stuart little
Established Member
Uuh where did the 'joke thread' go?
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Joke thread
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I think I found it.
To those who were affected by the cleanup, please use the Off-Topic II forum for environmental discussions.
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
I agree, thanks. You missed a couple, though. The Greta and Arnie post, and the "Cut down all the trees" post.
AES
Established Member
Well, FWIW, I too believe that this "joke thread" has become "not a joke"!! So in an attempt to significantly lower the whole tone here, I hereby offer this "shaggy dogger":
A handsome - and about to become - extremely wealthy young man (when his dowager Duchess granny finally kicks the bucket) was, yet again ushered "into the presence" to be told - not for the first time by any means - that his feckless ways were definitely NOT appreciated:
"I haven't got too long before I shuffle off this mortal coil, and you're my only living relative. You know I've left everything to you in my Will, but I'm thoroughly fed up with your turning up to all my Society balls with a different girl on your arm each time. You're nearly 40 now and if you haven't presented me with at least one grandchild from a legal marital union pretty soon then I'll be forced to disinherit you":
Realising his pleasurable time was now well and truly up, he proceeded to check his little black book to select the 3 most likely candidates for marriage, calling each one to him for a briefing:
"Look darling, grandmama has made it clear that I have to marry and produce an heir pretty soon. I think you may be THE one. So just as a final check on your suitability, here's 5,000 bucks to spend just as you like. Come back and see me when you've spent it all".
Girl No. 1 came back the next day, having had a full massage, a facial, all her nails done, a completely new hairdo, a ravishing newly-released perfume, and a wonderful off the shoulder backless ball gown.
"Look what I've done to myself darling", she said, "Just to show you how much I love you. Choose me please".
Girl No 2 came back after a month, together with a driver and a delivery man. "Look darling", she said, here's a beautiful vintage Rolls-Royce, AND a fantastic new all-singing, all-dancing 3D virtual reality Netflix viewer, and a life-time membership of THE most exclusive country club. All for you, and just to show me how much I love you. Choose me".
Girl No. 3 was silent for nearly 3 months, and our hero had almost given up on her when she re-appeared. "Dearest", she said "I took your money, found the most fabulously clever investment advisor. Following his advice I invested all your money and a month later it had doubled. Further following his advice, I re-invested the new sum and now, only 3 months later, it's worth ten times the original! All to show you how much I love you dearest. Choose me".
So which one did he choose?
XX the answer is really obvious:
XXX the one with the ******** of course !
A handsome - and about to become - extremely wealthy young man (when his dowager Duchess granny finally kicks the bucket) was, yet again ushered "into the presence" to be told - not for the first time by any means - that his feckless ways were definitely NOT appreciated:
"I haven't got too long before I shuffle off this mortal coil, and you're my only living relative. You know I've left everything to you in my Will, but I'm thoroughly fed up with your turning up to all my Society balls with a different girl on your arm each time. You're nearly 40 now and if you haven't presented me with at least one grandchild from a legal marital union pretty soon then I'll be forced to disinherit you":
Realising his pleasurable time was now well and truly up, he proceeded to check his little black book to select the 3 most likely candidates for marriage, calling each one to him for a briefing:
"Look darling, grandmama has made it clear that I have to marry and produce an heir pretty soon. I think you may be THE one. So just as a final check on your suitability, here's 5,000 bucks to spend just as you like. Come back and see me when you've spent it all".
Girl No. 1 came back the next day, having had a full massage, a facial, all her nails done, a completely new hairdo, a ravishing newly-released perfume, and a wonderful off the shoulder backless ball gown.
"Look what I've done to myself darling", she said, "Just to show you how much I love you. Choose me please".
Girl No 2 came back after a month, together with a driver and a delivery man. "Look darling", she said, here's a beautiful vintage Rolls-Royce, AND a fantastic new all-singing, all-dancing 3D virtual reality Netflix viewer, and a life-time membership of THE most exclusive country club. All for you, and just to show me how much I love you. Choose me".
Girl No. 3 was silent for nearly 3 months, and our hero had almost given up on her when she re-appeared. "Dearest", she said "I took your money, found the most fabulously clever investment advisor. Following his advice I invested all your money and a month later it had doubled. Further following his advice, I re-invested the new sum and now, only 3 months later, it's worth ten times the original! All to show you how much I love you dearest. Choose me".
So which one did he choose?
XX the answer is really obvious:
XXX the one with the ******** of course !
AES
Established Member
Oh, re my "funny" post above, it seems that the commonly-used word for mammerys has been been "XXXX'D". Pity.
One day in kindergarten a teacher said to the class of 5-year-olds, “I’ll give £2 to the child who can tell me who was the most famous man who ever lived.”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Harry, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the £2.”
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said, Jesus Christ.”
Marvin replied: “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”
An Irish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Patrick.”
The Teacher said, “Sorry Sean, that’s not correct.”
Then a Scottish boy put his hand up and said, “It was St. Andrew.”
The teacher replied, “I’m sorry, Harry, that’s not right either.”
Finally, a Jewish boy raised his hand and said, “It was Jesus Christ.”
The teacher said, “That’s absolutely right, Marvin, come up here and I’ll give you the £2.”
As the teacher was giving Marvin his money, she said, “You know Marvin, since you’re Jewish, I was very surprised you said, Jesus Christ.”
Marvin replied: “Yeah. In my heart, I knew it was Moses, but business is business!”
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I wasn't aware that one was a joke.
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
Me neither. That's why I thought it should be removed.
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
I suspect our reasons were polar opposites.
It was meant to be a joke of sorts along the environmental theme. I always find jokes much better when you have to explain them
John Brown
Freeloading Social media influenza
Yeah but... Banknotes are plastic these days...It was meant to be a joke of sorts along the environmental theme. I always find jokes much better when you have to explain them
Doug B
Shy Tot
Inspector
Nyuck, Nyuck, Nyuck!
Does the wrench have temperature compensating jaws? If not it's of no use to me.
Pete
Pete
Cozzer
Established Member
Pal of mine called round the other day...."Fancy a ride on my new Kawasaki?"
"Where we going?"
"Where the wind takes us!"
Turned out that we headed for the Welsh border, and then we had an idea...
"Let's go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!"
"Brilliant idea! Let's go!"
We'd been on the road for a good couple of hours, were a bit peckish, so we stopped off for a spot of lunch.
"Can you pronounce it?", asked my pal.
"Nope", I replied. "It's a right tongue-twister! I know - I'll ask the waitress....."
"Can you tell us - slowly, please! - exactly where we are?"
"Sure", she replied,
"Burrrrrrrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrrrrrrr - king"
"Where we going?"
"Where the wind takes us!"
Turned out that we headed for the Welsh border, and then we had an idea...
"Let's go to Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!"
"Brilliant idea! Let's go!"
We'd been on the road for a good couple of hours, were a bit peckish, so we stopped off for a spot of lunch.
"Can you pronounce it?", asked my pal.
"Nope", I replied. "It's a right tongue-twister! I know - I'll ask the waitress....."
"Can you tell us - slowly, please! - exactly where we are?"
"Sure", she replied,
"Burrrrrrrrrrrrr - gerrrrrrrrrrrr - king"
flying haggis
Established Member
Phil Pascoe
Established Member
Surely you're not admitting to reading The Telegraph, are you?
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