and head inside with the coach driver.
They're halfway through their pints when the landlord comes in from collecting glasses outside and approaches the table
"Here, are you in charge of those blind kids outside?" he asks. They confirm they are.
"Well" says the landlord "you'd better go and sort them out, they're kicking the f*ck out of the Morris Dancers!"
For those who may have forgotten the "true" origin of Daylight Savings Time
It was a post-World War Two "plot" between the Prime Ministers of France and Germany
who, together, had De Gaulle to Adenauer.....
It was a post-World War Two "plot" between the Prime Ministers of France and Germany
who, together, had De Gaulle to Adenauer.....
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